07 March 2010

I sure as fuck hope you've been celebrating!

US Gov't-sanctioned NEW HOLIDAYS.

1 - Carve your initials into an old woman day

2 - Call someone a muggle and if they don't get it kick them in the kneecap and if they get it headbutt their nose day

3 - Decide not to be a creepy fuck and contact that sweet ex from a decade ago but then think, hey, they might have been waiting to hear from me and probably aren't married with children, so stalk them on the internet because, hey, they liked you then so why wouldn't they like you now day

4 - Schroedinger's Cat in the Hat day

5 - Bum a smoke, take it, drop it, stomp it, because smoking is bad day

6 - Eat Honey Nut Cheerios from the skull of a vanquished foe day

7 - Don't try anything new day

8 - One quarter year anniversary of December 8 day (aka: beautiful woman day)

9 - Dip the dangle down! day (brand new slang for sex)

10 - When a hobo asks for money pull out a dollar bill and give them half day

11 - Borrow something from your room-mate and when you break it, beat yourself up real good and tell them a story of being robbed and how you won but their thing got busted in the fisticuffs day

12 - Believe something impossible before lunch and after lunch debunk it and pity the poor, stupid fuck-knobs who believe such claptrap day

13 - C.H.U.D.U.D. (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller Uprising Day)

14 - Wonder what Tom, Crow and Gypsy are up to these days day (just assume cambot is working for FOX NEWS)

15 - One breast is a tiny bit larger than the other and ain't nothing wrong with that day

16 - Convert a .gif into a .jpeg just because we're living in the fucking future and you can day

17 - Senior Skip Day (all old people have to skip to wherever they're going)

18 - Look sullen and quote The Cure and The Smiths all day today day

19 - Let an alien ram its ovipositer down your throat to lay its eggs in your belly only to have some little alien bastard burst out of your chest moments after your love turns down your marriage proposal day (won't they feel bad?)

20 - New Mexican Japanese New Year's day (orthodox)

21 - Dumpster diving day

22 - Play your 45's backwards to find the satanic messages day

23 - Second virginity day!

24 - It's a dilly of a pickle day

25 - Blow sunshine up someone's ass before pulling the rug out from under them day (aka: piss-poor metaphor day)

26 - Spooky Death Monkey vs. Allah cage match day

27 - Work on that palm-hair day

28 - Get drunker than Luke Skywalker on Father's Day day

29 - Happy fun stigmata finger-painting day

30 - Sell your pawn shop to a different pawn shop day

31 - Buy a sword and start a black metal band

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