30 March 2010

Shitty Joke Dump 51

ZILF

Shitty Joke Dump 50

(live feed in progress)

a- -ime Directive!

(laughter)

a- Stupid girl didn't even speak Klingon.

b- Awesome!

a- You should have been there, man. The crazy things I said in Klingon!

c- Hey, Byron, you want another wine cooler?

a- Do Tribbles replicate? Heck yeah I want another wi-

(feed shut down due to toxic levels of geekery)

Shitty Joke Dump 49

HOW MANY ZOMBIES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?








BRAINS!

Shitty Joke Dump 48

Did Michael Jackson REALLY die from drugs?

MY THEORY:

Blanket learned the game Got Your Nose from someone and tried the joke on "daddy" and his "father"'s nose came off in Blankie's little hand along with sinew and shit. And Blanket's dad sprayed snot-blood all over and died from shock and bloodloss.


Just a theory.

Shitty Joke Dump 47


THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Shitty Joke Dump 46



death

to

the

stick

figures!

BREAKING NEWS!

IT DID NOT TASTE LIKE CHICKEN! I'm a go- BLUGGHHHHHHHERRGGH!

ewww

Shitty Joke Dump 45

I wish the lighbulbs would JUST. STOP. BURNING. OUT.

I'm running out of jokes.



How many jokes about lightbulbs does it take to change my mind?

cunt

Shitty Joke Dump 44

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a Pollack?

Fuck. I totally fucked that up.

29 March 2010

Shitty Joke Dump 43

Something you never hear:

"Oh. THAT Hitler."

Shitty Joke Dump 42

q- What do you get if you cross a nazi and a KKKlansman?


a- Killed.

Shitty Joke Dump 41

How many meat™s does it take to change a lightbulb?

A mere lightbulb? I plan to change the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD!

BREAKING NEWS!

There seems to be some "health care" murmurs on the street. According to a field reporter in Alabama, it seems to have something to do with "that darkie what we gots now" but this could not be confirmed before I press the "PUBLISH POST" button because I'm lazy. Still. Something is happening. I kinda want to know, but also don't want to have to read too much. Seriously, my dick ain't gonna jerk itself off, you know?

Additional reporting by "Uh, Clem" in Alabama and some chick that made my horny.

Shitty Joke Dump 40

Q: How many goddamn fucking pieces of shit nazi fuckchimp assteeth cum-lipstick anus-blood-guzzling douche-drinking muppets does it take to change a lightbulb?


A: 2.

Shitting blood

My pillow cries, missing your hair's caress,
I miss your gaze like morning dew
You're gone, my heart lays 'er broken
I guess I'll love enough for two...


THIS IS WHY I FUCKING HATE POETRY.

26 March 2010

BREAKING NEWS!

The US Census 2010 reveals Canada a "country" separate from US control. Details still not complete. If true, this would reduce the number of "official" US states to 57.

In other news, Bobcat Goldthwait wrote and directed another movie. "Pretty good," claims local man, adding, "If you like that kinda thing."

(AP)

25 March 2010

Shitty Joke Dump 39

Everyone fucking hates Hitler, but his paintings weren't THAT bad! Great? Not by a stretch. But jeez, you'd think he was Mark fucking Rothko or something. Stop with the paintah-hating, people!

24 March 2010

7

□ + ∆

Temporary Demonic Possession

T D P

The Shocking Truth!

There are over 22 known cases of TDP, Temporary Demonic Possession, from the last fifty years alone. That means you may know someone who knows someone that has had TDP in their family, or in the family of someone they knew. TDP hits “too close to home” to be comfortable, yet there is no known cause or prevention of what is assumed by the Medical Community™ to be a virus. Anything, including the Proverbial “toilet seat” may pass the [unknown terminology] on to any unsuspecting innocent person.

Symptoms / Effects

◆ Speaking in tongues

◆ Idiosyncratic Vomiting (ie: puking up blood, mucous, coins, completely undigested food intact, living matter [frogs, scorpions, cockroaches, rats], skeleton keys, etc)

◆ “Fugue” states of psychotic and sometimes fatal behavior

◆ Lost time (sometimes also associated with alien abduction)

◆ Dissociatory Dementia

◆ Subtle perversions of the finger and toe prints, and of the iris

◆ Drastic and sudden dietary changes

◆ Psychosomatic Diarrhea

◆ Burning reactions to religious paraphernalia

◆ Substantial loss of shadow


Remain Vigilant

TDP may strike at any time, at any location. It has been clinically proven to be 100% unpredictable in all situations, other than the precious few Known Symptoms / Effects catalogued herein. There is no “diaper” or “tampon” or other such safeguard against TDP. And remember, as TDP is not a residential possession, an exorcism will only work temporarily as TDP involves all of daemonkind, and most of the other aether-regions.

Due to these unpleasant facts, some areas are best avoided altogether:

Churches

Airplanes (see also next)

Public Transportation (bus, train, etc)

Elevators (or any enclosed public spaces)

Schools

Government buildings

Fan Conventions of any sort


Where to Seek Help

If you have, or suspect that you may have Temporary Demonic Possession, seek help immediately. Several free and cheap facilities exist that are capable of treating and/or diagnosing TDP and its ancillary maladies such as The Cassandra Complex, Tourettes Syndrome and The Belligerence.

Center for Disease Control
1305 F Avenue
Morrison, VA 86597
1-800-621-1333

BPRD
10956 SE Main St
Milwaukie, OR 97222
1-888-225-7984

The Mayo Clinic
100 State Place
Minneapolis, MN 40439
1-800-562-4152

The American Medical Association
c/o JAMA, The Journal of,
Im Stoeckmaedle 18, 76307
Karlsbad, Germany
fax : ++49 724 891 1888

The Vatican
Vatican City, Rome
1-310-244-207723

(Transcribed verbatim from the original flier circa 1979)

Shitty Joke Dump 38

One thing I've learned in my life: Kids love the Fibonacci sequence! They just go bonkers for it. It's like crack to those munchkins. I'll start counting "1, 1, 2, 3, 4," And they all laugh and yell "No! No 4!" And I'll continue, "5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144, 233, 377, 610, 987, 1597..." The kids just love it. We have a great time.
One more thing I know: Kids go apeshit for The Monroe Doctrine! Hell, pretty much ANYTHING from 1823 is fried gold to these kids today. Sure, around 4th grade they're more into The New Deal, but damn, before that it's Monroe Doctrine fever!

22 March 2010

BREAKING NEWS!

An anonymous phone tip led us, here at the SWI network, to a startling discovery. If our facts are correct, President Obama would appear to be an "African-American." But our sources reveal a DEEPER truth. He's just "black." He was NOT born in Africa. He never moved across the sea seeking freedom, he was born, "colored," here in the U. S. of A. So where the fiddlesticks does Africa fit in to this? Your guess is as good as ours. Why the deceit? Why the nomenclature? More on this shocking and disturbing story as it breaks.

(Additional reporting by Carl Hungus, Tim Cobsa and Blackie Lawless)

Shitty Joke Dump 37

boy: Is mommy in Heaven?

dad: No, son. We just buried her, remember? She's being eaten by bugs 'n shit and rotting into slime.

boy: No, I mean is her spirit in Heaven?

dad: Oh. I see. No. She's just dead. There is no God.

boy: Really? Are you sure?

dad: Yes. I'm real fucking sure, son.

boy: But how do you know? How can you be so sure?

dad: If there was a God things like The Shitty Joke Dump and Barbra Streisand wouldn't exist.

boy: Yeah. That makes sense. You're right.

dad: Well, your mom's clothes 'n shit ain't gonna burn themselves. Let's go play with fire!

boy: Yayyy!

20 March 2010

Shitty Joke Dump 36

KNOCK! KNOCK!

Who's there?

(no answer)

(opens door and looks outside, sees nobody)

You damn kids! Enough with the Ding-Dong-Dash you rapscallions!

Shitty Joke Dump 35

I don't remember the question to the joke, but the answer was:

"No man, I pulled out. What, you think I'd cum inside a puppy? That's just gross."

BREAKING NEWS!

(St. Louis, MO) Area man still feeling guilty for certain actions taken in high school. "I'm sorry," claims man. According to neighbor, Carly Simon, he "makes all kinds of weird noises (in his apartment) at night." When asked for a formal statement, the man only said, "Time travel seems like it should be possible. So much regret. Can't get hands clean." Tom Petty had no comment.

(AP)

Shitty Joke Dump 34

(Police responding to a domestic disturbance call, already in progress.)


The Cop: And what about the black-eye, ma'am?

Ma'am: Um, I was... I, uh, opened the cabinet door too hard and it punched me in the face and called me a stupid cunt.

The Cop: All right. Everything seems to check out. Sorry to disturb you fine folks.

Shitty Joke Dump 33

I bet that if there's ever a movie based on Mal and Jayne slashfic, the chorus to the theme will be "You can't take this guy from me."

19 March 2010

Shitty Joke Dump 32

q: How many Pollocks does it take to change a lightbulb?

a: Fish don't change lightbulbs, silly. What are you, Polish or something?

Shitty Joke Dump 31

How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Oops, sorry. Time's up. We'll continue this next week. You can pay Karen at the front desk."

Shitty Joke Dump 30

knock knock

who's there?

fuck

fuck who?

fuck you, dickweed

Just a thought...

I wonder if any recipes were inspired by vomitting. Because I just puked up some orange juice and turkey gravy and it didn't taste too bad. Surely, some chef out there went, "hmmm, that lamb and those after-dinner mints didn't taste too bad coming up together."

(LIGHTBULB ABOVE HEAD)

"HEY! I got an idea..."

18 March 2010

Shitty Joke Dump 29

How many gorram ships with a Capissen 38 engine does it take to fall right out of the sky?

所有

One Last Toss


Shitty Joke Dump 28

Q-
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A-
Nothing. You already told her twice.




(I wish I could take credit for this one, but alas, it's not one of mine.)

17 March 2010

BREAKING NEWS!

According to sources in Iraq, shit "all fucked up" still.

Shitty Joke Dump 27

"I gotta drop a new trannie in my Buick."

"Uh, I don't think sHe's gonna like that."

16 March 2010

BREAKING NEWS!

Molly Ringwald still pretty! Radha Mitchell, also.

Shitty Joke Dump 26

How many lightubs does it dyslexic to change?

15 March 2010

BREAKING NEWS!

Corey Haim really dead. Skin "all greasy and shit" according to grave-robbing sources. "Yeah, it's him and he's totally fucking dead, man." In other news, kittens and yarn still got a good, cute, thing going on.

Corey Haim becoming slime, kittens still cute as hell.

BREAKING NEWS!

THIS JUST IN! JOKES ABOUT CELEBRITY DEATHS OFFENSIVE TO SOME PEOPLE! ALSO, ICE CREAM RATED "GOOD" ACCORDING TO POLL TAKEN AT BASKIN-ROBBINS.

Shitty Joke Dump 25

How many Corey Haims does it take to change a lightbulb?


Just one. But it takes four guys to hold him up and move his hands around and shit to change the lighbulb. I think he might be really dead. Not a cry for help thing. Because, seriously, it's just a fucking lightbulb.

BREAKING NEWS!

Corey Haim rumored to be in New Zealand. Death possibly just publicity stunt. More news AS IT HAPPENS!

Shitty Joke Dump 24

KNOCK KNOCK

Who's there?

THE PLUMBER!

Uh, the plumber who?

REAL FUNNY. THAT'S GONNA COST YOU $20 RIGHT THERE! YOU OPENING THE DOOR OR WHAT?

Damn it all! I thought this was the Shitty Joke Dump and I was gettin' played.

YEP SHITTY JOKE, MA'AM. THAT'LL BE $93.23 WITH TAX AND SHIT. HOPE YOU GET A REAL PLUMBER SOON. THIS IS PRETTY FUCKED UP HERE.

Yeah.
Uh.
Thanks a lot assholes.

Shitty Joke Dump 23.5

"Hey dere young man, you heard uh da Illuminati? Da ones gonna control us and alla dat?"

The dashing young man pulls back his hood to reveal the face of a young George Washington. He smiles and says, "Yes. I have. And I hear tale of a wind of a rumour they are lurking about." Dismounting his horse, he adds, "I also hear they are afoot in these parts."

Then the horse farted and George farted and it was all pleasant conspiracy shit afterwoods.

Everyone laughed at the farts. You had to be there.

Shitty Joke Dump 23

q
HOW MANY OF THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

a
23

(a small sound behind you makes you nervous)

Shitty Joke Dump 22

How many stupid people who can't spell does it take to change a lightbulb?

Won.

BREAKING NEWS!

Just arrived! Breaking news in Dallas today as President Kennedy has been shot! No word yet to his current condition, but he is expected to be pronounced dead sometime in the 1960's. More news as it becomes available.

President Kennedy shot, not expected to survive into the present.

Shitty Joke Dump 21

Q_How many tourette's sufferers does it take to fuck fuck shit fuck?

A_Fuck damn shit.

14 March 2010

BREAKING NEWS!

Breaking news for you! Apparently Corey Haim still dead, not a publicity stunt.

Shitty Joke Dump 20

Chuck: Did you see that thing over there?

(Points)

Jim: Uh, that one by the crane?

Chuck: No, the thing over there above the body floating in the river.

Jim: Yeah, that's crazy. What the fuck IS that?

Chuck: Exactly.

Shitty Joke Dump 19

q HOW MANY JEWS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHBULB?

a UH, BEFORE OR AFTER THE CONCENTRATION CAMPS? BEFORE WOULD BE ONE. AFTER, SHIT, I DON'T KNOW; THOSE FUCKING NAZIS FUCKED 'EM UP REAL GOOD. PROBABLY TWO OR THREE, I'D GUESS.

Shitty Joke Dump 18

KNOCK KNOCK



who's there?



YOUR LAND-LORD!



um. ...fuck

12 March 2010

BREAKING NEWS!

I'm sooo going to sweep next year's MY APARTMENT awards it's crazy! Most Ironic Wearing Of A Hat, Most Toilet Flushes, Best Ironic Scream Of "GET OFF MY LAWN" By An Apartment-Dweller, Best Use Of A Wrongly-Applied Tool (for my valiant effort to free a nail by using a samurai sword to chop away the wall), Best Frown, Worst Use Of A Crucifix and Most Creative Use Of The Word Cunt (which was just now)!

BREAKING NEWS!

I gots a hangover.

11 March 2010

Shitty Joke Dump 17

Q:
How many normal people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:
One.

Shitty Joke Dump 16

Q:
How many control-freaks does it take to change a lightbulb?


A:
Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Shitty Joke Dump 15

q How many holier-than-thou pricks does it take to change a lightbulb?


a Uh, I THINK you mean a low-wattage-consuming mini-fluorescent, yes? Tch.

Shitty Joke Dump 14

q

How many Star Wars nerds does it take to change Greedo shooting first?

fuck

Shitty Joke Dump 13

Q: How many Corey Haims does it-


wait, too soon?

Shitty Joke Dump 12

Q:
How many soul-searching depressed people does it take to change a lightbulb?


A:
It can wait. Just get off my back, I'm trying to work thru some shit here...

Shitty Joke Dump 11

Q -

How many Serial Killers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A -

NONE! They love the dark!

BREAKING NEWS!

This just in! Nathan Martin has swept the 3rd annual MY APARTMENT awards winning statues for Most Grant Morrison Comics Read, Best New Artist, Best Anagram, Most Convincing Fake Urination, Largest Ego and Most Selfless, among countless others. In a statement made via Facebook he said, "Nathan Martin is sick of being refered to as The Black Moses of Soul." Which was further commented on by area man Aaron Baugher and reported to be "Liked" by such notables as Heather Newb ッ. (A.P.)

(Additional reporting by Peter Travers)

10 March 2010

BREAKING NEWS!

This just in! That one douchebag who was friends with that moron who used to dress like that pedophile baby-dangler is dead from overdose. He was 38.

BREAKING NEWS!

This just in. Even though dead, Michael Jackson was still a creepy fucker.

Shitty Joke Dump 10

World War two was started when Archie Bunker was felled by an anarchist's bullet. Edith said, "Ohh, Archieeeee." Then there was war.

The End

History Report by Jimmy Walters, age 7

(I cleaned up the grammar and spelling and took out all the cuss words. -Ed)

BREAKING NEWS!

Lindsay Lohan turns out to be exactly as stupid as we thought.

Shitty Joke Dump 9

The lady says, "would you like to come upstairs with me?"

The guy says, "if only you were a little boy. See, I'm a priest."

They both laugh. Later the priest dies and goes to heaven.

Pissing on, pissed off.

WOW! My Cricket "Broadband" internet is almost as fast as old-school dial-up! You fucking douchenozzles. Fuck you Cricket. You cumguzzling zebrafuckers. I wish you were a person so I could skullfuck you to death. $45 bucks a month for waiting and waiting and having to reconnect because your service drops off in the middle of a download, then have to restart the download a couple more times because you are spectacularly unreliable?! You fucking suck. Streaming video? YouTube? NOT WITH CRICKET!! Plain text only, please! Oops, disconnected again.

(I don't like Cricket.)

08 March 2010

Shitty Joke Dump 8

HER: You fucked my baby!

HIM: No! I didn't!

HER: I SAW YOU!

HIM: I made love with it.

HER: Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, why didn't you just say so?

Shitty Joke Dump 7

You know what I hate most about rascism?

The stupid fucking niggers.



(Did he really just say that?)

Shitty Joke Dump 6

Tim Conway runs into Jack Nicholson on a golf course. Jack looks at him and says, "heyyy, you're the guy who's really short in those videos."

"Yeah," says Tim.

"Do it!" says Jack.

"What?"

"Do that short guy thing."

"Uh, I can't without the, uh, prep work."

"Fuck you, then, ASSCLOWN!" yells Jack. "You fucking turd-hammer douchebox!"

Jack then beats Tim to death with a nine iron.

Shitty Joke Dump 5

I'm all like "YOU WILL READ THE FUCKING ALPHABET!"
She's like, "I already read it. Like a billion times."
I'm like "Parse a verb!"
And she's all like "What? What verb?"
And I'm all "Past participle cunt!"
And she's just going "That doesn't make any sense."...
And now I need another tutor because I always get tutors and crack-whores mixed up.

Shitty Joke Dump 4

What do you get when you cross a donkey with a cat?

A HYBRID!

Shitty Joke Dump 3

Two guys walk into a bar. They were thirsty. And alcoholics!

Shitty Joke Dump 2

Q: What's the difference between a cougar and a bobcat?

A: Their DNA!

Shitty Joke Dump 1

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are on an airplane.

The rabbi asks, "where are you guys going?" The priest and the minister reply, at the same, "to the airport." Then the rabbi says, "me, too!"

Then they went back to minding their own business and reading the SkyMall catalog.

07 March 2010

I sure as fuck hope you've been celebrating!

MARCH
US Gov't-sanctioned NEW HOLIDAYS.


1 - Carve your initials into an old woman day


2 - Call someone a muggle and if they don't get it kick them in the kneecap and if they get it headbutt their nose day


3 - Decide not to be a creepy fuck and contact that sweet ex from a decade ago but then think, hey, they might have been waiting to hear from me and probably aren't married with children, so stalk them on the internet because, hey, they liked you then so why wouldn't they like you now day


4 - Schroedinger's Cat in the Hat day


5 - Bum a smoke, take it, drop it, stomp it, because smoking is bad day


6 - Eat Honey Nut Cheerios from the skull of a vanquished foe day


7 - Don't try anything new day


8 - One quarter year anniversary of December 8 day (aka: beautiful woman day)


9 - Dip the dangle down! day (brand new slang for sex)


10 - When a hobo asks for money pull out a dollar bill and give them half day


11 - Borrow something from your room-mate and when you break it, beat yourself up real good and tell them a story of being robbed and how you won but their thing got busted in the fisticuffs day


12 - Believe something impossible before lunch and after lunch debunk it and pity the poor, stupid fuck-knobs who believe such claptrap day


13 - C.H.U.D.U.D. (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller Uprising Day)


14 - Wonder what Tom, Crow and Gypsy are up to these days day (just assume cambot is working for FOX NEWS)


15 - One breast is a tiny bit larger than the other and ain't nothing wrong with that day


16 - Convert a .gif into a .jpeg just because we're living in the fucking future and you can day


17 - Senior Skip Day (all old people have to skip to wherever they're going)


18 - Look sullen and quote The Cure and The Smiths all day today day


19 - Let an alien ram its ovipositer down your throat to lay its eggs in your belly only to have some little alien bastard burst out of your chest moments after your love turns down your marriage proposal day (won't they feel bad?)


20 - New Mexican Japanese New Year's day (orthodox)


21 - Dumpster diving day


22 - Play your 45's backwards to find the satanic messages day


23 - Second virginity day!


24 - It's a dilly of a pickle day


25 - Blow sunshine up someone's ass before pulling the rug out from under them day (aka: piss-poor metaphor day)


26 - Spooky Death Monkey vs. Allah cage match day


27 - Work on that palm-hair day


28 - Get drunker than Luke Skywalker on Father's Day day


29 - Happy fun stigmata finger-painting day


30 - Sell your pawn shop to a different pawn shop day


31 - Buy a sword and start a black metal band
day

05 March 2010

Today

Today's MSTie-project is The Black Scorpion 0113

Today's movie pick is Begotten

Today's song is Paper Thin Walls by Modest Mouse

Today's new holiday:
Say “I'm a Method Actor and you're in my eyeline” each time you make eye-contact with someone.

Today's birthday zodiac:
Avoid speaking any word that others may perceive as an anagram for another word as ruination lies down that path.

Today's number is 64

Today's book is The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer

Today's word is trout

Today's motto:
That's what she said.

Today's movie quote:
“She saw me rolling a cigarette, thought it was marijuana; thought I was a swinger.”

04 March 2010

rough draft of a play

Festival:
No Experience Necessary


A PLAY IN ONE SCENE (1996)
by Nathan Martin

For Mistress Duffy,
Worth every syllable



The Players:
MARK: A man in his mid thirties, average by most standards. Not exceptionally good looking, not ugly. Not tall, not short. A typical anyone. He smokes cigarettes, drinks heavily. Usually pleasant to be around. His dress is comfortable, yet semi- formal. Nice long sleeve shirt, black slacks. Seems to be simplistic. Married to Joan.

JOAN: A woman also in mid thirties. Comes from rich family, carries herself in a somewhat stuffy old-fashioned way. She feels she is better than others and is quick to judge, never biting her tongue. In spite of that, she is also quick to resignation. Her figure suggests she was quite shapely in her youth, now on the verge of being overweight. She smokes, too, and drinks more than her husband.

SARA: A beautiful woman in her mid or maybe late twenties. Amiable almost to the point of naivety. She does not like to offend, and is often uncomfortable with her surroundings. She is beginning to find her voice and her self. While not too sure of herself, she tries to assert her feelings and intentions in a constructive way. Does not smoke, and normally drinks little. She is Mark’s mistress.

VOICE: Disembodied voice, apparently a ghost.
The Scene: A large apartment, early evening. Stage represents dining room. There is a table with four chairs, center stage. Behind the table is a bureau with a few nick-nacks and a gun resting on it. Also, a few pictures/paintings hang on the walls. All action takes place in dining room, with door to outside on right, door to kitchen on left, doors for bedroom and bathroom facing audience. Ashtray on table.

Stage Directions:
As the curtain rises, MARK is pacing about the room frantically, checking and rechecking everything. He is obviously very nervous. JOAN is finishing and extinguishing a cigarette. Her look suggests annoyance. MARK and JOAN should smoke often throughout play. There will be very few directions as to their smoking habits in script. And they may be ignored if necessary.

CURTAIN

MARK(Gesturing frantically)
Hurry up! Get everything organized. She’ll be here any second.

JOAN
I’m not . . . I don’t think I’m ready for this.
(Noise offstage)

MARK
I think that’s her. Does it look okay in here?
(Looks at Joan)
You’ll like her. She’s great. Everything will be fine.
(Knock on door)
That’s her.
(Mark rushes to door, opens it)
Sara! Come in. You look great.

SARA (Sees Joan)
Oh God, Mark.

MARK
Come in, come in.
(Hurries her in, closes door and locks it. When he locks the door, it should be almost imperceptible, a fluid movement right when door latches shut)
Sara, Joan. Joan, Sara.

JOAN (Acidly)
Hi.

SARA (Put off by Joan’s presence)
Hello. Who are you?

JOAN
Who am I? Who am I?!
(To Mark)
You didn’t even tell her about me?!

MARK
Of course not. She probably wouldn’t have dated me.

SARA
You’re his wife?

JOAN
Not for much longer.
(Again to Mark)
I can’t believe you’d just throw away eight years like that. What the fuck were you thinking?

SARA (Turning for door)
I’m out of here.

JOAN (Mockingly)
Bye, doll. Thanks for stopping by.

MARK (Moves to block doorway)
Don’t leave. I’m sorry. At least stay for dinner, we’ve got enough food to kill a small village.

JOAN (Slightly dazed)
Yeah, hell, you may as well stay now. I mean, the noodles and the damage done.

SARA (To Joan)
I really didn’t know he was married.

JOAN
He won’t be.

MARK
Don’t keep saying that.

JOAN
So how long have you been sleeping with my husband?

SARA
I really didn’t know he-

JOAN
Can it. Just tell me. How long?

SARA
About ... five months. On and off.

JOAN
Do you love him?

SARA
Well. . . I . . .

JOAN (Leaving stage toward bathroom)
I think I’m going to be sick.
(Long pause as Mark and Sara stand there. Sara obviously wants to leave, Mark is just staring at her.)

MARK
You really look great tonight.

SARA
I can’t believe you invited me here like this. You’ve been married eight years?

MARK
Yep. Eight long years.

SARA
Jesus.
(Long pause while she looks around)
Are you insane?

MARK
C’mon. Can’t you give me a little more credit than that? Have I ever seemed crazy to you before?

SARA
Have you ever seemed married?

MARK
Touché. (Beat) Do you like carrots?

SARA (almost laughing in shock to such absurdity)
What?!

MARK
Cooked carrots. Joan has this great recipe.

SARA
You expect me to eat right now? I feel like screaming.

MARK
So scream.
(Short pause, then Sara screams “WHAT!”)

JOAN (Rushing in to Sara)
What happened?

MARK
Nothing.

SARA
I really feel uncomfortable here. I should leave.

JOAN (More at ease)
I think we’re all going to feel uncomfortable wherever we’re at right now, yes? So you may as well stay and help eat all this food.

MARK
Yeah! Let’s eat. Everything’s ready.

SARA
When did he tell you about me?

JOAN
About a five minutes before you got here. While I was making dinner. Yesterday he told me an old high school buddy was coming by. Football team buddy or some such bullshit. (Pause) Explains all those late nights at work.

MARK (To Joan)
Did you take those pills?

JOAN
Yes. I even chewed them up for quicker release.

MARK
How many?

JOAN
About four.

SARA
I’m sorry.

JOAN
Me too.

MARK
And I’m hungry. Come on.
(Walks to table, they slowly join him)

JOAN (To Sara as they sit)
What did he tell you was happening tonight?

SARA
Not much. He just asked me to dinner and said he wanted to show me something. I didn’t realize it was you. I figured it was something more innocuous than that.
(Long pause as they exchange glances and fill their plates up with pasta, sauce, and carrots)

MARK (Standing and exiting)
I forgot the wine.

JOAN
There’s an idea! First good idea you’ve had tonight. Grab a few bottles, will ya ‘honey’?
(Honey is pronounced as a weapon)
Let’s not be stingy with the booze tonight.
(Mark, offstage, and Joan both laugh at her comment, inside joke)
Bring some aspirin, too.

MARK (Offstage)
You don’t need aspirin, you already took something.

JOAN (Sotto)
Oh yeah.

SARA
What did you take?

JOAN
Does it matter? Who the hell do you think you are? Coming into my home like this?

SARA
I’m sorry.
(Starting to stand)
I’ll leave.

JOAN
No! I mean, no. Forgive me. You understand. Stress. Un.comfort.ability. Drugs.

SARA (Defensive)
I really don’t know why he invited me.
(Pause)
I’m not a home-wrecker.

JOAN
No, not at all. What do you call it?

SARA
You could show a little decency, you know. I had no idea he was married. I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

JOAN
Just because you didn’t know it was wrong doesn’t mean it wasn’t! He’s my husband!

SARA
I love him, too.

JOAN
How dare you.

SARA
And if you were a better wife he probably wouldn’t seek out a mistress, would he?
(Mark enters mid-sentence with two bottles of wine and three glasses, sits)

MARK
Ladies! Ladies! Calm yourselves.
(Throughout conversation, they pick at their food)

JOAN
She started it.

SARA
Oh brother.

MARK
Eat, drink, and be merry.
(Pours his glass of wine, passes bottle to Joan)

JOAN
Who’s Mary? One of your other mistresses?

MARK
Give me a break. Calm down, okay?

JOAN (Sarcastic)
Gee. I have no idea why I’m not already calm.
(Pours and gulps down her wine)
What could it be? Too much caffeine? Hmm, I wonder.

SARA
We’re all here, so we might as well act rational.

JOAN (Clenched teeth)
I’m trying. I assure you, I’m trying.
(As she refills her glass)
It’s not everyday you find out your husband has a mistress and invited her to dinner. If I’m edgy you’ll just both have to find it in your betraying hearts to forgive me.
(Puts bottle on table in front of her)

SARA
‘Betraying hearts’ my ass.

MARK
Hey, we’re adults, right?

JOAN
Barely.

SARA
Would you pass the wine swee- Mark?

JOAN
What the hell was that? Were you about to call him sweetie or sweetheart or something?
(To Mark)
You let her call you sweetie?
(To Sara)
Don’t call him that. Ever.

SARA
Force of habit, sorry.

JOAN
What? It’s okay for you to call my husband ‘sweetie’ because you’re used to it? Is that what you’re saying?

MARK (Passing wine to Sara)
Here you go, Sara.
(‘Sara’ is over-emphasized)

SARA
I didn’t mean to. Especially now.
(She fills her glass)

MARK (To Joan)
Just let it go, please?

JOAN
Yes, sweetie.
(Mark downs his wine and refills, downs that one and refills again)

JOAN (To Sara)
You haven’t commented on the food. Is it to your liking?

SARA
Yes. It’s delicious. I was afraid to say something, but yes, this is the best meal I’ve had in months. I don’t normally like cooked carrots, either. I just wish I had more of an appetite right now.

JOAN
I’m glad you like it.

SARA
Really? I thought you hated me.

JOAN
Of course I hate you. You fucked my husband. I’m still glad you like my food, though. I want people to like my cooking. I’m not inhuman.
(Looks directly at Sara)

SARA
I’m as much of a pawn in this as you.

JOAN
No, not quite, queenie. I’ve had my heart ripped out tonight and all you’ve had is the revelation that your stud is hitched. I imagine you’ll get over it. I’ve lost eight years; you lost a few months. You’re a bit better off than I am.

SARA
I just meant-

JOAN
Spare me. I know what you meant, queenie.

SARA
Stop calling me that!

MARK
Honey.
(Both women look at him, expectantly)
Joan. This isn’t necessary.

JOAN
Well, what the hell did you expect to happen when you invited her over? That we’d become best friends? Maybe you expected a threesome later tonight?

MARK
You’re out of line.

JOAN
No, you’re out of line!
(She starts crying)
Why did you bring this woman into our home? What did you expect to accomplish? Did you really think I wouldn’t be hurt and offended? Didn’t you think about it for at least a fucking second?!

MARK (To Sara)
I’m sorry about all this, really.

SARA
No, I’m sorry.

MARK
What do you mean? It’s my fault that you-

SARA (Sotto)
I’m pregnant.
(Boom. Silent beat.)

JOAN (Sotto)
What did she just say?

SARA
I’m pregnant. I found out this morning. I didn’t know if I should say anything, but . . .
(Everyone refills their glasses, drinks, a long awkward pause follows)

MARK
Are you sure?

SARA (Upset)
No, I’m just trying to keep the conversation lively. Of course I’m sure!
(Long pause)

JOAN (Crying blends into hysterical laughter)
Oh, Mark. You sure know how to show a girl a good time.
(Stands abruptly knocking her chair over, raises glass)
A toast. To integrity and no secrets.
(She splashes the remainder of her glass in Mark’s face, then takes a few wobbly steps back)
I think I’m gonna go get the whiskey. It’s about time. Try not to fuck each other while I’m gone, okay? It’ll just be a minute.
(Exits to kitchen)

MARK (Wiping face with shirt)
Lighten up, Joan.

SARA
Whiskey sounds good. I think I could use a stiff drink.

JOAN (O-S)
It’s not for you.

MARK
I think there’s plenty for everyone.

SARA
I’ll pass if it’ll help smooth things over.

JOAN (Offstage)
Don’t trouble yourself, queenie. I share everything. Far be it for me to interfere with-
(Voice fades into angry mumbling during last sentence)

MARK
I think she’s upset.

SARA
Of course she’s upset. I’m upset, too. What the Hell’s going on inside your head? You put both of us into a very awkward situation. Do you really expect everything to turn out okay?

MARK
Of course.

SARA
You’re insane. You shouldn’t have invited me here.

MARK (Standing)
Eat up, drink up. It’s festival tonight.

SARA
I think I’m going to go home.

MARK
Not yet, you’re not. The entertainment has barely begun.

SARA (Eying Mark closely)
Why are you doing this? Do you even understand what’s happening here?

MARK (Pacing)
I think so. I put this plan in motion, after all.

SARA
What plan? Do you expect us to fight for you or something? Is that your goal?

MARK
No. Nothing as simple as that. If it wasn’t for this particular situation, you two would probably be great friends.

SARA
You’re giving me the creeps.

MARK
Don’t worry. I’m quite aware of what’s happening.

SARA (Standing)
Are you on drugs? Is that it?

MARK
Oh, Sara. I’m disappointed in you. I thought for sure you’d ask more probing questions than these. You’re taking the easy way out, asking all this stupid shit.
(Sits back down and calls offstage)
I thought you were grabbing the whiskey! Don’t go to Ireland, just grab some from the damn cabinet!
(Grabs Sara’s hand, she pulls it away)
No, I’m not on drugs. That’s Joan’s trip, not mine. Come sit back down.

SARA
No thanks. It’s been great, but I really have to . . .
(Runs to door, trying to leave. Hits locked door with her fist, then turns to face Mark, who is holding up the key)

MARK
Looking for this?

SARA
Unlock this door!

MARK (Imitating child’s voice)
But I don’t wanna.
(Door opens unexpectedly and Sara jumps back away from it)

SARA
Did you do that?

MARK
No.
(Stands up and beckons Sara to get behind him as a strange noise [maybe the sound a chains rattling slowed down and amplified] fills the stage)

SARA
Maybe I’ll stay little while longer.

MARK
Maybe it was . . . the wind?
(Takes a few steps towards the door)
It’s nothing.

VOICE (Almost indiscernible)
Death. Greed. Desire.

SARA
Did you hear that?

MARK
I think so.

SARA
That was not the wind.
(Door slams loud and Joan runs into the room. When Sara turns to look at Joan, Mark inserts the key into lock and leaves it there, backing away. Sara does not see him do this)

JOAN
What was that? It sounded like something fell.

SARA
It was -

MARK (Cutting her off)
It was nothing. Just the wind. Where’s the hooch?

SARA (Blurting out quickly, very frightened)
There was a voice. And the door opened and shut by itself.

JOAN (Thoughtful)
Oh, that.

SARA
What do you mean, ‘Oh, that?’ The door just opened and shut all by itself. The door was locked and it opened. By itself.
(She wraps her arms around herself, as if suddenly very cold)

JOAN
That happens all the time. Usually not when anyone else is around, though. We call it the wind. Don’t worry about it.

MARK
Again. Where’s the whiskey? Jesus! Can’t you even single-task? You distinctly stated your purpose for leaving this room. It was to bring whiskey into this room.

JOAN (Exiting)
I forgot it. I’ll go get it.

MARK
You forgot?! There was only one thing to remember. It’s not like a damn telephone number or something. Whiskey. Just whiskey. Or scotch.
(He looks over to Sara as if he thinks she’ll ‘back him up’ on this.
She does not. Pause. He looks back to kitchen area offstage.
Sara looks at chair, then at the door, then at chair again. She
reluctantly walks back to table and sits as Joan reenters with two full bottles. Mark and Joan sit down, also. Joan sets one bottle on the table and opens the other. She immediately downs half of the bottle, then passes it to Mark, who finishes bottle. He throws the bottle carelessly over his shoulder at the big rock, shattering it.)

MARK (To Joan as he opens second bottle)
You’re going to have sweep up in here later.

JOAN (Sing-song voice)
Yes, dear.

MARK (Taking another drink off bottle and catching himself)
Where are my manners? Here. Have some whiskey. It’ll help calm your nerves.

SARA
Do you always drink this much?

JOAN
No. We’ve cut down a lot. It’s an expensive habit. After all, we only buy the best. We can afford it, my parents are quite rich, and all that. It just looks so bad when we have forty or fifty bottles piling up every week. (Beat) What happened to my chair? Did the wind do that, too?

MARK (As Joan rights chair and sits)
No. You did that when you stood up. Gracefully, I might add. Charming. Brilliant.

SARA (Taking a drink from bottle)
Ooh, that’s harsh. How can you drink that much straight?
(She puts the bottle on the table and as an afterthought pushes it away from her)

MARK
It’s an acquired binge.

SARA
That really happens all the time?

JOAN
We usually go through about four bottles a day.

SARA
I meant about the door. (Beat) You drink four bottles of whiskey a day?

MARK
After the wine, yes.

JOAN
And yes to your other question. It happens quite often.

SARA
Doesn’t it scare you?

JOAN
Not anymore. I guess it’s like living next to a train or something. You just get used to it. It doesn’t even wake us up anymore. That was the most annoying part.

MARK
Oh God, it used to wake us up every night.

JOAN
Remember when we found that blood-stain?

MARK (Laughing)
Oh yeah, that was a weird night. (He shudders) Or when all those cats showed up in our bedroom . . .
(Joan and Mark laugh together, sharing memory. They laugh to the verge of tears, now starting to seem more comfortable)

JOAN (Recovering)
You’ll have to forgive us, queenie.
(At the word ‘queenie,’ she slips back into laughter)

SARA
I really wish you wouldn’t call me that.

JOAN
Chill out, queenie. Like he said, it’s festival tonight. And it’s only . . .
(She checks her wrist, no watch. Looks around, no clock)
It’s early.
(Stops laughing and assumes a grave tone of voice)
And we’ve got all the time in the world.

MARK
Yeah. There’s plenty of time. Drink up.

SARA
I don’t normally drink this much. Aren’t you supposed to mix it with something? Just drinking straight whiskey is-
(Mark cuts her off by pushing the bottle back in front of her)
Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have one more drink.
(Takes a mouthful, swallows, and almost vomits. She puts the bottle down, smiles, and starts to say something, but Joan interrupts)

JOAN (Spiteful)
Remember, you’re drinking for two. Better double up.

SARA (taken aback)
You bitch!

JOAN
Yes! A point for me. I wondered what it took to get a real rise out of you. Doesn’t it bore you playing the calm and collected role? Don’t you have any passion in your soul?

SARA
Ask your husband.

JOAN
Touché. I’m impressed. A point for you.

SARA (Voice quivering)
Why are you doing this to me?

JOAN (To Mark)
This is pretty cruel, isn’t it?

MARK
I don’t know. How much money do you have?

JOAN (Squarely facing Sara, pauses)
So, how long have you been a slut?

SARA
What?!

JOAN
How many divorces have you caused, not counting this one?

MARK
Hey!

JOAN
Well, you don’t expect me to forget this . . . transgression, do you?

MARK
You could try being-

SARA (With conviction)
I am not a slut!

JOAN
Oh, that’s right. You prefer ‘Home-Wrecker.’

SARA
And you prefer divorcee.

JOAN
Divorcee is better than dupe.

MARK
Have another drink, Joan.

JOAN
If you insist.

SARA
Like you weren’t going to otherwise.

JOAN (Grabs bottle and takes drink)
Isn’t this fun?

SARA
Fun?

JOAN
Well, it’s certainly not boring me.

SARA
A bottle is all it takes to entertain a lush like you.

JOAN
Oh, classic. Lush. I’ll give you a point just because I haven’t heard that word in years.

SARA
What’s all this ‘points’ bullshit? Is this just a game to you?

JOAN
Of sorts.

SARA (Taking a drink from her glass of wine)
Are you two always like this? If so, no wonder you drink so much.

JOAN
Would like some more wine?
(She grabs the wine glasses off the table and throws them toward the broken whiskey bottle, making a larger mess, without giving Sara a chance to answer.)
Too bad. It’s whiskey time. By the way, you’ll have to sweep up in here later, Mark.

MARK (Sing-song voice)
Yes, dear.

SARA
So are you two alcoholic because you’re so crazy, or is the craziness a byproduct of the consumption?

MARK
If it were only as simple as that . . .

JOAN (Gesturing to Mark)
Nothing’s simple with this one. If you knew the half of it, you’d-

MARK (Angry)
Joan! (Pause) Dear. Don’t you think you’re acting inappropriately?

JOAN
I’m just trying to entertain the company, dear.

SARA (Grabbing bottle)
I think I’ll have another drink.

JOAN
Are you going to try to keep up with us?

SARA (Taking small drink)
No way. (Coughs) Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t.
(Takes another drink and coughs as if on the verge of puking)
I need some water. I can’t drink this straight. (Coughs again)

JOAN
You get used to it.

MARK (Standing and exiting)
I’ll get some water.

SARA
Thanks.

JOAN (To herself, quietly)
Alone with the enemy.

SARA
I didn’t step out on you, he did. If anyone’s the enemy, it’s him.

JOAN
But you’re the fabled ‘other woman,’ I have to hate you.

SARA
Oh yeah, you’re open-minded, I forgot. If you haven’t noticed, I’m being used, too.

JOAN
You’ve only lost-

SARA (Interrupting)
Spare me. I don’t give a shit about your stupid time references. This is the only boyfriend I’ve had in three years. A big night for me is having a glass of wine with a good book or a good movie. But you wouldn’t understand anything about loneliness, coming from a rich family. You’re probably used to being waited on, hand to foot. Well, I live hand to mouth, so I don’t want to hear any more shit about how sad this is for you.

JOAN
You have no idea.

SARA
Sure I do. Look at this place. Do you have any idea how well off you are? You live in a palace compared to my efficiency. I sleep on a fold out couch. Can you even comprehend that?

JOAN
More than you know. I-

SARA
I don’t even want to hear it.
(Mark reenters with two glasses of iced water)

MARK (Sitting)
Here you go.
(Sara takes another drink and immediately chases it with water)

SARA
Even with water it hurts.
(Mark grabs bottle, takes a large drink and passes bottle to Joan, who follows suit)

MARK
It’s not that bad.

JOAN
I suppose it’s kind of harsh. I think I can see where she’s coming from.

MARK (To Joan)
It’s not harsh. This is single malt scotch. The best there is. Aged over twenty years.

SARA
I’m not saying it’s bad, just that it’s harsh if you’re not used to it.

MARK
It seems pretty damn smooth to me.

JOAN
But if you don’t drink a lot . . .

MARK
Do we still have any of that cheap stuff left? The Canadian whiskey?

JOAN
Um, I think so.

MARK
I’ll go get it and we can do a taste test.

SARA
I don’t think that’ll prove-

MARK
It’ll just take a second. I’ll be right back.
(Exits)

JOAN
This should be interesting.

SARA
Really, this night is getting to be too much for-

JOAN
Just play along, queenie.

SARA
Every time we start getting to talk like rational people you start with name-calling. You don’t need to act so aloof. Now, when you call me ‘queenie,’ I just think you’re childish. The impact is gone. It just makes you sound stupid.

JOAN
Another point for you. Adaptation. You’re evolving before my eyes.

SARA
Are you always this shallow?

JOAN
It’s just a role. We have to see who scores the most points.

SARA
Fuck your points. You’re acting like some . . . spoiled brat. You show no trace of humanity.

JOAN
Good for me! I’m not supposed to.
(Mark enters with a bottle, half full)

MARK (Reading bottle)
‘Ogilvie’s Canadian Trapper.’ I think this bottle was about six bucks, maybe seven. This should prove illuminating.

JOAN (Grabbing bottle out of his hand)
Let me taste it.
(She takes a drink and grimaces)
Oh. Hand me the Glengarry.
(Takes a drink of the single malt and smiles)
Damn. That’s good shit.

SARA
Let me taste ‘em.
(Takes a small sip of each and grimaces after both)
They both taste harsh. There isn’t that much difference.
(Mark grabs both bottles and tastes them)

MARK
There isn’t that much difference? What are you thinking? It’s like night and day.

SARA
Maybe if we mixed them with Coke . . .

JOAN
What? You don’t mix scotch and Coke. Don’t you know anything?

MARK
If you mix scotch, which you usually don’t, it’s with soda water. You normally just use ice. Never cola.

SARA
What do you do about the taste?

MARK
You’re supposed to savor it. This bottle was over a hundred dollars.

SARA
You spent a hundred dollars on that?

MARK
If you want quality, you have to pay for it.

SARA
Quality? (Laughs) It tastes like ass. You spend four hundred dollars on this every day?

MARK
Actually it’s a bit over five.

SARA (Doing the math)
That’s almost four thousand dollars a week!

JOAN
Like I said, it’s an expensive habit.

SARA
That’s not expensive, that’s absurd!

JOAN
You should have seen the bill before we cut down.

SARA
My rent is only five hundred a month. You spend about (Pause) I don’t even want to figure it out.

MARK
Our average is about fourteen thousand a month.

SARA
Fourteen thousand? That’s- (Pause) That’s over two years of my rent. In one month.

JOAN
Once you get used to the good stuff, it’s hard to drink anything else.

SARA
A champagne habit is cheaper. Even Dom.

MARK
We did that for a while. Too sugary. It gave us hangovers. Also, it felt too cheesy drinking a bunch of premium champagne every day. With champagne we had to drink about ten-

JOAN
More like twelve.

MARK
-twelve bottles a day. Just not enough alcohol content.

JOAN
So we switched to whiskey. Or scotch. They’re pretty much the same thing as far as we’re concerned.

SARA
I happen to know there’s a difference between scotch and whiskey.

JOAN (Staring to almost laugh)
Don’t bother. It’s a little too late for you to act like a connoisseur. We know the difference. We only buy the premium brands. That’s all I’m saying. We buy the best.

SARA
So you’re suckers for marketing. That’s what you’re saying.

JOAN
No. We try to buy the quality-

SARA (Cutting her off)
But if the Canadian stuff there was a hundred dollars, you’d buy it.

JOAN
Well. (Pause) That may be another point for you. I’m not sure. There is a difference between good alcohol and crap, but I’m sure marketing and price enter into it.

SARA
Fifteen thousand dollars? You’ve got to be kidding. A cocaine habit is probably cheaper. You people make me sick.

JOAN
Oh, right. If you had that much money, you wouldn’t waste any of it.

SARA
I’m not saying that. But I wouldn’t blow it on booze, that’s for sure.

MARK
No, of course not.

SARA
Where do you guys get off judging me?

JOAN
Well, you’re a guest in our house. That’s a start, isn’t it?

SARA
Still, that doesn’t give you-

JOAN
It gives me every right, queenie. You think you you’re so much better because you have no money. Well, wake up honey, money changes nothing. Rich or poor, you’re still you. You still have to-

SARA
How would you know how-

JOAN
Well fuck you! I never said I was born into money. I just said my parents were rich. They weren’t always that way. I grew up with shoes that were too small for me, so don’t bother acting the martyr. My toes are deformed from those fucking shoes! Have you ever had to gather around a can of green beans for dinner with your parents? I know what it is to be poor. I really doubt you do.

SARA
Well I’m sorry. It just sounded like-

JOAN
I don’t care what it sounded like. You still have no right to judge me.

SARA
I’m sorry.

MARK
Joan, would you get another glass of ice? Let’s do this right. Scotch on the rocks!
(Looks at empty wrist then at Joan)
Is it still festival?

JOAN (Resignation)
Of course it is.
(Exits)

SARA
Am I supposed to be having a good time?

MARK
Well, you’re always saying that your life is boring. No excitement. This should be quite an experience for you. Threat. Weirdness. Conflict. Mystery. What more could you ask for?

SARA
How about comfort , honesty, and stability? I don’t require an over-the-top experience. I was looking forward to a relaxing dinner. For two. Instead, there’s all-
(Joan enters with another glass, sits. Mark empties the two glasses of ice water, using hand to retain ice, on the floor behind him. He looks at Joan who immediately responds)

JOAN
Yes, dear.

MARK (Pouring drinks)
I think you’ll find that this is a lot easier than drinking it straight. The first couple drinks will still be pretty tough, but the rest will be better. The ice melts quickly, watering it down. That lessens the bite, leaving the flavor pretty much intact.
(They all take a sip of their drink)
We’ll get a good buzz going, then when we’re all friends, we’ll break out the Dom.

SARA
Dom? Dom Perignon?

MARK
Is there another?

SARA
I’ve never had that. I’ve always wanted to try it, but it’s just so expensive. (Pause) What if we don’t become friends?

MARK
Then no Dom.

SARA
But-

MARK (Taking a drink)
I was only kidding. We’ll have the Dom regardless. After all, it-

SARA (Obviously getting drunk)
It’s festival!

JOAN (Taking a drink)
It would seem she’s met the first of your criteria. She’s already drunk.

SARA
I’m not drunk. I just have a teensy little buzz, that’s all.

JOAN
You look drunk. What with your silly grin and all.

SARA
I’m excited about having Dom. I’ve never had it.

JOAN
So you said.

SARA
I really don’t normally drink this much. (Pause) My cheeks are getting numb.

JOAN
So what do you do?

SARA
Drink more, I guess.
(Takes a couple more small drinks)
You were right. You do get used to it. It is better with ice.

JOAN
No. I meant what do you do for a living.

SARA (Taking another drink)
Oh. (Laughs)
(Long pause)

JOAN
So what do you do for a living?

SARA
Oh, sorry. Data entry. I work at Tyrell.

JOAN
Sounds fascinating.

SARA
Actually it’s pretty boring.

JOAN
I was being facetious.

MARK
Be nice, Joan. We were almost getting along.
(Pause. They all take another drink)

SARA
Yeah, be nice Joan.

JOAN
I’m trying. How would you feel if you were in my shoes?

SARA
I offered to leave. You asked me to stay. Aren’t those drugs kicking in yet?

JOAN
Obviously. I haven’t killed you yet, have I?

MARK
C’mon! We’ve been through all this. Why don’t you tell Sara what you do for a living?

JOAN
Mark! What are you-

MARK
About the library job.

JOAN
Oh. I’m a college librarian.

SARA
Really? What college?

JOAN
Does it matter?
(Long pause)
Are you going to have the baby?

MARK
That subject can wait till later. Last I heard, it still took nine months. Festival is about partying to excess and letting things fester in the backs of minds.
(Stands, raises glass)
I’d like to propose a toast. (Pause) To the wind, and illumination through diversion.
(Joan and Sara stand)

JOAN
The wind.

SARA
The wind.
(They all clink glasses and drink. Joan and Sara sit back down, Mark walks to bureau and grabs the gun. He turns and points the gun at Sara. Her face registers profound shock. He pulls the trigger. A loud report erupts from gun and Sara screams. She checks herself, there is no wound. Still, she is somewhat in shock)

MARK (Looking at gun)
Damn. That’s loud.

SARA
What did you do that for? You almost gave me a heart-attack.

MARK
They’re just blanks. I wanted to see if they worked. (Pause) This might be a good time to remind you that the door is locked.
(Sara finishes drink and pours another with shaking hands. She does not look at the door, where the key still rests in the lock. Mark puts the gun back)

SARA
Why are doing this to me?

MARK (Sitting)
Doing what?

SARA
Keeping me here and fucking with my head!

MARK
I’m not keeping you here.

SARA
You locked me in.

MARK
All I said was that the door is locked. The key is in the lock. You’ve been free to leave for quite some time now.

SARA (Looking at door)
I can leave? Right now?

MARK
If that is your desire.
(Sara stands and walks to door, unlocks and opens it)
See? You’re free. (Pause) Of course, if you leave now, you’ll miss the rest of festival and the Dom. But go ahead, if you want.

SARA (Pausing at door, undecided)
Can we have the Dom now?

MARK
After we finish our scotch. But soon, yes.
(Sara closes door and sits back down. She looks at the others
sheepishly, as if they were predators)

JOAN
Relax, Sara. We’re not going to bite your head off. We might tweak it a little, but we won’t bite.

SARA
You called me Sara. You didn’t call me ‘queenie.’

JOAN
See? Even I can be nice. Sometimes. I may nibble at you a bit, but I promise I won’t bite. You can understand why I’m not exactly thrilled to have you here, though. Right?

SARA
Yes. I’m not exactly thrilled to meet you, either.

MARK
There. You have something in common. Isn’t this great?

SARA
I wouldn’t call it-

MARK (Interrupting)
A toast!
(Raises glass)
To the wind!

JOAN
We already did that one.

MARK
So we did. A toast to . . . (Pause) Death and taxes!

JOAN
We can’t toast to that.

MARK
Do you have a better toast?

JOAN
Almost anything is better than-

SARA
I have a toast.

MARK
Let’s hear it.

SARA (Raising her glass)
To festival. No experience necessary.

MARK
Hear, hear!
(They clink and drink)

SARA
I could definitely get used to this.

JOAN
Wait till tomorrow.

SARA
What do you mean?

JOAN
You’re probably going to have one hell of a hangover.

SARA
I forgot all about that.

MARK
And we haven’t even hit the Dom yet.

SARA (Finishes her drink, coughs)
I’m done. Can we open the Dom now?

MARK
I don’t see why not.

JOAN (Droll)
How very very exciting.

SARA
Well it is for me.
(Mark exits)

JOAN
Grab three bottles!

MARK (From kitchen)
I was going to!

JOAN
We can each have our own bottle.

MARK (From kitchen)
We’ve only got one bottle in here! An ‘85!

JOAN
Damn.

SARA
I don’t care.
(Loud pop echoes from kitchen)

JOAN
It’s just champagne. Granted, it’s expensive, but it’s still just alcohol. The scotch was expensive, too. More expensive, actually. You weren’t excited about that.

SARA (Beginning to slur a little)
That’s different.

JOAN
How?

SARA
Well for one thing, (Pause) It’s just different.

MARK (Entering with bottle and glasses)
Anyone for champagne?

SARA
I want some!

JOAN
It was rhetorical.

SARA
Shush!

MARK (Pouring the champagne)
Yeah. What she said. This is the penultimate moment of festival.

JOAN
At least it’s almost over.

SARA (To Mark)
Thank you very much.
(She starts to take a drink)

MARK
Wait. We have to have a toast.

JOAN
Now what? A toast to herpes and pederasty?

SARA
Don’t be such a spoil sport.

MARK
Yeah, Joan. You’re pooping on our party.

SARA (Laughing)
Party-pooper!

JOAN (To Sara)
I don’t feel half as drunk as you look.

SARA (Matter-of-fact)
That’s ‘cuz you’re a lush. (Short pause) Am I slurring?

JOAN
You have been for a while.

SARA
No I haven’t.

JOAN
Yes, I’m afraid-

SARA (Ignoring her)
Do a toast, Mark. I wanna taste this.

MARK (Raising glass, they follow suit)
To the immediate future and the dog that bit you.

SARA
The future.

JOAN
The dog.
(Clink and drink)

SARA
That’s yummy. (Burp) Excuse me. Bubbles.

MARK
Is it everything you expected?

SARA
I guess I always figured that if I had a chance to drink Dom, it’d be in some fancy-pants restaurant with like, Mozart playing in the background and-

MARK
Taste, Sara. Is the flavor what you expected?

SARA
I don’t really know what I expected, but it’s very good.
(Takes a couple more drinks and pauses)
Just how much is this stuff?

JOAN
Out of your league. But we can afford it.

MARK
Joan. That bottle was about $150.

SARA
It must be nice.

JOAN
It is.

SARA
You’re a lot more tolerable when I’m drunk.
(Finishes drink and motions toward bottle)
May I? Thanks. (Pouring) In fact, you seem pretty sad. Like a bug on a pin.

JOAN (Surprised)
Point. Too bad you need the alcohol to really loosen up. You may just win after all.

SARA (Drinking more quickly, tense)
Win after all? Didn’t I win the moment he came to me?

JOAN
Point again. Damn, Mark. You were right. I do like her. She seems so timid, but she’s got that sassy edge. Especially if you get her loaded.

SARA
I didn’t realize anyone still used the word “sassy.”

JOAN
Let’s not overdo it. You were doing so well, now you’re ruining it.

SARA
And I’m trying so hard to impress you.

MARK (Standing suddenly)
Party games!
(Grabs gun and hands it to Sara)

SARA
What’s this for?

MARK
Shoot Joan.

SARA
What?!

MARK
It’s just blanks, remember. It’ll feel good. There’s a certain catharsis to it.

JOAN
Go ‘head.
(Sara points gun at Joan’s chest and pulls trigger. Loud report and Joan falls backward off chair, clutching her chest. Sara screams and runs over to Joan, who is lying still on the floor with blood on her chest)

SARA
Oh my God! She’s bleeding. I thought . . .
(Looks down at gun in her hand and throws it toward the broken bottles and glasses)
What did I do?

MARK (Looking at gun)
Jesus! I didn’t really think you’d do it.

SARA
But I thought-

MARK
You shot her!

SARA
You said it was-

MARK
What a mess. Joan, you’re really going to have to sweep up in here.

JOAN (Still on floor)
Yes, dear.

SARA
What?
(Sick pause)
Is this another game?

MARK
Of course it is. I said ‘party games,’ not ‘party murder.’

JOAN (Getting up)
Just a game. (Looking down) This stain will never come out.

SARA
Are you guys always like this?

JOAN
Of course not. This is festival.
(Sara grabs her drink, finishes it and pours another with shaking hands. She does not sit down, instead glances at door)

MARK (As he and Joan sit)
Have a seat.

SARA
I don’t think so.

MARK
We’re not boring you, are we?

SARA
Right. I think that’s enough excitement. I should really get going.
(Finishes drink and throws glass onto mess pile)

MARK (Standing)
Are you sure you need to leave now?

SARA
Quite sure. Besides, I still have to drive. (Sotto) Plus, I feel a bit sick.

JOAN
It was nice meeting you.

SARA
It’s been . . . interesting.
(Mark and Sara walk to door while Joan grabs a few things from table and exits to kitchen)

MARK
I’ll call you tomorrow. We still have reservations for-

SARA
I don’t know. I mean, Joan-

MARK
Don’t worry about that. She wasn’t kidding about the divorce. It’s a topic we’ve been avoiding, but it’s been a long time coming. Besides, I think she likes you. (Pause) Dinner. Okay?

SARA
I really don’t-
(Mark grabs her gently and kisses her)

MARK
I love you so much.

SARA (After short pause)
I love you, too. (Pause) This has been a night I won’t soon forget.

MARK
It’s settled. Dinner.
(Sara opens door to leave)
I recommend taking a couple aspirin before bed. And I have a hired taxi outside at all times. I recommend taking that also. It will bring you back to your car when you wake up tomorrow. Tell the guy in the black and red taxi that it’s festival and he’ll know you’re with me.

SARA
Okay.
(Walks out door and turns to face Mark)
I’ll see you tomorrow. (Pause) By the way, you guys really need to sweep up.
(She laughs awkwardly and kisses him, then exits)

JOAN (Entering)
Is she gone?

MARK
Yes.
(She hands him something which he puts in his back pocket, then she collapses into chair)

JOAN
God, that was weird.

MARK
Yes, it was, wasn’t it? There was a couple times I thought she’d catch on, but overall, it went really well. Better than expected, in fact.

JOAN
She’s not really pregnant, is she?

MARK
No. I paid her doctor to say that. That was another five thousand. It was the most expensive part of the whole night. It helped that I went to high school with him. You know, old football buddy . . . Plus, I had to guarantee that there wouldn’t be a lawsuit. I signed a waiver claiming full responsibility. Like he wouldn’t still lose his license.

JOAN
This has been an expensive night for you. And you still owe me two hundred dollars.

MARK
That I do. (Walks to bureau and writes a check) And I’m giving you a three hundred dollar bonus; I think you did really well.

JOAN
You can’t afford it.

MARK (Handing her a check)
I’ve been saving up for quite a few months for this. I can afford it.

JOAN (Laughing)
When we slammed that bottle, I just about lost it. Even apple juice is hard to guzzle. I thought for sure she’d smell it on our breath.

MARK (Lighting cigarette)
That’s what all the cigarettes were for. ( Short pause) I really think your performance was an unqualified success.

JOAN
Thank you. And thanks for the bonus.

MARK
It was worth it. You’re a fine actress. (Short pause) I don’t mean to sound rude, but I really need to get some sleep. It’s been a long day.

JOAN
Of course. (Stands) So, when are you going to tell her the truth?

MARK
Tomorrow night over dinner.

JOAN
How do you think she’ll react?

MARK
She’s very resilient. It’s one of the things I love about her. She’ll probably be upset for a few minutes, then laugh it off. She really does live a boring life, very robotic. She just doesn’t know how to cut loose and have fun. She needs more excitement. She told me she wants some excitement.

JOAN (Walking to door)
I hope everything works out. Hope she’s not too pissed.

MARK
You think I went too far?

JOAN
She thinks she’s pregnant. That’ll be the biggest issue. She’s gonna have a long night tonight.

MARK
Jesus, I didn’t even think about it like that.

JOAN
You probably should have. No, strike that. You definitely should have. She seems really nice, though. I’m sure everything will be fine.

MARK (Unsure)
Yeah.

JOAN
Hey. Chin up, now. It’ll be okay.

MARK
I should have thought this out more.

JOAN
Well, it’s been a learning experience. For both of us. I just wish I could use it on a résumé. Thanks again.

MARK
Thank you. You really made it work.

(They shake hands, and having nothing else to say, she leaves. Alone now, he walks to the table and takes a drink from the bottle of Dom. Looking around, he sighs and sits down. When he sits, the door opens unexpectedly. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a small plastic remote and stares at it. Just as the voice begins to say, “Death. Greed. Desire.” he pushes a button, cutting it off halfway through the word ‘desire.’ He sighs again and takes another drink.)

CURTAIN

NCBSU!

NAKED CHICK BLOWS SHIT UP!
THE MOTION PICTURE

“Everyone. Everywhere. You will be offended.”

a screenplay by meat™

© 2010, 000 Over 000



FADE IN

INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

A beautiful woman is removing her clothes. Slowly. Once naked, she walks over to a table covered with lots of guns and explosives, a backpack and a cell phone. She carefully packs the pack full, straps other guns, bombs and grenades to the outside of the pack, then puts it on. Looking around she notices combat boots and nods an “oh yeah” thing and puts them on too.
Seemingly as an afterthought, she dons a belt with two holsters and tons of ammo clips all over it. She regards the table and chooses the two highest caliber guns with the longest clips. These fucking guns must shoot hundreds of bullets before she’ll need to reload. Sweet.
Finished with prep, she light a cigarette and smokes it while sensually running her hands and fingers all over her thighs and breasts. This goes on while she smokes the whole cigarette. At least a couple minutes. When done, she flicks it at the wall and picks up her cell phone. Dials a number.

NAKED CHICK:
It’s me. The shit’s on.

CUT TO

EXT. HOUSE. DAY.

Naked Chick is leaving her house and locking the door. Walks down the small porch’s stairs and turns to face house. She lifts her hand and pushes a button on small transceiver.

NAKED CHICK:
Fuck. I forgot about my goldfish.

BOOM! The house explodes in a huge fireball.

NAKED CHICK:
Sorry Semtex. It was an accident.

She looks sad for a moment, then shrugs a cute “oh well” and walks away toward her car. She gets in and fiddles briefly with stuff we can’t see, then turns it on. Backs out of drive-way and speeds off. At a group of young black kids with their fucking pants-waist down to their knees she skids loudly to a halt, leaving a smoking skid mark on the road. (Is she wearing the backpack while driving?) She gets out and confronts the kids to much wooing and hahing her nakedness.

NAKED CHICK:
What the fuck is the deal here?!
Can’t you just pull your fucking
pants up? God Damn It. You have
no idea how stupid you look, I’m
guessing. Well, you look really
fucking retarded, okay?

IDIOT KID 1:
Man, you ain’t got no idea what
my life and lifestyle is, so get
the fuck out my face.

NAKED CHICK:
Look, TV Stain, you are. an. idiot.
You think copying an idiotic
non-conformist
(EXAGGERATES THE WORDS)
gesture, even though it’s
really fucking stupid, makes you not
just different but better. The fact
that you don’t wear clothes correctly
makes you somehow better and cooler
than people like me. Well, bad
example. Still, most people think
your pants-falling-down fashion sense
and your three-year-old way of
pronouncing things incorrectly like
libary and aks shows a juvenile and
inconsequential mind. You will never
be taken seriously unless you come up
with better ways to rebel. Fuck, man,
don’t you realize that punks and
goths and even B&D and hard-core
wingnuts are taken more serious than
fuckheads like you? The guy that
likes to fuck some other guy in the
ass and then cums in that guy’s ass
and then have that guy fart out the
semen into his mouth is higher up on
the credibility food-chain than you.
What do you think about that?

IDIOT KID 2:
Shit, you be fucking goin’ off on
some crazy shit bitch. I ain’t never-

NAKED CHICK:
Shut the fuck up. You fuckin’
knuckle-heads pull your pants up
now, or I’ll kill you.

IDIOT KID 1:
Fuck you! This is a free count-

NAKED CHICK:
Five seconds.

IDIOT KID 1:
You don’t scare me, bitch.

Naked Chick smiles and looks around. This will be fun.

FADE INTO

SAME, LATER

Naked Chick stands over the decimated corpses; blood everywhere.
And the death toll (not counting Semtex, the goldfish), begins.

FADE OUT

CREDIT SEQUENCE (W/ sexy girl breathing s/t)

FADE IN

INT. HER CAR. DAY.

Bloody and horny, she is masturbating in the backseat of her car. This takes only about 23 seconds as she been doing this throughout the credit sequence. She finishes, licks her fingers, climbs over the seat into the driver’s seat and squeezes one nipple with each hand and makes a Beep Beep noise. Starts the car and begins driving.


TO BE CONTINUED

03-04-10 v.2

Today's motto:
You took it out of context.

Today's movie quote:
“You should have a cloak lined with Ermine.”

03 March 2010

03-04-10

Today's new holiday:
Find a sleeping homeless person and rub a 9-volt battery on their tongue and make a wish before they wake up.

Today's birthday zodiac:
Stop blinking your eyes so much when you smoke meth because if you don't, you will run out of blinks by next year and your eyes will dry up and fall out.

TODAY!

Today's MSTie-project is Daddy-O
Push
the
button,
Frank

Today's movie pick is Food of the Gods at a drive-in.

Today's song is Autobahn by Señor Coconut

Today's new holiday is some trumped-up version of some lame-ass holiday that didn't work last year but might, now.
“Look, the memo was wet. It's not my fault. I got this damn thing a while ago and it's all smudged. Fuck, man, it's winter. You have to expect shit like this and make the best of it.”

Today's birthday zodiac:
If you end up at a bar tonight and a game of darts seems fitting, the Zodiac would recommend aiming for 18's as these will yield you the best results for missing 18's and hitting the other important numbers. Also, it will spoil you with riches when you hit two triple twenties in one turn!

Today's number is 14

Today's book is Trout Fishing in America

Today's Words are the anagrams of SPTO

Today's motto:
“Take it from me, I love you.” -Pit Pat, Globo-Chem spokes-thing

Today's movie quote:
“MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!”
(from about 3 movies each summer)