knock knock
who's there
shitty joke dump 64
GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN! THERE IS NO SHITTY JOKE DUMP 64!! DEMON!!
16 June 2010
Shitty Joke Dump 63
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Knock Knock.
Knock Knock who?
Knock Knock jokes are dead! Get with the times!
Who's there?
Knock Knock.
Knock Knock who?
Knock Knock jokes are dead! Get with the times!
03 May 2010
Shitty Joke Dump 62
nok nok!
who's there?
"Whose Their?" Whose their what?
"Who's they're?" They are what? Grammar?!
Gramma who?
Gra'ma pants would'ja? I been fucking the wrong joke!
who's there?
"Whose Their?" Whose their what?
"Who's they're?" They are what? Grammar?!
Gramma who?
Gra'ma pants would'ja? I been fucking the wrong joke!
Change One Letter 2
As with last time, change one letter to make a new movie. This time I tried to change the title but keep the intent or major plot point intact.
As Food As It Gets
Walking Fall
Star Cars
Howard the Fuck
The Big Child
Theme Will Be Blood
As Food As It Gets
Walking Fall
Star Cars
Howard the Fuck
The Big Child
Theme Will Be Blood
03 April 2010
The Rubber Chicken of Insanity
The Rubber Chicken of Insanity:
THE STORY OF GOD
a thing by meat™
The world sits in its place. It waits. It knows, given enough time and patience, that things cannot help but happen. And happen they do. Things, that is. Of course.
The first thing that happens is a thing called boredom.
The second thing that happens is called impatience.
The third thing that happens is called improvisation.
Therefore, one of the first few things that happens is the invention of bad comedy.
It is not my fault.
Now we will concentrate our attention to matters of Novelty.
Also, we will ignore Herbert Winslow at all times possible.
Just because.
When you have to sneeze, but cannot, it is anti-climactic.
Again, this is not my fault.
Being God doesn't mean whatever you think it means.
Being God doesn't even mean whatever I think it means.
I am what is the thing called am.
The End.
Now we will focus on matters of non-novelty.
Your life isn't working out the way you wanted it to.
Neither is anyone else's.
Not even the people who seem to be "rich."
If you take offense to harsh language, keep in mind that I gave you the letters and flora and fauna to see what you would do with them. Any combinations of letters or matter or concepts that you can come up with are pre-ordained, and therefore cannot come as a surprising or offensive structure. Words are made of letters that I gave you, and therefore cannot be used against me.
Profanity, including false idols, is impossible given the phonemes and symbols provided for your disposal. The Tower of Babel is a human invention and therefore meaningless in contemplation of the Absolute.
Given all the tools of communication I have provided for you, you still lack the conceptual apparatus to prove or disprove the existence of Me. That is nothing more than part of the Design.
Fuck and cunt are nothing but strings of letters. Presidency or kingship, in all of its permutations, are nothing but a string of words and / or concepts of your own design. I concede no authority beyond Myself. Only you can give power to those who would wield it over you.
Love is only possible between those with freedom from constraint. Love is only possible among equals.
Constraint is just a string of letters.
As is love.
As is equals.
Everything is another string.
Your life is controlled by things that do not have any physical presence.
When letters and concepts control and sometimes kill you, you are as far from truth as you can be, without having any existence.
Existence is a word.
I am a word.
I am a concept.
I am a set of precepts.
I am forgivance and understanding.
I am vengeance.
I am and is a word.
You are also a word.
You are a concept.
You are a set.
You are more than a product of your set and setting.
You have been given free will, and if you do not use it, others will, over you.
Divinity is another string, as is everything and anything.
Your complete existence is based on strings.
Strings are not infinite, nor are they immortal.
Strings are pieces or points laid in a certain order, to create a set, or array of coordinates. These are controllable.
Your life is a series of events. Your life is a string.
Strings may be stretched. Strings may be diverted. Strings may be broken.
All that exists, exists towards an end.
All strings have an end.
All lines eventually settle to a point. Nothing that exists can be infinite. Only concepts can approach infinity.
Nothing that has existence can be a concept and nothing else.
Intersections of existence create permutations. Some of these permutations register on human perception as the concepts of love, hate, respect, fear, etcetera.
All these "emotional responses" are still intangible creations of imperfect beings. Labels and words do not approach truth anymore than colors and scents approach physical objects you can hold. Perception is as flawed as emotion.
All you can imagine defines borders.
Imagination itself implies lack of substance.
The creation of a ceiling implies a boundary.
Dwellings impose a barrior to you as much as they impose an impasse to others.
Freedom is a word. A string of letters created by human expectations. Nothing more.
Arbitrary lines written figuratively into the Earth are nothing more than arbitrary guidelines imposed on others to be enforced by concepts of greed and propriatorship. The Earth itself and most of the life-forms on the Earth do not, and cannot, abide nor acknowledge such concepts, short of territorial urinations to create substantial boundaries. Lines on a map are nothing more than lines on a map and have no physical bearing on the Earth itself.
All life is equal in terms of existence.
Everything that exists, does so for its own purpose or objective.
Life exists only in a symbiotic relationship to other life.
The sole purpose of life is to survive.
As with any endeavor, this too fails.
THE STORY OF GOD
a thing by meat™
The world sits in its place. It waits. It knows, given enough time and patience, that things cannot help but happen. And happen they do. Things, that is. Of course.
The first thing that happens is a thing called boredom.
The second thing that happens is called impatience.
The third thing that happens is called improvisation.
Therefore, one of the first few things that happens is the invention of bad comedy.
It is not my fault.
Now we will concentrate our attention to matters of Novelty.
Also, we will ignore Herbert Winslow at all times possible.
Just because.
When you have to sneeze, but cannot, it is anti-climactic.
Again, this is not my fault.
Being God doesn't mean whatever you think it means.
Being God doesn't even mean whatever I think it means.
I am what is the thing called am.
The End.
Now we will focus on matters of non-novelty.
Your life isn't working out the way you wanted it to.
Neither is anyone else's.
Not even the people who seem to be "rich."
If you take offense to harsh language, keep in mind that I gave you the letters and flora and fauna to see what you would do with them. Any combinations of letters or matter or concepts that you can come up with are pre-ordained, and therefore cannot come as a surprising or offensive structure. Words are made of letters that I gave you, and therefore cannot be used against me.
Profanity, including false idols, is impossible given the phonemes and symbols provided for your disposal. The Tower of Babel is a human invention and therefore meaningless in contemplation of the Absolute.
Given all the tools of communication I have provided for you, you still lack the conceptual apparatus to prove or disprove the existence of Me. That is nothing more than part of the Design.
Fuck and cunt are nothing but strings of letters. Presidency or kingship, in all of its permutations, are nothing but a string of words and / or concepts of your own design. I concede no authority beyond Myself. Only you can give power to those who would wield it over you.
Love is only possible between those with freedom from constraint. Love is only possible among equals.
Constraint is just a string of letters.
As is love.
As is equals.
Everything is another string.
Your life is controlled by things that do not have any physical presence.
When letters and concepts control and sometimes kill you, you are as far from truth as you can be, without having any existence.
Existence is a word.
I am a word.
I am a concept.
I am a set of precepts.
I am forgivance and understanding.
I am vengeance.
I am and is a word.
You are also a word.
You are a concept.
You are a set.
You are more than a product of your set and setting.
You have been given free will, and if you do not use it, others will, over you.
Divinity is another string, as is everything and anything.
Your complete existence is based on strings.
Strings are not infinite, nor are they immortal.
Strings are pieces or points laid in a certain order, to create a set, or array of coordinates. These are controllable.
Your life is a series of events. Your life is a string.
Strings may be stretched. Strings may be diverted. Strings may be broken.
All that exists, exists towards an end.
All strings have an end.
All lines eventually settle to a point. Nothing that exists can be infinite. Only concepts can approach infinity.
Nothing that has existence can be a concept and nothing else.
Intersections of existence create permutations. Some of these permutations register on human perception as the concepts of love, hate, respect, fear, etcetera.
All these "emotional responses" are still intangible creations of imperfect beings. Labels and words do not approach truth anymore than colors and scents approach physical objects you can hold. Perception is as flawed as emotion.
All you can imagine defines borders.
Imagination itself implies lack of substance.
The creation of a ceiling implies a boundary.
Dwellings impose a barrior to you as much as they impose an impasse to others.
Freedom is a word. A string of letters created by human expectations. Nothing more.
Arbitrary lines written figuratively into the Earth are nothing more than arbitrary guidelines imposed on others to be enforced by concepts of greed and propriatorship. The Earth itself and most of the life-forms on the Earth do not, and cannot, abide nor acknowledge such concepts, short of territorial urinations to create substantial boundaries. Lines on a map are nothing more than lines on a map and have no physical bearing on the Earth itself.
All life is equal in terms of existence.
Everything that exists, does so for its own purpose or objective.
Life exists only in a symbiotic relationship to other life.
The sole purpose of life is to survive.
As with any endeavor, this too fails.
TV SHOWS YOU HAVE TO WATCH OR ELSE!!!
all your standard favorites really:
Bed Bugs Bite
Average Rubber Band (surviving members of Average White Band)
Bleeding Heart Band-aids
Tumors for Two
Headstrong Sympathy
Preteen Foreplay
The television show
All the Presidents' Wives (soap)
The Tall Cameras
Believe it or DIE! (game show)
The Pauly Shore Talent Hour (15 minutes)
M*A*S*H: Voyager
The Angry Grandmas (late night)
Shut the Fuck Up (talk show)
Smooth Like Silk
Shotglasses and Shotguns
The Ripe Vessels
Why are They Now? (spin-off from Where are They Now?)
Before They Were Whores (they used to be cool)
FIGHT CLUB: VOYAGER
Election (Movie spin-off, only 3 episodes per season)
Outdoing Divine (contestants try to 1-up the end of Pink Flamingos)
The Peatmoss Show
Pissing for Dollars
Fisting: The 20/20 Report
Yen and Yang (Japanese prostition expose [x-pose-a])
Buying for Minors (reality cop show)
Lolita (children's programming)
Oral Fixations (CENSORED)
Ready for Prime-Time Players (the new season of snl)
Pus for Pounds (British game show where you win one pound note for each ounce of pus you drink before vomiting)
Real or Not? (video clips of people doing the stupidest fucking shit ever, and
contestants have to guess if it's real or staged. Very difficult.)
People Watch Anything (fill in this blank)
Baywatch G.E.D. (hot babes try and try to learn)
Coca-Cola Polar Bears (children's [brain]programming)
panty huggers on dope.
crazy necktie experience.
back to wendy balsam.
check for lice.
granny handbag waltz number eighteen.
soundwhich.
probably greed.
it had to be food.
grab apple three thousand (the game show).
disco detective.
forget about the riots (the sitcom).
storm shield (the talk show).
funky spinster.
macguyvenschnausen.
garbage rider (the sports car action series).
my favorite wallet (the pbs special).
playhouse of numbers (the early morning children programming).
this is fucking nuts (the sunday night fox special).
singing crank robbers.
Television sucks (tonight at nine on nbc).
you can't do that on a nature preserve (the nickelodeon sketch comedy show).
my god, is that real?
give me your money (hosted by you know who).
where's the anecdote?
who's fine is it anyway (gimmicky balltard)?
People and shotguns.
the happy show.
canned laughter.
gimme a mothafuckin break, gee (hbo, dudes).
world's stupidest commercials (part 8471.72).
cram the money.
aspiring milkmen.
fresh prince.
The not-so-fresh feeling hour
family shambles.
alien bullfrog.
get fresh kids.
purple pop star.
73rd annual sellout awards.
crowd noise (half hour programming).
widescreen.
furious.
camp david.
gratuitous makeup.
FUL
KER
SON
grenadine.
bio-dome.
gee whiz.
baking bits (the talk show).
can't stop the magic (another fox special).
someday you will die (not a primetimer, dudes).
Camp Value.
17 hours (three seasons).
dig it.
the zoxyl family (sci-fi sitcom).
my friend the arab (banned).
could be.
i'm on tv!
my friend is gay (and black!).
name that tv theme.
my three punks (gimmicky bathrobe).
my dad asshole.
ground water.
escape from grandma.
talking water (yep).
the microsoft comedy hour (hosted by you know who).
oh, i get it.
please clean the toilet.
tradition!
zero zero zero over zero zero zero.
oh, jeez!
pick it up and go!
do these make sense anymore?
what is dialogue?
this is a title you know.
for a show.
that was just one.
as was that one.
and so on (self reflexivity is suplimentable material to this DeViated Decree).
free stuff!
when the wave paths work you're fucking screwed.
sit and wait, chief.
bargain basal mints.
dot com company [nbc saturday night drama (after nash bridges)].
Wasteland Express (the whole show takes place on a train, circa 1954).
that sound good to me.
Camp Electric.
Wine straight from the bottle.
good times (asphalt remix).
bragging rights (reality based).
the sugar salesman.
can't beat meat.
history of burnt books (1999-2000).
Y2K (the mini-series).
how lighters work (pbs again, dudes).
single handed (starring the olsen twins).
woody.
world's zaniest answering machine messages.
heart of glue (the soap opera).
camera short.
scratch paper (the sitcom about the starving artist).
ingmar attitudes (the a&e original program adapting ingmar bergman's movies to televison for a modern audience).
can i get one?
this is stupid.
reach for it dammit!
kings of navalingo.
wait up, man.
Slowly I turned
I heard a rumor.
guitar solo (public access).
camptown
races (the nashville network).
ween tv.
(for that matter) Tape-beatles tv).
listen to the radio.
Looking at Radios
This is stupid (updated cast).
i've met the people that you read about in books.
i've been to college.
Jamaica House (abc thurday night after Kirby in the Hood).
i can't get no.
who can figure out such devices (that's a rip off, dudes)?
american spirits (lights, in the yellow pack).
that girl sucks.
High school cult.
The Secret Adventures of Goobly Gimmix (the saturday morning series).
fun on tape!
Bikini bowlers.
word working shit.
hey, i work on cars too!
under your hat.
jesus freaks (upn staple).
Damn blasted (yet another fox special)!
cremated?
cannibal tracks.
cellar sellers.
django at Astoria (pbs).
cram of the crop.
that movie is awesome (thumbs up).
crank wrappers (edgy wb drama).
building blocks (eh?).
black and silly (public access).
crybaby surprise (reality based).
shoebox enterprise (public access sci-fi).
i can't stand my name (the game show).
You know, for kids (the website bought out by the studio chiefs that was subsequently turned into the weekly tv version of the hudsucker proxy).
i can't watch this.
the problem with keith.
my pockets are full (sitcom).
fill it with iron (mini-series).
creature from san jose.
catpower.
jungle mishaps.
party while the parents are away on vacation (mtv, dudes).
The sociology of everything (pbs half hour special).
qwerty youth.
The last show ever (Y3K sci-fi 7 hour movie event)
The closet door (Saturday mornings)
Jiffy Lube Porn-Off (spice channel)
My mother the Interocitor
Navy Lingo-a-thon
The Jerry Garcia Joke-a-thon (Jerry's Kids)
Catpower : The Next Generation
Devo Fucks Your Girlfriend Live on NBC!
Bed Bugs Bite
Average Rubber Band (surviving members of Average White Band)
Bleeding Heart Band-aids
Tumors for Two
Headstrong Sympathy
Preteen Foreplay
The television show
All the Presidents' Wives (soap)
The Tall Cameras
Believe it or DIE! (game show)
The Pauly Shore Talent Hour (15 minutes)
M*A*S*H: Voyager
The Angry Grandmas (late night)
Shut the Fuck Up (talk show)
Smooth Like Silk
Shotglasses and Shotguns
The Ripe Vessels
Why are They Now? (spin-off from Where are They Now?)
Before They Were Whores (they used to be cool)
FIGHT CLUB: VOYAGER
Election (Movie spin-off, only 3 episodes per season)
Outdoing Divine (contestants try to 1-up the end of Pink Flamingos)
The Peatmoss Show
Pissing for Dollars
Fisting: The 20/20 Report
Yen and Yang (Japanese prostition expose [x-pose-a])
Buying for Minors (reality cop show)
Lolita (children's programming)
Oral Fixations (CENSORED)
Ready for Prime-Time Players (the new season of snl)
Pus for Pounds (British game show where you win one pound note for each ounce of pus you drink before vomiting)
Real or Not? (video clips of people doing the stupidest fucking shit ever, and
contestants have to guess if it's real or staged. Very difficult.)
People Watch Anything (fill in this blank)
Baywatch G.E.D. (hot babes try and try to learn)
Coca-Cola Polar Bears (children's [brain]programming)
panty huggers on dope.
crazy necktie experience.
back to wendy balsam.
check for lice.
granny handbag waltz number eighteen.
soundwhich.
probably greed.
it had to be food.
grab apple three thousand (the game show).
disco detective.
forget about the riots (the sitcom).
storm shield (the talk show).
funky spinster.
macguyvenschnausen.
garbage rider (the sports car action series).
my favorite wallet (the pbs special).
playhouse of numbers (the early morning children programming).
this is fucking nuts (the sunday night fox special).
singing crank robbers.
Television sucks (tonight at nine on nbc).
you can't do that on a nature preserve (the nickelodeon sketch comedy show).
my god, is that real?
give me your money (hosted by you know who).
where's the anecdote?
who's fine is it anyway (gimmicky balltard)?
People and shotguns.
the happy show.
canned laughter.
gimme a mothafuckin break, gee (hbo, dudes).
world's stupidest commercials (part 8471.72).
cram the money.
aspiring milkmen.
fresh prince.
The not-so-fresh feeling hour
family shambles.
alien bullfrog.
get fresh kids.
purple pop star.
73rd annual sellout awards.
crowd noise (half hour programming).
widescreen.
furious.
camp david.
gratuitous makeup.
FUL
KER
SON
grenadine.
bio-dome.
gee whiz.
baking bits (the talk show).
can't stop the magic (another fox special).
someday you will die (not a primetimer, dudes).
Camp Value.
17 hours (three seasons).
dig it.
the zoxyl family (sci-fi sitcom).
my friend the arab (banned).
could be.
i'm on tv!
my friend is gay (and black!).
name that tv theme.
my three punks (gimmicky bathrobe).
my dad asshole.
ground water.
escape from grandma.
talking water (yep).
the microsoft comedy hour (hosted by you know who).
oh, i get it.
please clean the toilet.
tradition!
zero zero zero over zero zero zero.
oh, jeez!
pick it up and go!
do these make sense anymore?
what is dialogue?
this is a title you know.
for a show.
that was just one.
as was that one.
and so on (self reflexivity is suplimentable material to this DeViated Decree).
free stuff!
when the wave paths work you're fucking screwed.
sit and wait, chief.
bargain basal mints.
dot com company [nbc saturday night drama (after nash bridges)].
Wasteland Express (the whole show takes place on a train, circa 1954).
that sound good to me.
Camp Electric.
Wine straight from the bottle.
good times (asphalt remix).
bragging rights (reality based).
the sugar salesman.
can't beat meat.
history of burnt books (1999-2000).
Y2K (the mini-series).
how lighters work (pbs again, dudes).
single handed (starring the olsen twins).
woody.
world's zaniest answering machine messages.
heart of glue (the soap opera).
camera short.
scratch paper (the sitcom about the starving artist).
ingmar attitudes (the a&e original program adapting ingmar bergman's movies to televison for a modern audience).
can i get one?
this is stupid.
reach for it dammit!
kings of navalingo.
wait up, man.
Slowly I turned
I heard a rumor.
guitar solo (public access).
camptown
races (the nashville network).
ween tv.
(for that matter) Tape-beatles tv).
listen to the radio.
Looking at Radios
This is stupid (updated cast).
i've met the people that you read about in books.
i've been to college.
Jamaica House (abc thurday night after Kirby in the Hood).
i can't get no.
who can figure out such devices (that's a rip off, dudes)?
american spirits (lights, in the yellow pack).
that girl sucks.
High school cult.
The Secret Adventures of Goobly Gimmix (the saturday morning series).
fun on tape!
Bikini bowlers.
word working shit.
hey, i work on cars too!
under your hat.
jesus freaks (upn staple).
Damn blasted (yet another fox special)!
cremated?
cannibal tracks.
cellar sellers.
django at Astoria (pbs).
cram of the crop.
that movie is awesome (thumbs up).
crank wrappers (edgy wb drama).
building blocks (eh?).
black and silly (public access).
crybaby surprise (reality based).
shoebox enterprise (public access sci-fi).
i can't stand my name (the game show).
You know, for kids (the website bought out by the studio chiefs that was subsequently turned into the weekly tv version of the hudsucker proxy).
i can't watch this.
the problem with keith.
my pockets are full (sitcom).
fill it with iron (mini-series).
creature from san jose.
catpower.
jungle mishaps.
party while the parents are away on vacation (mtv, dudes).
The sociology of everything (pbs half hour special).
qwerty youth.
The last show ever (Y3K sci-fi 7 hour movie event)
The closet door (Saturday mornings)
Jiffy Lube Porn-Off (spice channel)
My mother the Interocitor
Navy Lingo-a-thon
The Jerry Garcia Joke-a-thon (Jerry's Kids)
Catpower : The Next Generation
Devo Fucks Your Girlfriend Live on NBC!
BLOCKBU$TER MOVIE IDEA!
There's this group of good guys. They do all these creative crimes against the pig power structures. They travel a lot doing their missions. They steal import merchandise from the bad guys. Then they're chased out of Amsterdam and finally settle in a small Irish village for a couple years. The merchandise eventually arouses suspicion with locals. KGB, CIA, the mafia, yakuza, etc track the rumors and locate the people. Big fight scene. All but one of the good guys gets killed. The merchandise is stolen by some bad guys. Sole good guy chases all the bad guys and kills them all believably and gets the money, other stuff, and a beautiful ex-hostage babe. Babe double-crosses guy and in a bizarre attempt on his life, she inadvertently kills both of them. Stray cats eat most of their stuff, and the money all melts because it was really an ice cream decoy. Some other guy, someone's brother avenging the brother's death, beats all the bad guys' bad guy replacements but doesn't get much stuff because stray cats have eaten most of it. (The stray cats should be computer generated and very, very spooky.) New hero takes the real money and invests it wisely and is very rich in only six years. Also meets mysterious woman with a past. Fall in love. Walks by the beach, feeding pigeons, slow motion scenes in soft light with slow love song in background. Sex scene. Then at the lovers' mutual climax, bad guys break in and chase the naked couple across Europe. The pope gets assassinated for no discernable reason (see idea for first sequel) and war is threatened. The naked lovers save the day and the world is safe again. The lovers are arrested on their way home for indecent exposure and put in jail. Paperwork gets mixed up and they are both put to death. The orphan they adopted earlier sues the police for tons of money and goes on killing spree. The police don't know it's him and he terrorizes the city two years before the big chase scene where he gets blown up on a bridge. The old hero that was thought to be dead comes back to avenge the replacement hero's death against the families of the dead bad guys or something, but then decides instead to help the U.N. kill all the giant monsters that suddenly went berserk and started destroying all our major cities. It turns out that giant monsters are hyper-lactose-intolerant and they all die big grand I.L.M. deaths after being fed lots of cookies and milk. (Lucrative product tie-in possibilities with the Milk Council built into story. BIG $!) Hero and new true love run away to hide. But they'll be back! And so will their action figures and playsets and CCGs and video games and more!
Drunk and renting old movies... for YOU!
SINEMA
The quest for the best in bad cinema
drunk reviews by Meat Trademark
NOTE : These reviews do not always include full titles of movies that are adventures of, story of, etc., or a plot synopsis, even when there is a plot present. You can get that stuff anywhere. These are full-contact reviews. Brutal, even. Hell, some would call them downright Evil. Have fun, wear a cup and watch out for snakes!
Warning: meat™ hates almost everyone and everything and uses “language” and lots of “quotes” and commas, and on top of that, he uses lots of spoilers, footnotes and exclamation points too!!!!!
Ratings are out of a possible 10, with 10 being “best” (Road House, Kingdom of the Spiders, Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park, etc.)
If you’ve seen these movies before, the reviews will be more fun.
*THE A-TEAM (TV show, not new movie)
Well, well, well. It sure has been a while since I’ve seen any of this muck. I remember loving this show when I was just an ignorant little fuck. Now that I’m a much larger ignorant fuck, we’ll see.
I bet it’s still great!
Press play with absolutely no hesitancy.
The pilot episode is titled Mexican Slayride. Because, Hell, why wouldn’t it be?
Hey! that’s not “Face!” What the hell kind of two-bit operation is this?! I didn’t know the pilot was pre-Dirk Whatsisname! Have I just walked into a trap? Shit, I knew there should have been absolutely some hesitancy. Oh dear lord. It isn’t even the real “Face-man” Dirk Duder Dudikoff.
Speaking of faces, B. A. Baracus (Mr. T) got his ass kicked all over the place and then handed to him on the proverbial platter by the large-faced Aztec-lookin’ fella from the movie PUMA MAN of all places. Really-no-fooling PUMA MAN! Since nobody in the ‘carbon-based’ areas of this universe has seen PUMA MAN except maybe as an episode of Mystery Science Theater 30001, I guess I shouldn’t pursue any really big jokes that depend on actual foreknowledge of actually having seen PUMA MAN, actually. So, with heavy heart, I will just let it rest now, I guess.
Boy, Monsieur T sure does hang with the kids a lot. In this show and in MR. T: BE SOMEBODY OR BE SOMEBODY’S FOOL (almost reviewed later) and in his comic books. It just proves the age-old aphorism: Children love funny-looking insincere bad actors. I really don’t think there’s a Jackson/Friedman kinda thing going on wit da T, but it is a little off-putting until you realize that children are the only viable group for him to hang out with. Nobody else takes him seriously. Nobody but a child could think he looks cool and tough. With a straight face, even!
It appears that Murdoch (you know, the “crazy” one) called The T a “Mudsucker.” Is this an ethnic slur I’ve never heard before or did they just make up some gibberish? (Like “mope” from FAIR GAME which is reviewed later... Some of these slurs just seem overly stupid because they don’t let you know, just from the slur, who’s being discriminated against. Darkie is obvious, towel-head etc... Make your illogical hate obvious people! Or include a glossary!)
Add a pinch of Welcome Back, Kotter’s Ron Pallilo, half-bake at 420 degrees for two hours (with a few minutes of commercials stirred in briskly about every 12 minutes) and you’ve got yourself a mouthful! Hey, at least it wasn’t Vinnie in this one. That particular sweathog will be showing up later, though. MORE THAN ONCE!!! (Cue the spooky organ music.)
RATING : 6
*AIRWOLF
Yes. That Airwolf. I’m reviewing the pilot episode on DVD2. Could be a pip.
Really.
It’s on DVD.
I’ll just let that sink in for a moment.
Airwolf.
On DVD.
...?
Episode title: Shadow of the Hawke, because, see, Jan-Michael Vincent’s character’s name is Stringfellow Hawke. I swear to Eris3! It’s also got Ernest “I’LL TAKE ANY ROLE” Borgnine4 and David Hemmings.
Wait...
David Hemmings?!?!
What in the name of Jupiter’s Balls are you doing in this lousy helicopter show?
“It’s not a lousy helicopter! It’s Airwolf!”
Well, at least at the 21:00 minute mark I’m completely enjoying it. I’ve already seen godawful acting, the guy from BLOW-UP, stock footage, and unbelievability on the macro scale.
(By the way, I often write these reviews while viewing the movie, so when you feel the reviews start to change, that’s when I’m feeling it, too. In “real” time. Just in case you were wondering, or in case it helps them make more sense. It also explains the occasional shift from present to past tense in any given review. I’m just telling it as I see it. When I see it.)
25:00. Dude, they can’t all be this goodbad can they? All the episodes? This SO works. Some truly Roadhousian moments.
Sorry about that. I just called you dude, didn’t I? I’m getting carried away in my excitement.
35:00. Hemmings doesn’t so much “chew” the scenery as he does “Brundlefly vomit-drop on it and slurp it up.” Really. This is leagues beyond mere melodramatic over-acting. This over-emoting shines as bright as Jeremy Irons in DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS. It’s beyond the stealth bomber class of national security. It’s as though David had a little devil on his shoulder egging him on to go “larger” and be “bigger” without any pesky angel of pride or taste getting in the way. David “Big Bad” Hemmings. Well fuck off you cunt! Your presence here does not deter me. You got bleedin’ shafted and I still love you. In an all-guns-blazing macho hetero way of course. BLOW UP is and shall forever remain a brilliant classic and one of my all-time favorite films.
(Hey! Maybe Michelangelo Antonioni never saw Airwolf. Because, really, why would he? I’m just trying to comfort you here, David, but I really don’t know what else to say. You did, in fact, accept this role and shot the fucker, so therefore it really is your own fault. And hey, David, if he did see it, and if he was a real friend, he should have “been there” for you in this, your darkest hour. At least I hope this was your darkest hour. You never showed up on Momma’s Family did you? Because if you did, there’s nothing I can say or do to make either of us feel better. Some things are worse than murder and rape and child abuse. Momma’s Family, for instance. Shit like that can NEVER be forgiven.)
50:00. Still pretty darn goodbad. It’s working. Shit, dude, this little buckaroo is working its ass off!
Dude, I just called you dude again. Twice. Shit, I’m sorry. The eighties is just oozing out of the television and sliming its way up my torso and shoving an ovapositer down my throat.
I’m starting to fear that watching Mystery Science Theater 3000, for well over a decade now (counting first runs, reruns and VHS / DVD / VCD), has compromised my integrity. I’m at the one hour mark and my enjoyment and confidence levels are running bizarrely close to optimal. This little Airwoof thingy is delivering on all the levels I need my badfilms to deliver on (or to? or upon? huh?).
(The smile on my face makes you want to wash your eyes with brass wool.)
And just for good measure: the lamest, most forced, goofiest tear-jerker of an ending this side of LOVE STORY. And I know it’s a tear-jerker because Jan-Michael Vincent (hey, I didn’t name the guy; I’d never get sloppy like that and just dole out three first names on one person) had a little fakey looking tear shimmy down his pointy rat-like face at the end. I know you won’t (or didn’t) cry, but, as I mentioned earlier, I’m just tellin’ it like I sees it, cap.
I have no idea why I called you cap there. Is it short for captain or something? This review has been weird and I blame you, chief. I blame you.
Damn, that was fun. I think I’ll watch it again. So you should read the review again, too, probably. Just to be safe, dude. Just to be safe.
RATING : 9?
*AMERICAN STRAYS
An all “star” cast! Luke Perry! Eric Roberts! John Savage! Jennifer Tilly! Brion James!
Review of the first half of the movie:
At about five minutes into this cancerous ballet of stop signs I wanted to pull the plug. In all honesty though, it was not up to me when the plug got pulled on this one. I saw much more than I would have if I was inflicting it on myself5. (I watched this one with a friend who didn’t trust my all-powerful gifts of righteous and harsh snap judgement, the poor ignorant bastard. I bet he does now, though.)
Well, at least I got to see Puke Lerry suck down some maggoty-looking worms and get peed on, so it wasn’t a total waste. Actually I’m glad I saw those bits, because I haven’t been having enough fucking visceral nightmares lately.
Um.
That was a joke. I’ve had my fair share of completely evil nightmares where I would rather die than have to endure such pain for even one second longer, and continue to do so. Your very soul and psychic well-being are at risk when you watch movies like this. And I do it all too often. Maybe it’s a spirit of adventure thing. Maybe it’s a calculated-risk-taking thing. Maybe it’s just self-loathing. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s a selfless voyage into unknown dread to map out the farthest reaches of cinema evil and soul-sucking blackness. I honestly can’t say why I do this. But I do it. That much is fact. So learn from me, okay? Otherwise it is all for naught.
Anyway.
There were also lots of aimless characters making small talk.
the end
RATING of first half : 0
(Educated guess) RATING of second half : 0
THE ASTRO ZOMBIES
1969. Yeah! Review pending.
RATING : 8
*BATTLEFIELD EARTH
Granted, everyone in the world, even in those little African or South American tribes that generally know nothing about “white man’s” culture and talk by making lots of grunting and clicking noises, knows that this movie sucks. A lot. And, of course, it does suck, but. What many don’t realize is the mechanics behind its almost vacuumian level of suckiness.
Let me elaborate.
The thing with BATTLEFIELD EARTH is that it truly fails on absolutely EVERY level of film making. I bet even the gaffer and best-boy and production assistants were piss-poor in their responsibilities. People were probably tripping over cords all day long and bumping into equipment and never had the right notes and script pages, and, if they got coffee, it was cold and terrible. Maybe with a cigarette butt floating in it, or a hocker. The lighting was myopically atrocious. The direction was seemingly modeled after a sub-standard TV movie from Biafra. The editing was done using one of those old-fashioned push lawnmowers that only had one or two moving parts and required no gas or oil or electricity. The script was written by an unambitious third-grader used to things like Wedgies and Swirlies, based on a book who’s author named characters things like “Goodboy.” The cinematographer is someone, who in the lyrical sense of Tom Waits, is “blind in one eye and can’t see out the other.” Did EVERY shot need to be dutched?! The producer seems to be some lame-duck chump that must have just won the lottery and hasn’t thought of anything good or useful to do with newfound wealth (like prostitutes and drugs). The continuity was done by just whoever wanted to do it “on the day.” The actors must have had some really incriminating photos being held over their heads as incentive to actually show up on set and “do the deed” as it were, because why else would Forrest Whitacker swallow his pride and acting ability to be in such a maggot-infested carcass as this? Sure, John (BROKEN ARROW, FACE/OFF, SWORDFISH, DEVIL’S RAIN6, LUCKY NUMBERS, BORIS AND NATASHA: THE MOVIE, PERFECT, TWO OF A KIND, etc) Travolta7 WANTED to do it, so he deserves no parole or sympathy, but surely he was the exception.
Was everyone in this Damned Thing a scientologist? Is that why it sucked so much?
I fucking loved it!
This is exactly what these reviews are all about. It fails on every possible level imaginable. Great fun. Especially when you realize the alien attackers, from the planet Psychlo no less, are supposed to be giants. It doesn’t come across on screen but I bet in the original crayon-drafted screenplay it was obvious.
I loved it! Really. As funny as RAISING ARIZONA, albeit unintentionally.
RATING : 7+
*BROKEN ARROW
(a review written completely in real-time with no further edits [other than adding footnotes])
The [movie] starts with Vinnie Travolta8 and Christian Slater boxing. As one might expect, The Travolta is smarmy and condescending. And Christian Slater is Jack Nicholson. If you squint your mind real hard, that is.
Oh. These are two guys who are going to be flying planes in a noncombat situation while carrying two actual nukes. Because that’s believable. They sit in the cockpit, make annoying sound-things come out of their mouths and push lots and lots of buttons. And have a couple nukes on board. (Sorry, but it does bear repeating. If for no other reason than to tell you that Travolta and Slater are in command of two (2) thermonuclear weapons. Because, as I said, that’s believable.)
Cut to some typical action-movie crap where two characters we haven’t seen before, in a location they don’t tell us, get killed by a bad-guy fake park ranger. Actually, we only see one of the two unknown characters. Still, through the miracle of film-making, we know that TWO unknown characters actually died. Brilliant! The magic of cinema!
Then Jack Slater and Vinnie act cocky and pretentious and annoying for a long time (not even counting their off-screen lives). At the 00:14:14 mark I decide that it’s time to go to the bathr- no wait. Okay. Big action sequence where they fight on the plane and Travolta shows his true colors9, and bombs are dropped, faces are punched, fingers are pointed, and both leading actors end up ejected. Then the “higher-ups” concoct a cover story for the plane crash and- oh. Frank Whaley is in this movie. Darn it. I like him. Then the nukes are stolen (obviously by Travolta) and there is an annoying titular. And with a plane. And I don’t care how good the special effects I might miss are, I’m going to let some of this rum and cola join the earth now. (At 00:25:27)
No, wait. It looks like something stupid is going to happen so I actually hit pause.
There goes the real time aspect. I’m sorry. I had every intention on following through the real-time movie review.
Since I’m paused I’ll also use the time to microwave some popcorn. After all, this is a [movie], not a film. Big difference. I’ll also mix myself another rum and cola. After I go “number one” that is.
And I’m back. And after I hit a button, so is the movie unfortunately.
Christian Slater then fights a “lady” and does it poorly. Right after the fight, they make sex-eyes at each other. God. Damn. It. Stupid.
Then, immediately after that, SWAT-looking Army shit happens. Did I mention that this is a John Woo movie? Hell, you look pretty savvy, you already knew that.
Damn! More Travolta. (High Travoltage, you know.
This semi-real-time review thing just ain’t gonna happen. It’s just too fucking stupid of a movie and I don’t want to risk missing whatever bit is going to be the stupidest. Rest assured, it is at least as stupid as any other action movie. Even another American John Woo movie, like FACE/OFF. WHOA! Well, maybe not that one, but you get the point. (Not to say that FACE/OFF isn’t the exact opposite of “bee’s-knees” when it comes to criminally stupid movies inflicted on movie patrons just looking for entertainment. FACE/OFF is stupid enough to offend the most Downs-Syndrome-suffering antisocial schizophrenic closet-case agoraphobic serial killer gerbil-butt-lover that ever “lived10.” To be sure, it hurts more than prolonged exposure to Plutonium 235.)
Now that I really think about it, FACE/OFF is actually a LOT worse than this one. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THIS MOVIE IS NOT VERY TERRIBLE!
LONG PAUSE
Okay, I’m back. Just for a moment. I keep finding things to do like standing in my kitchen contemplating doing my dishes. Or just seeing how high I can spit up a hocker, into the air above me, and catch it in my mouth. Or how many pins I can stick into my testicles before I pass out.
Oh man, Travolta chews more scenery than Streisand. (Maybe. Since I’m not eunuch or retarded enough to survive a full frontal attack by one of her movies I only have her face and singing and trailers and TV appearances to go on, which, I feel assured, is MORE THAN ENOUGH.)
It’s great that Slater keeps calling the female lead (I forgot her name, but it’ll be in the PS) “lady.” They will end up in bed, right? That’s the plan, right? I mean, why else is a chick in a John Woo movie, right? Either a vagina or a victim, right?
Man, this movie is dumber than a box of Scientologists.
ANOTHER LONG PAUSE
Let’s just say there was a nuke countdown sequence with “lady” and Slater trapped below ground with a nuke and no possible chance of escape, and... they escape.
Damn. If “lady” would just take her top off and show us her tits for one continuous shot that ate up all of acts two and three, the movie would be better. And more plausible. And more- well- I know this sounds terrible and possibly misogynistic, but her boobs in a static shot for sixty minutes would be a much better use of the money spent on the actors, film, processing, post-production, etc. Sure, just staring at boobs for a long time, especially if they weren’t even jiggling, seems like a waste of celluloid11. But consider this: Travolta, Slater, the props, the locations, the lights, the microphones, the DP, the editor, the AD, the caterer, the director, etc, adds up to a lot of money for a completely shitty project. If it was just some titties on the screen (an even number preferably), the production could have saved millions of dollars and still have been just as stupid. And there would be a couple of boobs! That weren’t Christian Slater and John Travolta. [Clown horn noise]
LONG PAUSE
To call this movie retarded is to do grievous injustice to mentally-handicapped people everywhere, as is usually the case. Let’s just say the movie is believability-impaired. My dog could write a better movie and I don’t have one! Damn, it’s stupid. JILMJOLMFUCK! Stupider and even more unbelievable than things like THE HOT CHICK and ROAD HOUSE that still follow an interior logic. This movie is supposed to be set in “the real world” whereas movies like CORKY ROMANO (as fucking terrible as it is) are obviously set in their own goofy-ass unreliable universe. This one’s supposed to be believable.
Lousy x Shabby x Crappy = BROKEN ARROW.
DEEP BREATH
John Woo sucks. There, I said it. I don’t care how much some of his gun-battles look like ballet, or how much his bloody squibs in super slow motion look like a cross between flowers and sprinklers. I AM NOT A FAN. Especially his crappy-ass lame-shit Hollywood projects.
(Holding up one-handed thumb-to-index-finger ‘okay’ sign) “IT STINKS!”
PS- I won’t try to do a real-time review again. I have learned my lesson. And “lady” was Samantha Mathis. Sorry, Samantha. Huey Long was also in this herpe, but it/he was no more annoying in this than any of its/his other movies (like that’s positive feedback). Confession: I gave up reviewing this blister with about twenty-three minutes left. And you know what? It didn’t matter. I still watched it, of course, but it seemed merely academic for me to finish it, not a work of fun or joy. More like a bad job on a Monday morning.
PS- Again- Okay, “lady” (the lovely and talented Samantha) and Slater are only going to do it off-screen after the movie, but I’m pretty sure everyone agrees with me on this point. They will do the dick-pussy-love-shit12 13. Additionally, the ending was possibly a bit more over-the-top than I thought it was going to be. (Sure, I still kept watching even though I stopped “reviewing.” This crap was “better” than MASTER OF DISGUISE.)
PS- Yet again- I’m not anti-violence. Just anti-stupid-violence. I’m no prude. Woo, no matter what his arguments are about violence working for story, just tries to make it look cool and romantic. That seems not just stupid, but if not irresponsible (like I said, I’m no prude) then just gratuitous. I can thoroughly enjoy movies like MAN BITES DOG and NATURAL BORN KILLERS and RED DAWN (so bad it’s good)14.
PS- Again again- When it comes to real-life violence, I can honestly say that the attacks of 9/11 were no surprise to me whatsoever15. I completely understand the motivations of real-life terrorists. I’ve read and heard enough about our government, the CIA, FEMA, the FBI, etc, and our elected (or not) presidents to understand why the U.S. is called The Great Satan. BUT, that does not mean I condone their actions. I feel many of their same frustrations on a daily basis. Me, I probably wouldn’t (won’t) resort to actual terrorism and taking innocent lives, but I feel that there are many in power (all over the world, USA included) that should probably be dead (or at the very least not in power [or in W’s case, not in control of anything more dangerous than a smallish bag of soft candy. Shit, I don’t even think that fucking imbecile should be allowed to use a vacuum cleaner, or anything that needs to be plugged in or use batteries, much less drive a car
PS- Final- This DVD has an option from the Main Menu called Extra Features. When you go to this page there is ONE extra feature. The trailer. How the fuck do scummy fuckchimps like these get off calling the theatrical trailer Extra FeatureS?! Shit, man, this whole package is a bughunt! Game over, man! Game over!
RATING : -39
*C.H.O.M.P.S.
From 1979 and starring TV’s Valerie Bertinelli and that “dad” fellow from TV’s Diff’rent Strokes18!
“C.H.O.M.P.S. stands for Canine HOMe Protection System- and it really works. Almost.”
That was taken from the back of the box at the video store. So shouldn’t it actually be called C.Hom.P.S. instead? The periods after the H and the O imply that they are separate abbreviated words, and that’s just plain lying. I know you probably think I’m being picky here people, but the point is that even the title of this movie does not hold up to even one moment of scrutiny or thought. That’s all I’m saying. C.Hom.P.S. really B.Ite.S.! (I just made that up! Take that Mr. Ebert! I’m in the big leagues now!)
Sorry.
C.Hom.P.S. (c’mon, deal with it, they’re fucking liars) is a movie that hates empty cardboard boxes, I notice. It must have killed 150 of the poor buggers. I have not seen boxicide on this level since the “film” FUTURE WAR19. Of course, FUTURE WAR killed about ten times as many of those poor little carry-alls, but rarely do you see hateful boxism on these levels.) Plus it seems to be a few hours long. About six, I’d say, after a bit of thought.
The Spooky Dark Lord Satan has an unexpected and unnecessary (maybe even unpaid?) presence in the film, disguised as a big ole’ stupid black dog giving occasional bad voice-over20. No, really, there is no discernable reason for this dog (God spelled backwards, you see) to be in the movie, unless it was for the stirring final words of the movie: “Oh, shit!” Maybe they used Satan so that when parents complain about the bad “s” word21 in what otherwise seems like a typical crappy Disneyesque moving picture, they could blame Him. Granted, the movie did use the “s” word again, earlier in the movie, but in a more casual way, in a longer sentence explaining that C.Hom.P.S. (the Canine HOMe Protection System, not the movie), among other things, “doesn’t shit.”22
Yeah, I know. The PG of the Seventies (JAWS, for example) certainly isn’t the same PG as ours here in the future. That’s for sure. Try using the “s” word and killing off kids like they used to and see what happens.
That big clumsy looking “-13” at the end of your PG. That’s what.
Even with cursing and Satan this was indeed a bad movie, but not as bad as most of these bloodfarts.
RATING : 2?
*COOL AS ICE
Okay, I guess we’re supposed to like Vanilla Ice because he really58 wants to sex up this cute girl who is way58 too good for him. (That’s a really and a way each to the fifty-eighth power.)
Just so you know, I’d trade off a two-week paycheck just to iron that smarmy smirk off his face. If necessary, I’d also be willing to belt-sand all that stupid shit off his “haircut.”
For all of us. I’m selfless that way.
That said, I love this movie. It is almost perfect in its badness. This one ranks up there with the big dogs. It helps that the movie and Vi himself seem to be created solely for young boys. Trust me on this. There is a boy in this movie and indeed he thinks “Vanilla” is awesome.
Personally, I think ‘Nilla has a subtle case of Down’s Syndrome. Just enough to be legally recognized. It would explain his appearance, his difficulty communicating in what I can only assume is his native language, and the warning “down by law” written on the back of his jacket23. What about the supporting players you may ask. Well, Michael Gross ‘Morse Codes’ in an adjective performance. This time playing a dad. Just like last time! And with no “Graboids” in sight, no less. It’s insane this guy’s range. Watch out De Niro24!
Not enough can EVER be said for Kristin Minter, the poor actress that Vanna wants to make sex on. She deserves a whole huge stadium full of gold awards for not crying and vomiting and spewing clumps of solid revulsion from her eyes during every single second of the shoot. (Hey Meryl Streep, take a page out of Miss Minter’s book, because she was able to act with, and even kiss, Mr. Ice, and still not puke blood and guts from her mouth and nose in a never-ending gushing swell of grue and filth. Do you really think you could do that? I sure as fuck couldn’t.)
Kudos, ma’am.
I am forever in love with Kristin because she is obviously the strongest woman in the world. And damn cute at that! Let’s just say I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for driving an SUV. (Uh, sorry about that, Kristin. I really do respect you.)
THIS MOVIE IS A TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT AND-
-one of my top ten favorite badfilms ever. A treat for trawlers of culture. Bottom-feeding at its most gourmet sensibility. Sincerely. This movie is as good as ground-scoring an eighth of sumthin-sumthin and a fifty dollar bill on the morning of a day off work.
Yes, that is a Bold Statement.
The goofy kid that thinks ‘Nilla is cool even ducked out of the way for the camera as it dollied in at one point! Can’t beat that.
Remember, THERE’S ALWAYS VANILLA.
“Brilliant!”
RATING : a perfect 10
*COP & ½
First off: two points:
1- This movie is like getting sunburn on your frontal lobe.
2- I really don’t like Burt Reynolds.
Burt plays kind of an asshole scumbag so it doesn’t really seem like much of a stretch. More specifically, the “Burt Reynolds” character is an evil cop bastard this time. (He often plays an evil outlaw bastard, so you know he’s got real range as a performer.) Another thing to consider here at the “front” of the “review” is that the main badguy villain antagonist thingie makes his entrance singing “The Pretender” really loud and shabby to boot. So there’s that.
Isn’t it funny that when you see Burt on screen you want to kill him? You just want to smash his face into pudding with a large cow. Apologies to any animal rights people out there, but surely even you understand what I’m saying here. Can you ALF people and vegans tell me, honestly, that you don’t want to pick up a cow and just bludgeon Burt’s head over and over and over until it resembles some hitherto unknown rain forest squidgy-mossy-kind-of-substance? Can you? No, of course you can’t. I love animals too, but there’s just something about Burt on screen. . . Isn’t that weird? I hope it’s not like that for him in “real” life.
Kinda.
I might be letting you in on too much of my character here, but I would really like to take this movie to a secluded location, and put a bullet in the back of its nasty little head, execution style.
At one point this “Burt” character25 says, “God hates me” and it’s my favorite scene ever in any movie ever26. Unless. . . Does Barbra Streisand die or preferably get killed in any of her movies? I doubt it, but that would be magnificent. A close second could be Halle Berry saying “Dying was the best thing that ever happened to me,” in that godawful CATWOMAN trailer. (Yes, trailer. Do you really think I watched that fucking bright red bulbous diseased nutsack of a movie?! Even I have to draw the line somewhere. So, no, of course I didn’t see it and will not see it unless an extremely promising date with Earth’s hottest “babe”27 depends on it. Maybe.)
The most disturbing thing in this movie is a SUPERCREEPY undercurrent of possible pedophilia. I’m sorry but it’s not my fault. There is a bathroom scene with “Burt” and the little boy peeing together, side-by-side and the little boy talking about doing “swords”. (The scene ends with “Burt” getting peed on, at least.) Plus a couple other moments, like the “falling on each other, rolling into near lip-lock” scene that is, um, usually done with a man and woman, not a “Burt” and a little boy, or the scene with the little kid lying on “Burt” with new cowboy boots just like “Burt’s” “shit-kickers” in the back of a pickup truck, while a love song kicks up for the end credits. And there wasn’t anything else that seemed like a boy-meets-girl subplot or anything else warranting a love-song-scenario. A touching movie of “Burt”-meets-boy? Bad Touch, folks.
A huge shiver the size of Asia ran down my spine and still sits there, as a constant reminder of the Pure Evil that director Henry Winkler (surely the Fonz wouldn’t do this to us?) has unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. Although this movie is often found in the Family or Children’s section of video stores, it should not be viewed by anyone under 21, for I’ve found that it is impossible to watch without drinking whiskey.
A LOT OF WHISKEY28.
Scarier than THE EXORCIST multiplied by SUSPIRIA plus THE SHINING! More evil than ROSEMARY’S BABY and THE DEVIL’S REJECTS and the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.
If ever there was a movie that should be treated as a liberal-minded person’s foetus, and aborted, surely this nightmare of cinema should place in the top ten.
RATING : -32
OR
negative several million for the NAMBLA-factor
*CORKY ROMANO
Okay, right off the bat I know a lot of religious people may have problems with this review. That’s a granted. Still, I must go on with it because I feel I am being True29.
A lot of people bandy about the phrase “Kataan is the [Antichrist / Devil / Spooky Death Monkey Boy]” like it was going to cost ‘em soon to say it. That’s all well and good, but I think it actually misses the point. And I don’t think it’s an accident. I think that’s exactly what this movie wants us to think. The more time we spend worrying about a possible Antichrist (or even Spooky Death Monkey Boy), the less time we spend studying the facts. And unless I’m grossly mistaken, the Truth is much more hideous. I think I can now reveal what I believe to be a previously hidden or obscured Truth.
The Truth is that Kataan is NOT the Antichrist, but is in fact. . .
THE FINAL SUBTRACTER!
A malevolent force of Grantmorrisonian proportions destroying all of creation, invention, creativity, joy, abstract wonder, unselfish laughter, harmonious celebration, ceremonious exploration, and basic language in its path and converting it to unsympathetic apathy, generic expansion, malicious redundancy, scornful and insincere “generosity,” dysfunctional disruptive samaritanism and an all-pervasive shabbiness.
Time and clinical objectivity will prove me right. Of course, it will probably be the end of our existence, and the heralding of the Everfolding Black Age that will finally convince you. Of course of course, it will be too late then, of course. And you think I’m trying to be funny, or worse, clever, but you will see. Mark my words. You will rue the day!
I actually laughed at the bit where a cocaine-gorged SUBTRACTER tried to give a speech to a class of children.
“But you laughed,” I hear you say. Like you caught me in some lie or logistic / semantic entanglement. And while it is the truth, I did laugh, it does not disprove a thing. No, my friends, it does not mean I am wrong, it just means I am another Victim. I am now eternally damned to a fabricated existence, and will be shuffled off to even blacker pastures when my mortal coil unwinds.
I think.
I could be wrong, but it makes sense to me.
And to prove I’m a good sport, I’ll wish you happy dreams. For I shall not partake of them myself tonight, and maybe never again.
RATING : -41
CREMASTER 1 & 2
Ssssssssssssllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww............
Too boring and pretentious even for me. (And I usually dig shit like that...) (Or was it 3 & 4? Does it matter? Does “something” “happen” in one of the later ones30?) Fuck.
RATING : 0
*CUTTHROAT ISLAND
Oooooooookay. Where to start this baby? How about from when I pressed play...
First off, a Macrovision copy-guard warning. No, really. They think we’d want to copy this. Isn’t that just the pinnacle of optimism? Like putting warnings on old AMC Pacers (the fishbowl car, as it is more widely known) to not illegally copy and sell them. Or the Ford Pinto (the other fishbowl car). So, so unnecessary as to actually be hilarious.
Anyway.
Next, they tell us to stay tuned for an “exciting opportunity” to buy CUTTHROAT ISLAND merchandise. Because they thought it’d be fun to lose even more money by printing up T-Shirts and other shit that nobody would take even for free and trying to charge for it, I guess.
Funny. In the same way someone asks, “does this milk smell funny to you31?” Yes. It does.
That’s followed by one of those amalgam trailers for like 60 zillion movies at once, instead of just one. The kind of “trailer” that tells you your movie collection is not complete unless you buy every single movie that particular studio ever made. Unless, at a cost of just over eight million dollars, you buy everything we’ve ever done, your collection is merely poseur, you big fakey pretender wannabe! They are greedy scummy chumbucket turds and should be ignored. At least in this case. (I can kid the studio because, in fact, I DO own all of their movies. Unless you count the ones I don’t own. Which would be really petty and spiteful of you to do. Don’t be like that. It’s really unbecoming. Just smile, nod, and agree with me, please.)
No real trailers, just those immoral commercials.
BUT THEN!
The movie starts in a wonderful 2.35:1 aspect ratio, which is my favorite aspect ratio, and then jumps to full-frame after the director’s credit. Something that usually pisses me off to no end.
We must count ourselves lucky to see Geena Davis doing completely dumbass unbelievable hogswallop before Renny Harlin’s director credit. In other words, the integrity of the director’s “vision” was uncompromised for these ridiculous scenes. Or, in even other words, I thankfully missed some of this movie due to the cropping for home viewing. In even more basic terms, since I’m only seeing a 1.33:1 aspect ratio of a 2.35:1 aspect ratio movie, I can honestly say I haven’t seen all of this movie. (I’ve missed a whole 1.02:1 of this fucker if that’s what 2.35:1 - 1.33:1 equals.) A small thing, but it could help someone judge my character a little better, later, if I’m ever asked about this movie. You know, in case a future job hinges on if I have or haven’t seen this movie, which, you know, in the future, might be proven to retard and exponentially diminish learning and problem-solving capabilities if viewed in its entirety.
(Hey, I’m looking for a bright side here, okay?)
Speaking of sides, boy oh boy is this the completely WRONG movie for a “Geena Davis.” I can dig nepotism, sure. I’d like to give my family and friends a job, but not at the expense of my reputation or career. Just because she’s your wife doesn’t make her an action star, Renny. Really. Don’t gamble your livelihood on misplaced trust.
Sorry Renny, I liked NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4. (Look, I like almost all horror movies, and love all zombie movies. Even the ones that completely suck.)
Sorry Geena, I liked BEETLEJUICE and ACCIDENTAL TOURIST and THE FLY32. A lot. Those are kick-ass movies. This is a stinks-of-ass movie.
Geena, was the monkey on your back a metaphor for your relationship with the movie or Renny or something? Or was it really just a stupid parrot/pirate kinda thing?
There were a few parts with heavy static and distortion which I can only assume were the most popular points to “abandon ship” as it were, where loads of people hit the stop and rewind buttons.
Oh yeah, Matthew Modine was in it too. He was good in BIRDY.
Don’t watch this movie (like I need to tell you; this movie made over one hundred and fifty dollars during its theatrical run), watch any other movie listed in this review instead.
Seriously. Even NIGHTMARE 4.
RATING : -29
DELLAMORÉ DELLAMORTÉ
(Also known to us Americaner heathens as CEMETERY MAN, but as they say, a rose by any other name...)
This is forever a classic among the genre, begat by a strange Italian comic called (at least here in the spooky ole’ U S of A) Dylan Dog. As stylish and over-the-top as the best of the Italian zombie pictures, but in a refreshingly new way.
Over and over.
Brilliant.
If you like horror movies, or especially zombie movies, and haven’t seen this one, you should seek this movie out as Dillinger sought out the Woman in Red. Seek because it is inevitable.
A TOP TEN zombie movie.
RATING : 10
DESPERATE MEASURES
The VHS copy I viewed had two different Jennifer Love Hewitt movie trailers before the movie in a row. That’s a really fucking bad omen. Mucousy auspicion? You’re soaking in it!
Then, the movie.
Andy Garcia.
Damn.
Has he ever been in anything good? Personally, I didn’t think THE UNTOUCHABLES was quite the whoopy-do-da that many others felt it was. And rumor has it that he was in THE GODFATHER PART III. Yeah, right. A third GODFATHER movie?! No amount of evidence will ever convince me that the movie in question actually exists. I lived all through the Seventies and there were only two! So take your ball and bat and just go home! Big stupid LIAR!
And Michael Fucking Keaton? This damn movie expects us to believe Mr. Mom has an IQ over 150 and is a psycho killer. Okay, I can believe the psycho part, but Mensa level? Yeah, and Jennifer Love Hewitt is an amazing actress. Come on now, the suspension of disbelief thing only goes so far, okay?!
This is also a movie that relied heavily on ADR fudging to salvage continuity errors and plot holes. Sure, many movies do, but they’re not supposed to be obvious and funny like they are here. “Grab my gun!” Ha ha, I don’t think so. (If you actually watch this movie, even given my review here, you will know that that bit of ADR is as funny as any joke in ANNIE HALL. Yeah, it really is that funny.)
Here’s a quote for the 9-disc DVD special edition cover: “Expecting this movie to entertain is resorting to truly desperate measures!”
Yes! Nailed it in one!
RATING : -19
DICKIE ROBERTS
Um.
It was almost neat seeing all the cameos, but by the ending and that grating song about these hasbeens, all nostalgia is lost and tainted and turned. . . and...
damn it... it’s...
Um.
It’s got one of those, um...
It’s wacky...
And...
damn this movie
damn it to hell
RATING : -33
DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE
(Pronounced DUH-mess-tick DUH-stir-bents)
Okay, first things first.
If you really feel you have to have sex with an animal, please use an armadillo or lobster or jellyfish, or some other freaky alien science-fictiony looking critter33. Please stay away from the cutesy bits like gerbils and kitties and duckies. Okay? Please? It will be better for all of us in the long run.
That said, now I’ll press play and watch this movie.
(long pause)
Okay, another thing I should mention before I’m too far into this one: To me Vince Vaughn looks like the Chestburster that showed John Hurt the meaning of haste in ALIEN. So, in my mind, I’m watching a movie with a Chestburster and Vinnie the Sweathog, and that’s not good.
(long pause)
Another aside: This is a great film movie to study if you want to be an actor, ie: you can really learn a lot by studying two bad, hammy actors trying to outact each other. It’s illuminating seeing how hard they try. It’s like back-engineering flying saucer technology as film school.
(long pause)
Damn I wish this movie was shot in a 1:1 aspect ratio, so as not to inadvertently taint any other aspect ratio.
(long pause)
Man, that one guy sure looked a lot like Steve Buscemi.
(long pause)
Maybe they are good actors, because I really believe Travolta and Vaughn are thoroughly unpleasant people! heehee
(end credits)
The credits, which should have made me immeasurably happier than I was (heralding the end of the movie and all) just added immensely to my depression. Did it really take 7,593 people to churn out (crank out? I’m not sure of the nomenclature here) this bile-ridden “product?” That makes me really sad...
(afterthoughts)
Okay, all the bits labeled “12" were RED, all the bits marked “24" were ALMOND, the 9s were GREEN, the 17s were BLACK, etc. I just fear that maybe they had the wrong color-key for this Paint-By-Numbers project. Sure it’s crappy and formulaic, but wasn’t there the tiniest bit of room for inspiration or originality? Other than using the wrong colors, I mean.
RATING : -18
DOUBLE TEAM
High expectations after seeing the other Tsui Hark / Van Damme team-up, KNOCK OFF (reviewed later), a new “semi-classic” of badfilm.
Press play. Watch watch watch...
DAMN.
A fairly standard action movie.
Even easy to follow this time.
All of the ununderstandableness34 and wondrous editing mishaps of KNOCK OFF are almost completely absent here.
Almost. This movie does contain possibly the stupidest thing ever. When jumping out of an airplane, Van Damme and Dennis Rodman (yes, folks, these are our “heroes”) use something “better than parachutes.” It’s a Thingy that envelops you in a great big kickball. Somehow, that makes them land in a roll on the ground at a speed of about eight miles per hour35. If that makes no sense to you, it’s because it can’t. It’s not your fault. It makes the success of boybands seem totally logical.
As great as the kickball scene is, its greatness is somewhat diminished by a huge product placement climax that positively reeks of a kickback stench. Still, the bouncy ball stunt was amazing in the degree of disbelief necessary. We’re talking as much make-up as Eddie Murphy wore in THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN (which rates in the MFW [Mega-French-Whore] range), that’s how much disbelief you need. Multigoogoltons. Numbers that cannot be plotted or mathematically represented, for they are simply too big for mere humans.
No review of DOUBLE TEAM would be complete without at least a mention of Dennis Rodman’s performance. Let’s just say he was outgunned by even Van Damme’s acting chops as that’s as close to a real actor as we get from this movie. Van Damme is the best actor in a movie?! Is the apocalypse happening now or what?!
Is this what movies would be like during an actor’s strike?
A chilling thought about a possible future...
Brrrr.....
RATING : a 1 with piss on it
ELF
Well, I’ve seen worse. Much worse. And I did laugh out loud a couple times. (“What’s your favorite color?” Is that what he said? Some dumb-ass hilarious thing like that.) Still, I could say that about most comedies. I don’t really have a strong opinion about this one. It could have been much better and it could have been much worse. Pretty middle-of-the-road movie-making.
I do have to comment on the Infinifilm DVD crap though. Just getting to the extras and featurettes and stuff almost required a (not included) Rosetta Stone. Wow! Look how many menus there are! I feel-
Yeah, whatever. The features could have easily fit on a Special Features menu but they thought it would be easier to create and navigate through a whole Orpheus-Style Underworld just to get to the commentaries. Because they don’t respect us. Does nearly every feature require its own menu? I don’t think so. It is easier to navigate through the discs of any of the three LORD OF THE RINGS extended version four DVD sets. How about the movies directed by David Fincher which have four commentaries and loads of extras? Easier. When I want a petty Rubik’s Disc, I’ll ask for it by name, okay? Sure, I like Easter Eggs, but don’t labor under the pretense that more is more if it really isn’t. ELF is no SEVEN (or SE7EN) Special Edition. So don’t treat it as such. And c’mon, make the Easter Eggs better. The DVD for INCIDENT AT LOCH NESS has actual full-length commentaries as Eggs. Two of them! And about 5 zillion other eggs. Try THAT on for size Infinifilm Infiniphonies!
AND! What exactly is the criteria involved to become an Infinifilm Edition? Is being released by your studio all that is required? If so, it makes me more enamored of the Criterion Collection. And that’s not hard to do.
If you want to be a connoisseur or just a fancy-pants, stick with Criterion. They won’t steer you wrong 99% of the time36.
Okay.
RATING : an angry 1.937
*FAIR GAME
WHOA! Did I see this movie right? Was it really that bad? I mean good? I mean-
This movie is an enigma wrapped in a fortune cookie tucked inside a single-serving aspirin packet. In other words, this movie rocks the cock37! Even though it seems to only exist in a full frame edition.
Stephen “Stinky” Baldwin (as a cop) and Cindy “Model” Crawfish (as a lawyer) in a movie?! Together?! As the stars?! Fucking brilliant! Sure, Crawford only has four expressions, but Poopy only has three. His are Psycho, Smug and Blank. Hers are Vogueing, Blank, Lost, and Trying To Not Laugh. And if I thought she didn’t look mostly pre-fab, I might be excited by seeing her boobies, but she does, and I’m not38. (Hey, I’m sorry, but her “cute” mole looks more like a cancerous cyst than anything else to me.)
Now, let’s talk about computers. The things the “Russian Connection” did in this movie with a 1994 laptop are so ridiculously unbelievable and impossible that it only adds to the enjoyment. If the stupid shit they did in this movie was anywhere near possible, even I would have taken over the world by now. And I don’t even want to. But if it’s that easy, you’d be a fool not to!
“Clever bastard!”
I fucking doubt it.
Plus Poopy does his darndest to be an action hero, guns and all. Even jumping into the water on his side in slow motion and squeezing out a few shots with deadly accuracy before he hits the water. The ULTIMATE ACTION POSE! Goin’ down guns blazing! Need I mention he had his Psycho face on for this shot? I think not. (The look is somewhere between shitting out extremely hot Mexican food from the night before as diarrhea on a hungover Monday morning before work at the fiberglass factory and having all your nose-hairs plucked out at once. Extreme grimace with goofy eyes! GRRRRRR!)
Oh yeah, Salma Hayek plays his cardboard-cut-out stereotype bitch ex-girlfriend who breaks the law and endangers the lives of others (in front of the entire police force) but is just laughed off instead of being thrown into the pokey for life. Because the screenwriter is “smart-challenged”, I reckon.
This movie sucks so bad it is worth laughing through a couple viewings. I did.
As an aside, I should mention that this movie was based on a (presumably bad) novel of the same name from 1978, which was previously filmed as COBRA in 1986 with Stallone and his golem Brigitte Nielsen. That version was not bad enough to be good like this one, as far as I remember.
Hmm, note to self: watch COBRA again.
Funny, I don’t remember Cindy starring in anything after this...
RATING : 7?
*FIRST KID
“Starring” TV’s Sinbad. (Sin. Bad. Since we all know he’s the devil, I’ll avoid any lengthy discourse on the nature of evil in this review.) As much as I’m not a fan of Sinbad by ANY stretch of ANYONE’S imagination, I must say this movie is not even half as bad as I was expecting. Don’t get me wrong here, it sucks VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY hard, but I was expecting it to suck VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY hard. See what I mean? Not even half! A positively gushing review! That should have been on the teaser poster!
This movie is like being trapped in an elevator with a fart you cannot smell. That may seem like a strange analogy, but think about it for a second. You heard the fart. You know it’s an elevator. Yet, no closure. You know you’re missing something, and it’s a bit unsettling even though you didn’t actually WANT to smell the fart. Unsettling all the same. Why? Because this movie is perfectly and exactly what you think it is if you’ve seen the trailer or read the box at the video store. Exactly. You know this movie. No surprises, no closure, no anything.
Not quite bad enough to be offensive, and certainly not bad enough to be good. Save yourself the 101 minutes and three or four dollars this movie would have cost you to rent and just say to whomever you would have watched it with, “Damn, this movie sucks.”
Same results. Plus, with the four bucks you just saved, you and your friend can each buy a cheap-ass malt liquor 40 ouncer and get just as goofy and unfulfilling as this movie. A bad, cheap drunk is still better than a bad Sinbad movie, so you actually come out ahead in the long run.
(Addendum)
Right when the end titles began to roll I hit stop. Even though it looked like I’d be missing more footage. AND! My VCR was tuned into TCM, as it almost always is, and it was the scene in SHADOW OF A DOUBT where Joseph Cotten says, “When the world’s a Hell, what does it matter what happens in it?”
Ah, yes.
As good a review of FIRST KID as any, and a lot more succinct than mine.
RATING : 0, no blood pressure, room temperature. This should qualify as a zombie movie. Not a movie about zombies, but the pictures themselves seem to move and interact with each other even though there is obviously absolutely no life. A “true” Zombie Movie. Absolutely no pulse.
*GLITTER
Someone puking into your mouth.
RATING : -183 (This is the one to beat, folks, the worst movie ever39)
*THE HOT CHICK
(Short review)
...so you don’t have to.
(Long review)
Apparently, an Egyptian curse is somehow to blame for all this crap, which, frankly, is a huge blight on any country’s résumé. Damn, Egypt, get on the ball, man! With all those cool gods you guys have, like hawk-headed mofos and shit, couldn’t one of them stopped whatever whack curse this was, knowing, as gods are wont to do, that it would result in this mighty hot diarrhea shower that is THE HOT CHICK?! Couldn’t Anubis just have stepped (floated or whatever they do) up (over?) to Ra and said
@#$(%*&#($(^%$#
Rob Schneider
#)*)%(*$@#($&%^($#&
(roughly translated: you know, this thing eventually mutating into a copraphaging Rob Schneider vehicle might be too high a psychic price on all living creatures.)
That would have been nice, but no. We’re stuck with this shit.
Okay, pick one:
A) God hates us.
B) There is no God.
C) He has abandoned or forgotten us.
D) God is dead.
E) He doesn’t care.
Choose wisely as you’ll have to live with the idea for the rest of your life after viewing THE HOT CHICK. Especially if you watch the whole thing in one high-endurance viewing session like I did. The more you watch at once, the deeper your imprint vulnerability to pure psychological terror. I have not smiled once since that fateful day I gambled with my psychological and spiritual well-being and watched it. All of it. In real time. This was over a week ago now and I have gained a plethora of wrinkles, blotches, zits and nervous ticks and other facial distortions since.
I was braver back then, back before I watched it. It seemed people were happier, the girls prettier, nature more wondrous.
Now it all just seems spiteful, ugly and predatory.
The only thing that could have made the abduction experience (that’s how it felt) even more terrible would be the presence of Chris Kataan. As Corky Romano. Naked. Having harcore explicit unprotected anal sex with Charles Bronson’s corpse40. This movie is really that bad. Really.
I do feel compelled and somewhat flabbergasted to mention that “technically” the movie is really not that bad; ie: lighting, editing, foley, etc. The movie is pretty competently assembled. Which proves the adage that it’s just as hard to make a bad movie as it is to make a good one. But why the fuck would you want to?!
Plus, if you like sarcasm, you’ll love this next sentence!
Luckily, there’s a cameo by Adam Sandler playing a stinky hippie bastard.
See? Wasn’t that fun?
On the upside though, this seems like the perfect flick for procrastinating suicidals. You know, to help motivate them. It’d probably also be good for some people in the Goth crowd that enjoy depression, gloom, and other forces of oppression.
On the down-side, I’m pretty sure that the pillow fight sequence has rendered me impotent and infertile. So, even with Viagra, I can never have children of my own.
Just kidding.
It was probably the nightmarish dance-club scene that killed any chance of fatherhood.
Still, it’s probably a little better than being electrocuted to death while peeing into an electric fan.
Probably.
A little.
There is so much more I’d like to tell you about this episode, and it’s going to be a long battle to recover from it (what with all the physical therapy, psychiatric care and corrective surgery), but I am in too much pain to write any longer right now. Besides, all the blood dripping into my eyes (was my brain actually trying to jump out of my head? Is that where all this blood came from?) makes it difficult to see clearly.
Shit.
RATING : -81 and two sighs
INTOLERABLE CRUELTY
(The bits I saw sat on my head and farted.)
Low rating pending, and that sucks for two reasons. Because I’ll have to try to watch it again, and because the Coens used to rule.
*JURY DUTY
Trailers for MONEY TRAIN (reviewed later), TWIN SITTERS with the Barbarian brothers (which looks like pure gold and a possible 10, and I will watch and review it whenever I can find the damn thing in a video store), and John Sayle’s THE SECRET OF ROAN INNISH, because if you like JURY DUTY, you’ll love THE SECRET OF ROAN INNISH! Right?! RIGHT!?
Huh? What the fuck?! Was there really a trailer for that?! Who the Hell decided that a trailer for-
Logos!
And off we go.
The movie starts with Pauly Shore stripping, which is as bad as...
As bad as...
Um, as bad as...
HOLY FUCK!
I think I’ve just seen the worst thing in the world!
That ain’t right, man!
This movie is exactly as funny as crib death. Pauly Shore was funny for a few months, back before he was on TV or in movies or in comedy clubs. I hope. (We’ll never know for certain. Who can you trust in a situation like this? His friends? His family? No, I say. No. We will never know. It was probably your run-of-the-mill pact with Satan situation. It happens all the time. Look at the careers of Pia Zadora and Patrick Swayze and Denise Richards41 if you think this Satanic-dealing-business is a fluke.)
Incidentally, seeing the St. Pauly Boy in drag (which actually happens on screen, not just as an anecdote!) is one of those things that you never make any contingency or emergency plans for, because, well, it just seems like it could never happen to you42. It seems preposterous that you’d ever be in a situation where things could go that wrong. Yet, it happened to everyone who viewed this minor bubonic. Once it’s happened, no amount of therapy (not even a Reichian/Adlerian hybrid) can ever fix you. Maybe it’s time to start a class action suit?
I won’t even write about the movie’s attempts at trying to get us to feel sympathy for Pauly, because you wouldn’t believe me. I, personally, saw the crap and don’t believe it.
This movie wants to vomit on the graves of all beings born of love or peace or compassion. I hate this movie and everyone connected to it in any way. Forever. No chance of parole.
Go piss up a rope you swine.
Everyone else should just avoid this movie because it will take forty years off your life. And not just at the end when you’re drooling and shitting yourself. It will take the next forty right after you watch it. STAY AWAY!!
RATING : -44
*KNOCK OFF
Don’t quote me on this, but I think this movie was originally supposed to be in 3-D but then they could only afford to release the Left Eye portion. Why do I think this? Because it’s got the stupidest close-ups and zooms I’ve seen in over fifty years. Maybe it’s supposed to be “Style?” Or maybe it was supposed to be a kid’s movie, what with all the goofy camera moves and low-angle shots but the violence and other “grown-up” stuff just got out of control? Or maybe it’s a movie assembled from some other action movie’s coverage? Or maybe it was originally only ten minutes long and they had to “pad it out” to feature length in order to get distribution? Or maybe it’s one of those so-called “spirit photographs” that just somehow show up on unexposed film stock? Or maybe it was some kooky Performance Art, and without the flier letting you know that Van Damme represents Paternal Smothering In A Parochial Setting and Rob is representing Youthful Rage Depleted Of All Language And Aspiration, it just doesn’t quite “come across.” Of course, it might be one of those student films we’ve been hearing about. Hell, maybe the thing was meant to be seen at some other projection rate instead of the normal 24fps (24 frames per second); like 13fps or 257fps or something. It might even be one of those message in a bottle type things, where all we’re getting is the sunstroked blathering of a Brooke Shields or a volleyball or something. Or maybe the cinematographer had severe glaucoma or astigmatism or just double vision? And maybe his double vision is superdoublevision, a superpower that sometimes registered during the processing of the film? Maybe it was written with a big clumsy blue kindergarten pencil and then edited with those little-kid brightly colored plastic scissors? Maybe it’s. . .
Look, I’ll just admit it. I don’t get this movie.
The way old people don’t get gangsta rap, I don’t get this movie. On a very real and profound level.
And why give us the date AFTER the prelude / teaser and opening credits? How much time has passed? Any? None? Is it the past, present or future now? Damn it!
THROW ME A FUCKING BONE HERE, MOVIE!
Damn it!
No, really, DAMN IT!!
And why all those bizarre-ass Point Of View shots? The foot going into the shoe, for example. Or the rest of the
The movie’s primary motif or theme seems to be sucky craftsmanship. The movie had all the subtlety of :
a burning Santa Claus running at you and kicking your genitals
a Howitzer spitting at you
pooping out an Amtrak train
sex with your mother, with dad giving pointers43
a ninja (just kidding)
a zombie abortion crawling up your leg, looking for home
all the red blood cells in your body turning white
eating a worm only to find a gross, rotting apple inside it
bleeding maple syrup from an artery
freebasing a spoonful of maggots
a close up of quadruple anal penetration in a Benji movie
a Napalm enema
finding a third nipple inside your ass
walking on glass and eating donkeys
shoving an anvil into one of your tearducts
listening to a Top 40 radio station for over an hour!
eating parts of your own body until you die
George W. Bush44
six thousand children pulling their eyes out yelling “pick mine!”
being hot-glued to an insane, drunk mongoose
THE HOT CHICK (who’s actually in it!)
reaching your hand into your stomach via the nasal passage
the moon crashing into your funnybone
killing an entire third world country using only papercuts over the course of 63 years
screaming “RAPE” in a Lamaze class
gargling hydrochloric acid
licking your eyebrows
choking to death on the severed penis of Walter Carlos
fisting with chainmail
eating a running elephant
or, well, . . .
You get the idea.
What you don’t get is that all of these combined are still too subtle to be accurate analogies for the movie in review. That would be thanks to director Tsui Hark, the man behind such movies as ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA I, II, and III. He was also the producer of Yuen Wo Ping’s double-brilliant IRON MONKEY from 1993. So remember that, because Mystery Science Theater 3000 taught me all God’s creatures should be judged by their best work and Hark’s not all bad. But as for Van Damme and Rob Schneider, ha ha ha, you’re nicked you swine! Ha ha ha! Since this movie is actually bad enough to be good, unlike your other movies that are just plain bad, that makes this movie your best work. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha.
Okay, I’m okay. Huh. Ha, uh. Ha. It’s just that they suck so much.
Ha ha ha. Ha.
Oh... Okay.
RATING : 8½ (just like the Fellini film! Except shitty!)
LAKE PLACID
This was meant to be bad, right?
I mean, sure, it’s pretty darn bad, but it really seems intentional, which I don’t understand. Even down to one of those “I’m not going, I’m not going, I’m not going,” cut to them going shots. It’s laughable how bad it is until you stop to wonder, ‘is this intentionally bad?’
I’m not sure how I should review or rate this one.
Damn.
I guess I’ll play it safe for now.
RATING : 045
(I think that’s what they went for...)
(But would that make it a ten? If this was their goal and they completely achieved it? Couldn’t it? [long pause] No. No matter what, this movie is definitely no ten!)
The rating stands until proven otherwise. This isn’t justifiably intentional badness like THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVERA as far as I’m concerned.
THE LAST STARFIGHTER
Yikes!
I can’t really review this one. I’ve got no handle on it.
See, when this movie came out, I loved it. Now, it kinda sucks. Kinda sucks a lot, actually. As a child I never noticed how heavy-handed and shabby most of it is. Especially early on, lets just say the foley and ADR are not as subtle as one might like.
But I did love it. Back in the day.
An objective middleground seems beyond me. (Unlike with the STAR WARS movies. I hate the new SW movies, and now, by George Lucas’ fuckpiggily dastardly trolling re-re-manipulations of the old movies46, I hate those too! I used to love the original trilogy. Now it’s nigh on unwatchable rubbish. George Lucas should be drawn and quartered for crimes against Art, Truth and Vision. Him and Spielberg should go fuck each other to death and leave our damn memories alone! Look, I’m sorry, but it just pisses me off so much.)
What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I can’t rate it accurately, so I’ll just throw it a three. Hell, it was 2.35:1, which is, of course, numero uno of all the aspect ratios47.
RATING : 3, but you already knew that...
*LEONARD PART 6
Why didn’t someone warn me?
Oh yeah, that’s right. Someone did warn me. Someone by the name of EVERYONE WHO’S EVER SEEN THIS SUBORDINATE LACKLUSTER PIECE OF UNTERTAINMENT! But why didn’t I listen to them? Can that many people really be wrong? Well, with Elvis they were48. So I took my chances.
Bad move.
They were right.
Sometimes that happens.
God Damn I Hate Bill Cosby.
This movie’s reputation precedes it, and nothing at all postcedes or follows or forgives it. This movie could suck the blue right out of green leaving only a pissy yellow, for its suckpower is almost black-holian in its absolution. I’m not 100% sure you’ll get what I mean by that, but I have confidence that you will / do / did.
Sometimes we have to review “outside the box”, for it is the only way possible when you come across a LEONARD movie (Eris forbid there should be a sequel or prequel someday49).
The VHS copy I took home from the video store needed to be rewound twenty minutes to view it from the begining. Yes. I know. Isn’t that ominous? Boom. Warning flag. The person who had this tape before me only got about twenty minutes in, counting the FBI warning, logos and trailers. Hell yeah. That’s the kind of glowing reccomendation I look for!
Press rewind.
Sit and wait and grow fearful and wait and grow fearful and Kachunk! The tape is ready to watch. But am I? Fuckin’ A I am!
Reset the counter to zero and press play.
Okay, a trailer for the “new” adventures of Pippi Longstocking. Yeah, that resurgence caught on like wildfire didn’t it? (Sorry if I’m too caustic before the feature even starts...)
After the trailers and warnings, the screen goes black briefly, so you can properly calibrate your soul to the same shade of black the movie utilizes. You don’t want to watch this movie, which was filmed using “Devil’s50 Anus-Interior Black,” if your soul is running a mere “Dead Child’s EEG Black” (which actually has a tiny hint of green in it). It might cause unwanted crossover and distortion and even, possibly, feedback.
Well, the title sequence for the movie whose name I dare not speak51 was pretty good if it really was done by a dyslexic four-year-old hermaphrodite with ADD and no arms who is blind and doesn’t realize its making a credit sequence and is legally dead. Not bad, kid!
There is a visual effects credit for Richard Edlund. If you don’t know who he is, I’m not going to tell you, because this would be the connection you’d always have in your brain from here on out. If you do know who he is, lets just dump a few (metaphorical) bottles of Dom (because the real stuff is too expensive to waste on a guy that did this movie) on the curb for that poor homie. . .
The flick starts with a bit of feverdreamish crappy imagery. Cosby in a stupid-looking car that jumps a hill. Cosby doing really frightening ballet (thankfully I already hated ballet). Cosby riding an ostrich from the top of a building.
Then the movie “really” starts.
Nope. Oops. My fault. I just figured that since the movie was starting now that the movie has started (?) . . .
Now it’s just some guy making small talk by staring straight into the camera as to avoid any possibility of you actually getting sucked into the movie and forgetting about thing like cameras and lights and really annoying actors, etc. Because, wouldn’t you? No. Of course you wouldn’t. That would just be stupid! Um.
Then, the guy doing a longer camera take than Ferris Bueller, but not as funny or meaningful mind you, keeps on doing his [new cussword]ing camera take! He starts talking to us about what we just saw! Because, um, maybe all of us didn’t see what all of us just saw (?) . . .
And finally, the movie starts- oops.
Nope. Not yet. Now the not-Ferris informs us that this movie is part six of (something?) and the first five parts were confiscated by “World Security.” If these guys are trying to protect the world, then why let this frothy red and yellow discharge of a movie loose on all of us poor innocents? Why not just relegate this part to the vaults along with the first five? And why try to justify the utter and complete hogwash we just saw? Why not let’s just skip that gobbledygook and move on from there? And, I don’t know, JUST START THE FUCKING MOVIE!!! But no.
(Presumably the first five movies were much, much worse than this, but how that could be is anyone’s guess. Personally, my take on this whole World Security organization thing is that they confiscate any movie that would CAUSE World Security and only release movies that keep their interests and budget intact. They only let loose movies that would make people think “damn, I wish there was a group of people called ‘World Security’ that would keep movies that are nearly blinding due to there highly toxic levels of stupidity like this one away from my eyes.” And thusly, they continue to receive funding through low-level grifter-style chicanery.)
Anyway.
Part 6's first real moment is, well, no wait, now this is a flashback!
Great Holy Fuck, movie! Get your shit together! I have feverdreams and hallucinations more lucid than this! If your movie needs this much bullshit just to introduce the goddamn pudding salesman, why. in. the. fuck. didn’t you just start with part one?!!?!!!!!!!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!52
Anyway. Again!
Apparently some CIA agent was attacked and eaten by a Badguy Killer Trout (yes, the fish). I know it makes no sense but just follow along or abandon ship now for it gets no better.
This is all in the first few minutes of the movie, mind you. Whomever viewed this before me made it much further53. Personally, doubts are setting in already. Big, Asia-sized doubts. Jupiter-sized doubts. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”-sized doubts54.
Bigtime.
Then! At about the five minute level!
SOUND THE ALERT!
Joe Fuckin’ Don Fuckin’ Baker!
Yes. The Joe Don Baker from Mystery Science Theater 3000. The guy who starred in MITCHELL, the movie that those Best Brains at Mystery Science Theater 3000 wrote and directed (I think) to see Joel Robinson off the Sattelite of Love, and to introduce Mike Nelson onto it. The ultimate Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie (not counting the far inferior/superior “MANOS”: THE HANDS OF FATE). Better than Mithrel and not quite as good as Mittens; Joe Don Baker! Also the star of Mystery Science Theater 3000's FINAL JUSTICE. Put it this way: if you have a shameful drunk stepdad, Joe Don Baker is the guy your sad-assed stepdad looks up to. He’s bad luck to the power of infinity minus one. Don’t get sucked into his gravitational drag! Watch out for snakes! And that’s the five minute mark. I think I’m man enough, so I’m gonna “go ahead on” and not hit the stop button. Yet.
Holy fuck this is going to be a loooooong movie.
Quick note: I think I figured out the target audience for this movie. Bill Cosby’s children. Okay, it’s a very small Target Audience but it is one. And I’d bet my life and my bottom dollar (?) that even they were disappointed. Otherwise they are deaf, blind, dumb, retarded, stupid, evil, liars and seventeen other really bad things.
Another note: the “Cos” dressing montage took a full four years, eight months, two weeks, six days, nine hours, thirteen minutes and forty-two seconds. Sure, it only registers on VCRs as a minute or so, but that is because it is part of an evil teseract. Time distorts around things of this magnitude of “pure evil55,” and humans register the full amount of time, but clocks do not. I swear. You’ll see if you watch this movie. I’m not clever enough to make that shit up. I’m no scientist.
It’s a fact.
Still another note: maybe in our past lives we all did something terrible to Bill and the filmmakers. And if this isn’t “karma” catching up to us, then these sad bastards are gonna be paying us back thru the rest of eternity if there is any underlying justice or “karma” (kharma) to the nature of the universe. This group is future dungbeetles or lower. Tapeworms, maybe. (Although the movie did seem fairly tape-wormy already.) Plus, I don’t buy into the whole reincarnation thing, so just ignore this whole paragraph. I was trying out the new-agey optimist thing, but it doesn’t quite fit right. I guess I need a Karma-Tailor or something to take the concepts in a bit at the seams.
Strangely enough though, the bitchy bad-guy lady from this movie is the Oracle from THE MATRIX. And the Oracle for this movie looks a lot like the junkie mom Darla from THE CROW. I don’t think it’s her, but it looks kinda like her. Go figure.
This movie doesn’t just insult your intelligence, it takes it out behind the shed and touches it in all the wrong ways.
By the by, the shot of Cosby riding the ostrich is the most believable ostrich-riding I’ve seen since the video game Joust.
Pretty much.
Did I mention that I really can’t stand Bill “TV Commercials” Cosby? I fucking hate that fuckity fuck. Fuck him. I’d like to deep fry his tongue and eyelids. The fucker.
Boy, I sure wish I’d only seen the first twenty minutes like the poor, lucky bastard before me...
RATING : -68+
LICENSE TO DRIVE
Trailer for COCOON 2: THE RETURN. Old people rule! At least in the COCOON movies... Why a sequel? Because COCOON was a hit! That’s why! Then another sequel trailer! THE FLY II! Well, more sequel than re-make at least. Then sadly, a trailer for WORKING GIRL. I didn’t get it. It seems that Ripley from ALIEN and Han Solo come to earth to rescue CHERRY 2000, I think. The details were kinda sketchy...
And now our feature presentation! Which begins with a bile-spewing rendition of that “Baby You Can Drive My Car” song. Not that I like the original at all, but this version is exponentially worse. This is going to be yet another long movie. After the director’s credit, I started to get jittery. My first instinct is to hold my breath, but I know I’ll never be able to hold my breath for the full 90 minutes. My record so far is the 73 minutes of TRANCERS 5: SUDDEN DETH. I’ll try anyway.
Confidence is at a DefCon level of 2 or 3.
Oh no, Rollergirl, I mean Heather Graham is in this?! Yowtch! But oh, Carol Kane is too. Damn I loves me that Carol Kane. I’m pretty sure that when she’s 90 I’ll still want to have sex with her. That goes for Bernadette Peters also, who had the sense to stay away from any movie starring either or both of the “Coreys.” I bet Myrna Loy would still be hot now too. Well, if she wasn’t dead and like that, I mean. Even dead, though, I bet after I had a couple cocktails she’d be-
Holy shit! What the fuck am I talking about?! Fuckin’ LICENSE TO DRIVE, you evil bastard! This movie is getting to me. Sorry about that uncomfortable weirdness there. I must remain vigilant. I’m only 15 minutes in and I’m thinking like a damn necro. I mean I love the THIN MAN movies, but she’s dead. I’d usually need at least a pulse, but Myrna is just so-
Luckily, Corey One does a camera take at about the 37 minute mark that snaps me from the necrophiliac spell I was succombing to. Apologies.
Carol Kane, the still a hottie, is in this movie. Did I mention that?
Well, the awful necrocausal creepwaves this movie radiates notwithstanding, the movie is pretty grating and maggoty-fresh. (In a bad way.)
51 minutes and I’m ready to jump ship. But I won’t. For you. And with that in mind, I often like Satan but his body odor in this movie is so much thicker and muskier and humid than it usually is in other movies. Sorry Satan, but even the music is far, far below your normal standards. Aren’t you supposed to be the deity with the jams? You’re really letting yourself go here, man.
Huge breath.
Exhale.
I knew I’d never make it. Still, I tried. Maybe holding my breath (and this Death Eater of a movie) caused the spooky, lovely Myrna references.
Still over twenty minutes left. Not even close to a record.
I think this movie stole my lunch money. It seems like the kind of movie that would.
I hate this movie the same way I hate many bus drivers. You know what I mean.
Corey X and Rollergirl hooking up has a believability rating of negative zero. I know there is no such thing as a -0, but there is now! Deal with it and get on with your life. I’ve got more shit to review! (Hopefully without any spooky Myrna Loy fantasies. Sorry about that. Blame the movie, not me.)
RATING : -9 (seems it should be lower, but I like Myrna Loy)
MADHOUSE
Kirstie Alley and John Laroquette used to be movie stars!!!
Wow, that’s a while ago.
Also starring the “Friendly Fascist” Dennis Miller. Nice mullet, guy.
I’m going to bare my soul here, and put my thingie on the table, as it were, but I like this movie. I really do. It’s got a dark little hate-filled heart and even some zombies! There’s a cat that keeps coming back to life after they bury it (because their backyard is apparently the PET SEMATARY) and a nightmare featuring a full-on zombie siege. Awesome! The seige is even in black and white. Expected to loathe it but instead I found and bought a copy for my zombie movie collection (which is currently over a hundred and fifty, just like the amount of dollars the movie CUTTHROAT ISLAND took in! Isn’t it amazing when things just seem to work out in truly synchronistic ways?).
Just for good measure, the movie even has a touch of cocaine trafficking.
Fuck yeah56.
RATING : 6
MASTER OF DISGUISE
I am attempting the impossible: watching all of this movie, not being a kid and having no kids. Just me and movie, one on one, mano y manure.
I’m gonna kick this movie’s ass!
Press play.
Aw, c’mon, now. You’re not going to be THIS BAD are you movie?
Movie?
I can make it.
LONG PAUSE
Or not!
SHIT!!!!
(Even the cockroaches and maggots and rats begin swimming to shore.)
I can make it!
(Pieces of metal and wood and plastic begin jumping off the metaphoric boat.)
So THAT’S how it’s gonna be...
Kachunk!
I only made it 26 minutes.
It seriously felt like over an hour. Seriously. Really. Really.
REALLY.
I’m sorry.
This is possibly a seven testicle job and I only have two. Unless that floaty weird-feeling lump that might be cancer counts as three57. Still, even counting that, I’m four too short.
Again, really, I’m very sorry I couldn’t make it through the whole damn thing. I thought I could do it. Hell, I KNEW I could do it. But no. I made it through GLITTER, but not this. Not that this is worse. Far from it. It’s just that GLITTER seemed to have some promise of getting bad enough to be good (which, of course it didn’t). Not so here. Just something akin to the smell of week-old animal carcasses in the sun on a hot Texas summer day in that episode of The Twilight Zone when the Earth was plummeting into the sun.
Again, sorry. I tried.
There is no possible Target Audience for this drech. Unless...
Yes!
Unless it’s pre-language toddlers!! HELL YEAH! OH YES! I figured it out!
No, wait, they don’t have enough money to be a viable market segment. GOD DAMN!! Thought I had something there. Nope. No market, no excuse.
I think I actually cried. I don’t remember clearly. The jokes were like pokes in the eye with a cattle-prod or acid-spitting demon’s cock.
I’ve puked and shat funnier things. Like blood.
Hell, even fart jokes are funnier. Oh wait, at least the one I saw in this movie wasn’t. Nevermind.
I suppose you could use this movie to induce vomiting if you ever accidentally ingest toxins or Arby’s or something.
I bet.
Sometimes, an actor says they made a movie like this for their children. Well, Dana, if you made this as a movie for your children to watch, you obviously hate kids even more than me and W. C. Fields combined. And that’s really saying something. I would rather eat a baby (with the right barbecue sauce [KC Masterpiece, maybe] and proper white wine58) than change its diapers. You must want to just kill them for absolutely no reason. I mean, not even to eat them. Killing just for “sport.” Even your own kids.
Look, when your movie is worse than THE HOT CHICK, you got problems.
RATING : -93
MONEY TRAIN
I had high hopes for this one, and it really let me down in a big big way. C’mon, Woody Harrelson as a cop? Jennifer Low-PEZ as a cop? I’d hoped for more scenery chewing, more melodrama and more outright zaniness than three YENTLs and twelve PROBLEM CHILDs combined.
Unfortunately, nothing to report. More like things to confess having seen.
The kind of movie you just add a little water to and heat. No fucking recipe at all. Instant. It just starts off, and goes until it stops. After that there’s some credits followed by confusion, depression, distension, incontinence and loss of appetite. Then you eventually move on with your life and seek counseling.
Is this review long enough? Can I stop thinking about it now?
Really?
I can?
THANK YOU.
RATING : -7 (which honestly feels closer to a -24; the movie is disorienting that way)
MR. T - BE SOMEBODY OR BE SOMEBODY’S FOOL!
WOW! I’m speechless. (Real review coming after I watch it again a few more times.)
Wow.
RATING : 8.993642871
MY BOYFRIEND’S BACK
Hot Damn I love this movie. A zombie59 romantic comedy way before the excellent SHAUN OF THE DEAD, and the same year as ED AND HIS DEAD MOTHER (1993), and better than NIGHT OF THE CREEPS or NIGHT LIFE... And did I mention that not five minutes go by without an hilariously quotable line? Directed by Bob Fucking Balaban. After directing this movie, the wonderful film PARENTS and being dead brilliant as a cartographer / Truffaut’s translator in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND60 (and especially after the brilliant book he wrote about the CLOSE ENCOUNTERS experience), Bob’s achieved a unique state of reverence here at the 000/000 Official Review Center (of which I am by far the most vocal half61 so far). If we were some fly-by-night organization we would present our (000/000's) facts about Mr. Balaban as a way of extorting money or favors from the masses and presenting Bob as some sort of new-new-age deity, but we know he is much more than that. This kind of glowing personality is usually tapped as a battery for one of the big three Hollywood studios then left for dead whence it is “over, done with, gone.”
Not this time, though.
Go Team Balaban!
I WILL find the Renee Zelwegger cameo, dammit! It’s driving me bat-shit bonkers!
RATING : 8
*PHONE BOOTH
First off, a bit of seeming praise.
“This is a progressive movie.”
It starts with a crappy song, then moves to a crappy voice-over, then explodes into really atrociously barfingly bad acting. See? Progressive. It keeps getting worse.
Keep in mind that I think writer Larry Cohen has done some really fun work in the past.
At seven minutes, panic started setting in. Nothing is going to happen, except Cheeky Poopstain (Call-in Feral62) talking on the phone, I thought. And with good reason. That is all that happens.
It’s MY DINNER WITH ANDRE where the dinner is a phone and Andre is Andre the Giant, the wrestler. No, still too subtle. It’s RUN LOLA RUN, but with a guy standing in a phone booth instead of the lovely and talented Franka Potente running around doing stuff. In different ways! No, it’s more a very literal THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL crossed with a very literal VERY BAD THINGS.
Yeah, that’ll do for now.
To say these performances were “phoned-in” (I know, sorry) falls short. This is more like an audio equivalent of breaking the fourth wall. If a voice can wink at the camera, Keifer Sutherland was surely performing semaphore with his eyelids. This whole movie feels like an extreme close-up done to avoid having to build sets.
Still, bonus points to the movie for only being about 80 minutes. When you got a big dumb gimmicky preachy (comedy?) movie like this, the shorter the better.
Holy cow, I don’t know why Radha Mitchell and Ghost Dog were in this, unless rent was due within three weeks or something. Maybe Radha was 500 large deep to the mafia? Like some really pressing bills that could only be paid by doing a weeklong project. (The shooting schedule wasn’t more than a week, right?!)
RATING : 1 (for poor Radha and Forrest just getting paid)
*PLUTO NASH
Oh, Luis Guzman, why?!?! Doesn’t PT and TV paying you enough?
Really. I mean, DAMN, guy. Can you look me in the eye and say the original script was a LOT LOT better or what?!?!!
Still, I guess a bad movie is better than a “good” commercial, but it saddens me to see you in this, sir.
Warning: This movie has a plot twist that makes you want to throw Eddie Murphy at your TV. Yes, TV. I’ve seen the “box office” this movie took in, and it means you didn’t see it at the theater.
Good for you.
(Here’s me lowering the lights here in the review, even though it probably doesn’t look like anything changes “out there” in the “real” reader’s “REALITY.” You probably guess that I’m going to get real heavy for a moment.)
(I clear my throat and throw a stern glance your way.)
“There are many now living that have no idea that Eddie Murphy used to be funny. Very funny, in fact. They are only familiar with piss puddles like this one, the Doolittle movies, and being that ass in SHREK.”
(Here, miraculously, I somehow look directly into Eddie Murphy’s eyes.)
“It’s your own fault Ed. Why the decision to be the new unfunny, safe-for-pre-schoolers Eddie? It sucks. Almost as much as this ill-conceived movie.”
(The air is sharp and tries to cling like a thousand mis-informed well-wishers.)
You finally realize that the only way out of this movie review is to just stop reading it. So you do.
RATING : -26
THE PRINCESS DIARIES
I did not watch this movie, so I am only judging the trailer and what I’ve heard and read. But mostly, from the trailer.
It made me shit bloody chunks of lower intestine.
RATING : -47 (this number will no doubt drop substantially if I ever see the feature)
RAIDERS OF THE LIVING DEAD
Starring that kid from THE TOY63, the most Jewish girl in the world, Spencer For Hire & Rhoda wannabes and the 1980's! All acting up a fucking storm!!!!!
Please note that this movie was shot and edited by angry blind people (as opposed to well-adjusted blind people) although it’s never really mentioned. Not even in the credits, or as a warning before the feature.
There are also many moments of sub-made-for-TV-movie standards, and at least 500 glaring flaws and groaners, but in a good way. And hey, it had loads (probably about six loads, FYI) of zombies in it, and as we all know, that’s a really good thing for any movie to have. Well, except maybe for NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, because ghouls worked out just fine in that one. For instance, if you’re wondering why TITANIC wasn’t more popular, it’s probably because when all the people died at the end (I hope I’m not giving anything away here), they failed to get up again and eat the survivors.
Boy oh boy, I always love it when I see stuff like boom mic shadows in a scene for a long time. That’s when you know you’re in really good hands. And by good I mean inept bastards who won some lottery or something and are making movies while I would never make that mistake, but still can’t get anyone to produce my movies. . .
Anyway.
I’d say more, but I seem to have laughed all conscious memory from my, uh, memory.
Yeah. Um.
Great fun.
And if it seems like a couple movie smashed together, that’s because it is. Honestly.
RATING : 7
RAPID FIRE
With Brandon Lee.
The rented VHS cover I’m reading proclaims in bold caps UNARMED AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS on the front. Turning the box over, the first thing you see is a big picture of Brandon wielding a HUGE GUN.
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Brilliant.
That’s all for now, I’ll watch the movie later. Maybe. But I doubt it.
RATING : 7 (VHS box cover art and copy only)
RESIDENT EVIL 1 & 2/
HOUSE OF THE DEAD 1 & 2
The RESIDENT EVIL movies are far and away the best zombie movies based on video games I’ve ever seen! And I’ve seen all four! The other being the intensely, brutally, embarrassingly lackluster HOUSE OF THE DEAD. Milla Jovovich beats out Clint Howard every time.
HOUSE OF THE DEAD, on the other hand, is a steaming pile of muppet shit. Apologies to Juergen Prochnow, but great holy hell was that a dung-filled romp. Why the fake “bullet time” special effects when nothing’s happening? Why the bad clips from the video game as scene transitions? Why why why!?!? Still, it’s a zombie movie. And it had boobies. And, to be honest, there are a few pretty cool bits and pieces. Unfortunately, the cool bits are surrounded by mediocre stretches of goofy poo.
PART TWO?!?!?!?!?!!?
RATINGS :
RESIDENT EVIL 1&2 : 5 (if for nothing else, for the flash of Milla’s area in part one...)
HOUSE OF THE DEAD 1&2 : 2.5 (zombies and boobies)
sorry
THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD
1985 was THE premium year for zombie movies. It saw the release of such zombie movies as RAIDERS OF THE LIVING DEAD, BURIAL GROUND, NEON MANIACS, NIGHTMARE WEEKEND and others. It also gave us three undeniable undead classics: THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, RE-ANIMATOR and DAY OF THE DEAD. The best year for zombies since 1932 and the very beginning of the genre. If you can argue against it, I’d like to hear it. 2002-2004 were all good years, each with an Instant Classic (UNDEAD, 28 DAYS LATER and SHAUN OF THE DEAD respectively) but the sheer volume of 1985 with its 3 Classics seems to be the year to beat.
RETURN is a reinvention that catches you offguard upon first viewing. These zombies can run, think, even talk. They are the Turned Up To 11 SPINAL TAP equivalent of the NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD ghouls. And while these are not the first “fast zombies,” I suspect that these are the precursor zombies to 28 DAYS LATER’s “rage-infected” “zombie-like” lads and lasses and to the ho-hum DAWN OF THE DEAD remake’s64 zombies. And to RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 2 and 3 also, of course.
RETURN is another top ten zombie movie65. There is really no further review necessary. If you haven’t seen this, do it now. You seem decent enough though, I’m sure you’ve already seen it, not like those others.
RATING : 10
*SCARRED CITY
Stephen Baldwin! Tia Carrere! Action movie!
Okay, let’s go! (Press play)
Oh! Tia sings.
Best relevant quote: “Don’t start singing until they’re too drunk to complain.” Yes. This movie actually offered Tia sound advice, so it can’t be all bad.
Yet, somehow it is.
Just another of Universe’s Great Mysteries.
Speaking of mysteries, do Tia and Generic Baldwin have the same satanically persuasive agent or what?! How the hell do these wooden “actors” get work?! What’s going on here? Who’s the sick bastard inflicting these homunculi on our psyches? Are these “actors” actually paying millions to be in movies or what?! No jokes here, how are people like this building movie careers? I’ve met Satan and He assures me he has nothing to do with it, although he does think it’s funny. So how does this happen?!! Okay, most viewers aren’t too picky as to who’s on screen as long as there’s a movie, but aren’t directors and casting agents supposed to care? I care! Does that make me over-qualified to cast an action movie? Damn!
Another thing, and I realize I’m just showing my ignorance here, but I really don’t know what a “mope” is. Sure, I know it’s an ethnic slur, but against which race or religion? Just which subset of us are the “Mopes?” I’m as hate-filled as the next guy (at least) but usually not in as generic of terms as against “Chinks” or “Jews,” you know. Sure, I could rewind the movie to try to find out, but I’d rather eat my own eyes than watch any of this (some kind of bubbling yellow substance with bits of bone and blood in it as analogy for bad movie) again.
See, Baldwin’s in this group of rogue super-secret tough-guy vigilante cops that go out and kill all the bad guys all the time with a 100% kill ratio and they refer to the victims by their ethnic slurs. Yawn. Apparently, they even kill “Mopes.”
Yeah, there might be a bit more to it, I think. Just kidding. They’re a bunch of hackneyed thugs and killers and it’s straight out of Stupid Villains 101. And I guess they didn’t need an agent or even have to go through a casting process! (Okay, sorry, I’ll let it go. It just makes no fucking sense to me, at all, how “actors” this lame get work!)
Fun Fact: If you watch closely as Stevie Baldwin walks, it looks for all the world like he has legs of uneven length. The resulting strut is surreal and disarming to put it mildly.
But is it art?
Chaz Palminteri referring to Goofus Baldwin: “I don’t think he’s that stupid.”
Uh, sure.
Tia: “We’re in the neighborhood of nothing left to lose.”
Yep.
Sadly, it’s no FAIR GAME, a “great” badfilm with Stinky Baldwin and Cindy Crawford.
RATING : 2
SHOCK WAVES
All star cast, zombies, and that’s all. Really, nothing happens. Some people go to an island, look around, hide, and seem to die from stuff. Really. Oh, and Nazi zombies stand and walk in the water. For over an hour! Holy Jilm Jolm! I “witnessed” this movie with five other people who felt exactly the same way. Maybe the filmmakers just forgot they need action and plot and stuff...
If my grandmother made this movie I would like it. But only because she’s my grandma and she’s dead. That much activity in a “real” corpse would not fail to impress me.
Damn, sometimes I wish I didn’t like zombie movies so much...
RATING : 0.5 (The lowest rating I’ve ever given to a zombie movie. )
*SIGNS
The STUPIDEST movie I have EVER seen.
Sure, LEONARD PART 6 and GLITTER are worse, granted, but even they are not as stupid as SIGNS. See, SIGNS (a.k.a. THE MOVIE WITH ITS HEAD UP ITS ASS) expects us to believe that a breed of aliens (the spooky outer-space kind, not the spooky Taliban kind) that are injured / killed by water would go to a planet that is mostly water. That is like going to the planet Mercury to avoid the heat of summer. It’s like stabbing yourself to make the bleeding stop. No, actually that one would work eventually (when you died). Still, you get my point. The movie is insultingly moronic. It also has the obligatory embarrassing director cameo followed by a scene with an alien trapped in a pantry. Does this mean the gov’t could have save all that money they sunk into Dreamland / Area 51 by just building a ginormous pantry instead? Damn it, man, how the hell did they get here if they’re that danged stupid and ineffectual?! Did they steal the spaceships from “smart” aliens?
On the bright side, SIGNS makes all those 1950's alien movies seem really clever and well-written. And that’s always a plus, I guess.
If you ever meet me and want to talk about or disagree with my belligerent movie reviews, please don’t ask me about this one. This movie really pissed me off. Thanks in advance. Otherwise, I’ll probably just punch you in the fucking throat.
RATING : -34
SNOW DOGS
Even I am not strong enough (stupid enough?) to watch this one, ala PRINCESS DIARIES, but feel no shame in reviewing it nonetheless. It fucking sucks. Unless every scene I’ve seen on TV and in trailers are from a different movie, it blows dead armadillos.
Fuck, I’m not a fan of Cuba Gooding Jr. “Show me the money!” Fuck that! Show me the goddamn exit!
Hey Cuba, I like AS GOOD AS IT GETS, but I don’t even like your character in it. It’s just that your presence wasn’t enough to ruin it for me.
RATING : -29
SPEED
You saw it. You know how bad it is. A little bit funny because of its flaws but still pretty darn shabby.
My review: it’s an hour too long.
My commentary: oh yeah, that’s what Sandra Bullock looks like. I had forgotten.
Dennis Hopper, stick with fun things like Fishing with John, please.
Keanu, I don’t know what to say to you. THE MATRIX (part one) was pretty cool, even though you were in it, but you should being trying to fast track another BILL AND TED movie into greenlight.
The End.
REVIEW : -9
*STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT!
With Estelle Getty and Sylvester Stallone, the only living actor to actually have an Esperanto accent. JoBeth Williams? You should know better. I loved you in POLTERGEIST and THE BIG CHILL but double damn are you wasted here. Seeing you in this makes me rethink my wish to dip my dangle down.
Shit. Was that out loud? Sorry.
(Think of something really gross to calm down, like, uh, Estelle.)
Speaking of Estelle... She may be the penultimate epitome66 of all that is irritating and unholy on this particular dimensional plane. She looks like a cross between a potato and a turkey. I know that isn’t very funny but it sure is accurate. Watching her machinations is like urinating kitty litter. Thank Eris this VHS is full-frame so I hopefully missed seeing her sometimes, even when she was supposed to be on screen.
FUCK!
Now I’ve seen Sly Stallone in a diaper.
FUCK! FUCK!
Shouldn’t there be some kind of warning on the box or something? I mean GOD DAMN EVERYTHING! I didn’t need that. That’s the kind of thing that could mess up a guy real good for the rest of his suicidally depressed life.
Trivia: this is the first movie written and directed in real time. As long as it takes to watch, that’s how long it took to make. I haven’t seen any documentation on this, but trust me.
At about one hour, Sly yells the title. It never occured to me that there would be a titular for such a crap title. Man, it’s rough.
The Golden Girl and Rambo don’t really “bond” until she calls someone an “asshole.” Ah, true family love.
I found myself “crushing” my TV ala The Kids in the Hall “crushing your head.” Otherwise the plot isn’t that good really. Getty’s got the charm of ten Dahlmers divided by two Vlad the Impalers, with a pinch of Urkel and a substance to solution ratio of one part Shannen Doherty to every thousand parts base. (High altitude viewers should just add more Doherty.)
Or, in non-scientific terms: this movie totally sucks.
RATING : -12.684½
THE SUM OF ALL FEARS
If this movie doesn’t make you fear a convoluted terrorist attack from Nazi-sympathetic multi-millionaires, I don’t know what will.
[Mix myself a rum and cola.]
At one point, a couple (Israelis?) find a downed aircraft from 1973 (using plutonium from 1968) in present day. The plane was carrying a nuke. They find the nuke and determine it’s a dud. Then one of them deliver the line, “There’s always someone who’ll buy this crap.” Naturally, I assumed they were talking about the movie in a fourth-wall-breaking kind of way. Rewinding the scene and watching it again I determined that it was actually the bomb they were referring to.
This is another blow-up-the-sport-event kind of terrorist movie(ala blowing up a hockey game, a boxing match, Olympics, etc). Or, in simpler terms, it’s not very original, at all. Pretty stupid, actually, like almost all of the movies here. This one just happens to be in a franchise! Wow! So it must be cool! And the book’s author, Tom Fucking Clancy, if the commentary track he appears on is any indication, is a know-it-all annoying geek, probably at home chatting with other know-it-alls on gun-based bulletin-boards. I personally know for a fact (through my high-level exciting computer hacking) that he personally has never been to a fresh nuclear ground-zero or a closed-door session for DefCon status up-grades, but he sure seems to act like he knows everything about everything, but in a laid-back, casual way. A kind of soft-spoken “they wouldn’t do that” thing. A “ground-zero would be more hot than that” said in a John-Goodmanish voice. Sure, he knows a lot about military shit (something I mostly consider a character flaw), but his smug delivery triggers something in me that makes me assume he’s fudging and guesstimating more that he lets on. If not completely guessing (lying). I just don’t trust him. Even though he seems to know exactly what happened at the Manhattan Project incident.
[Mixing another drink, stronger now]
The movie isn’t really that good.
RATING : -6
VAMPIRES VS ZOMBIES
This is the second shortest review. I guess I just didn’t get it.
RATING : 3 (boobies and zombies)
WALKING TALL
(The original)
Before we’re out of the credits, a kid (Leif Garrett) looks right into the camera. Then, just after the director’s credit, he does it again!
There you go. It’s that kind of movie.
A couple boom mics here and there (mostly in the second half) and a few crew shadows and reflections and Mystery Science Theater 3000's Joe Don Baker “acting” up a series of F5 tornados. With his trusty stick, of course.
I watched the whole thing. GDWAB67.
Not even Richard Dreyfuss could save this baby. Not that he was in it, or is my favorite actor. It’s merely an observation.
Still, I’ve seen worse. It’s actually pretty funny (unintentionally). It’s no ORGY OF THE DEAD but a guy could do a lot worse and usually does.
RATING : a hesitant 3
WHAT WOMEN WANT
Damnit, there’s even a bit on my shoe there.
Damn!
Mel in pantyhose?!
And that’s not even the worst bit!
Aw, this isn’t right.
Shame on you, movie!
Go sit in the corner!
My shoe is going to stink for days now.
Damn!
RATING : -19
WHITE ZOMBIE
The first zombie movie ever made. 1932.
(Automatically, and metaporically, we should all just “give up” some sperm and egg scenarios to the great holy Zombie Jilm Jolm that covers, blankets, and obscures all distraction from the Holy and True Living Jilm Jolm. You know, for the Great and Powerful 000 Construct.)
[moment of silence]
This movie has the scene (for the first time68) of Bela Lugosi squeezing/rolling his hands together as dramitized in the Tim Burton moving picture ED WOOD. So that’s pretty darn cool, too.
Haiti, voodoo, the undead, and thus was a legacy born. (And thus were many of my dollars spent.)
The studio and director Victor Halperin tried to follow up the movie’s unexpected success in 1936 with REVOLT OF THE ZOMBIES but audiences did not respond as well to the Bela-less Cambodia-set follow-up. The same thing happened when RKO tried to follow I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE’s success with the goofy ZOMBIES ON BROADWAY. Which just goes to show that from the get-go Hollywood has always failed to positively second-guess the audience’s wants and expectations, but is still (and always was) eager to throw sequels and remakes at us. P’shaw!
All the possible evil behind-the-scenes machinations and espionage notwithstanding, this movie is pretty damn cool and lean. Only 66 minutes long. I must warn the non-faint-hearted that there isn’t much by way of boobies, car-chases, gore or ‘splosions. Just in case.
Sure, all zombie movies are cool, but when you’re the first, everything else is number two or less! Whoo! Go team, you’re the best!
RATING : 10
ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST
Damn. It had zombies and cannibals and a pretty good handful (hehe) of boobies.
Zombies. Canibalism. Boobies. Zombies. Oh, I already said that.
Well, I can at least say that there was a good chock of stock footage as well. And nothing says creative genius and originality better than stock footage.
Again, damn.
RATING : 3 (better than ZOMBIE LAKE because this one had the aforementioned sweet boobies, and better than HOUSE OF THE DEAD because it’s difficult to be worse [see ZOMBIE LAKE])
ZOMBIE LAKE
Um.
It’s worse.
It did have zombies in it though. . .
Um.
RATING : 2
APOLOGIES TO MICHAEL J. NELSON AND ALL AT MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000.
1 Get used to the Mystery Science Theater 3000 references. This won’t be the last. By far, my friend. Prepare for more Mystery Science Theater 3000 references than the goddamn Amazing Colossal Episode Guide! (See? That was another one already!) Mystery Science Theater 3000 is largely responsible for my badfilm addiction.
2 No, I don’t know why I am reviewing this TV show pilot. The same goes for the A-TEAM review. They both just seemed to be possibly lame / bad enough to be entertaining. And they both were! Who would have known?! Oh, me I guess. Still, the gamble paid off. Having said that, I don’t recommend that you go buy season one DVD sets of either show if it’s even an option. Just watch the pilot episodes on TV or only rent the first disc of the seasons if you have the opportunity. The less you rent, the better your “return on investment.” It just makes good financial sense.
3 The Greek goddess of Chaos and Discord. Better than “God.” 33 % more letters, too!
4 If you don’t believe that, go watch MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS. Then, when you’ve finished bleeding from your eyes, come back here and finish reading these reviews as a literary equivalent to comfort food. It’ll help. Really. Trust me.
5 Sure, I hate me more than anyone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect myself. I know that I’ve done some good work, and for that fact alone I can respect me. This kind of shit by numbers crap-fest seems to me, right from the gate, to have nothing to offer. Which means it will be solely torture. But, like I said, it wasn’t just up to me.
6 Maybe his most “interesting” role.
7 In the “screener” package material that video stores received (in order to try to properly gage their buying on, given their particular markets), the box that held the screener VHS for BATTLEFIELD EARTH had huge letters proclaiming “HIGH TRAVOLTAGE” on it. No lie. I’d like to think I’m sarcastic enough, but I probably wouldn’t have thought of that particular assault on the English language. Possibly to my shame. It’s hard to gage properties when they approach absolute zero.
8 Sure, I like PULP FICTION, but I don’t think Travolta did any better in that movie than any other B-Grade actor would have, given the material. It was well-directed and had a great script. John had nothing to do with the greatness of that movie. (Even though I think Quentin is an annoying person.) Hell, the movie may have been even better with a real actor in it.
9 Evil colors, that is (presumable “black as midnight, black as pitch, blacker than the foulest witch”). Not ‘true colors’ in a positive way like that Cyndi Lauper song. Just plain old evil.
10 Still, not quite as stupid as SIGNS. Damn but that movie bugs me. I wish it didn’t exist. A lot.
11 It would also save on the “wear-and-tear” aspect of the perverts’ VCRs in the audience who have nothing better to do with their time than watch a paused moment of boobies while they did their thing. It’s almost community service if you think of it that way.
12 I can only guess that Samantha was relieved to not do anything approaching a “love” (IE: SEX) scene with Jack Christian.
13 Dick-pussy-love-shit is a Church of the SubGenius term. Not mine. Look up the SubGenius stuff. It’s worth your time.
14 If you think I’m a bluffing with my “I’m no prude” stance, wait until I get the money to do my belligerent masterpiece NCBSU! To tell you what the letters stand for is to give away my game plan. Suffice to say, it will be spectacular. It will be engaging. It will make a shitload of money for my return-on-investment. It will, in short, be an immediate cult classic, never to be topped. And to think, I only need five million to pull it off! It will be legendary! (More at a later date.)
15 My only surprise was that it didn’t happen sooner and that it doesn’t happen a lot more often.
16 I almost threw up when I typed the word “president” in relation with the letter W. Fuck, but I wish the whole Bush clan was dead. Every last one of them. Dead. If George (either one) killed my mother and chopped my cock off, I couldn’t hate him more. I hate those evil monkey bastards as much as I am able to hate. I’m already at the limit. It is impossible to hate them more. Scum.
17 I watched this DVD directly after watching THE SUM OF ALL FEARS. Can you feel my pain, friend? Can you feel my understanding of terrorism? I can almost guarantee that if you watch these two movies back-to-back, you will feel sympathy for those who would seek to end the world. Which I do not. I have, through the many painful years of watching these miscarriages of celluloid, built up something of a resistance. If you don’t believe me, go ahead on! Besides, if you truly think the 9/11 attack was unprovoked and unexpected, I think you are stupid. Not just ignorant, but stupid. Not misinformed, not optimistic, not patriotic, and certainly not smart. We, as citizens, don’t necessarily deserve it, but our country, due to our evil government’s terrorism, certainly does. At least in the minds of the people we bombed all over the world. Keep in mind that when we attack other countries most casualties are civilians, not military or government personnel. And that fits the profile of 9/11. Their aim was for military/financial targets and many civilians died in the process. It is nothing new. America has done it for decades. It just usually doesn’t come back on us. (That’s assuming it wasn’t our government “staging” these attacks as a way of scaring the U.S. people into giving up their freedoms so they could have more POWER. [And having said that, now I know I’m truly fucked if any gov’t watchdogs read shitty movie reviews...])
18 I don’t understand the apostrophed abbreviation for “Different.” To call it “Diff’rent Strokes” uses exactly the same amount of characters. So why the apostrophe (‘) instead of an “e” (e) I ask? This abbreviated lack of logic also stands for calling World War Two “WWII.” The abbreviation is about twice as many syllables as what the abbreviation is supposed to abbreviate! This goofy logic makes absolutely no sense to me! Really, think about it. You’ll see. It doesn’t make sense.
19 Yet another Mystery Science Theater 3000 experiment I was “lucky” enough to view in its entirety.
20 I think it’s safe to assume that any talking dog is evil. Why? Because they can’t fucking talk! Someone or someTHING’s doing it through them! Damn stupid Satan. I hate you, jerk. Still, keep up the good music though. Christian rock has no balls. I guess I don’t hate you, Satan. Still, too bad your movies are nowhere near as good as your rock-n-roll, huh? That’s all I’m saying.
21 Shit.
22 Okay. There were seven commas in that sentence. So what. I warned you about contingencies like this one. I like swear words, quotation marks, AND, COMMAS! Don’t try this at home. I am a professional. (At least I will be after the check clears.)
23 Say what you want, but that’s a great fucking joke, people.
24 Not that Robert De Niro is without his fair share of stinkers. Actually, there are more than a dozen of his movies that I would easily put into the “stinker” list. Look his name up in the VideoHound Golden Movie Retriever or on IMDB.com and you’ll see. I don’t want to type out all the THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY & BULLWINKLE quality films he’s been in here. Let’s just say it’s been over a decade since 1995's CASINO and leave it at that.
25 I’m pretty sure he wasn’t called “Burt” in this movie, but for the life of me I can’t remember what this “Burt” guy was called in this particular travesty. Not even a first letter to try to work with. No idea at all. And it’s better this way, I’m sure.
26 Not counting Molly Ringwald’s boobies in the not-played-enough-movie MALICIOUS. Sorry. I am rather juvenile at times. Still, it’s true. I really, really like Molly’s boobies. And if you are a guy or a lesbian or even a bi-curious female, I’m confident that you do too. Molly’s breasts are damn near miraculous. And I’m just saying that as a guy. Not like I have a hidden agenda or something. Plus, I don’t think EVERY movie should have Molly’s exquisite boobies in it. Just MOST of them. REQUIEM FOR A DREAM? No. That shouldn’t have Molly’s gorgeous breasts. THE X-MEN? Whatever sequel? YES! You should have at least one Molly Ringwald nipple (or “money” ) shot. How about the FOUNDATION TRILOGY (still in early development)? In my humble opinion it should be: two hours of Molly’s breasts for the first part, and two hours of Molly’s boobies for the second part, and two hours of Molly’s knockers for the final part. Guaranteed money in the bank! Hell, I’ll go see it in the theater, rent it on home video AND buy the deluxe DVD edition with a special disc that’s just a scene of a topless Molly jumping up and down on a bed in a motel. I, personally, have that much integrity. If I can buy her DVD to support her lifestyle, I will. Why? Because I care.
Um. Yeah.
27 I’m not sure who this is... Sarah Silverman, maybe? C’mon, smart is sexy. And so is Super Fucking Sexy. She’s both.
28 I’ve even tried tequila and rum. Not at the same time, of course. I’m not a fan of gin, so I didn’t try it. It might work. Still, I’m pretty sure this a whiskey job. And as an aside, bourbon seems more suited to this effort than a typical “blended” whiskey. I’d go with a good bourbon or maybe an Irish whisky. By all means, try your own experiments. I was just trying to do the work for you. If you’re a gin fan, give it a whirl. Could be a pip.
29 If you are of a multi-theistic religion that is not a bizarro three-in-one-God based variety or any other permutation of that / those religion(s), or any other that allows for such concepts of an “anti-[figure-head]*” or “devil” figure or any other such competing concept to accepted Social Mores, then you’ll probably be okay with this review. Some “old-school” religions simply refuse to ever update their theology even given new bits of information and / or science. They will continue to loom and cast shadows, but that does not give them any inherit ‘merit’ or ‘importance’ or anything other than age. The idea of the world being flat is pretty darn old, but that does not make it true.
*An ‘Anti-Christ,’ for example.
30 I heard that there are zombies in one of the other CREMASTERS. I’d watch that one! Hell, I’d buy it!
31 Unless the milk is from a newly-post-pregnant clown, it’s a derogatory meaning.
32 Geena was actually hot in THE FLY. And still strong enough to blow the head off her lover with a shotgun. Hot, hot, hot.
33 Michael Jackson really upsets me, even if he never had spooky sex with little boys (like there’s a non-spooky sort). Paul was your friend. You guys even did two songs together (that I don’t care for) and you should have a certain amount of respect for each other and at least a modicum of taste. So, Mikey, why did you intentionally outbid him on the old Beatles catalogue? Because you are a greedy unconscionable piece of shit. That’s why. Hot damn I hate you. You suck and have no integrity. So, what? Thriller wasn’t enough? You evil fucking worm! If I had all-encompassing power, I would bring back Dante and have him invent a new, even worse, level of Inferno just for you. Then I would send you there. Prick. (This footnote has nothing at all to do with this movie review but I had to get it off my chest. Sorry for any confusion brought about by this footnote. I just really hate Michael Jackson. He’s a creepy fuckchimp shit-eyes pus-stain bile-chugging vomit-inducing bloodfart Nazi-one-upping barbed-wire-enema golden-shower-guzzling pile of toxic sludge. Go die you maggot. I hate your greedy needy fucking guts you bleached-skin spooky-thin-nosed traitor to your family and race. You hasbeen clingy resource and media wasting dooky-diaper of a celebrity. Cancer is too good for you. AIDS is too good for you (which you can’t get from preteen virgin boys), douchebox. Taste the tire of a moving car, please. Why not see if you can stop a bullet with your eyelid? I bet you are rich enough to smother yourself in barbecue sauce on a hot summer day and outrun bulldogs. Try it. In a pinch you could always snap the door off your microwave oven and set it for two hours while you try to sleep with your head inside it. Make sure you press ‘start’ first. You might have to break the little “door-is-closed” part of the door off and shove it into the receiving mechanism to make it work, but I bet you could figure it out (or pay someone [me] to do it for you). How many razor-blades can you eat? Have you ever thought about that? I have. I bet you could choke down at least sixteen. Probably more. Hell, I’ll bet through the judicious use of very sharp knives and fire you could cut off, eat, and cauterize at least a quarter of your own body. Hell, I’ll bet you ten bucks you could do it! Okay, I’m just getting morbid here. Really, just do the sleeping pills. Or the carbon monoxide. But above all, you should do it for yourself. How can you be you and NOT want to commit suicide? Really? Just do it for yourself, you black-skin-hating surgical-cracker piece of shit. Etc.)
34 If that WASN’T a word, it is now!
35 Maybe I should mention that I’m one of the 325 people who liked the movie TANK GIRL. In case that helps somehow. I know it has nothing to do with this review or 8mph, but I feel it should be acknowledged at some point. Just in case, like I say.
36 Look, they did put out Criterion releases of THE ROCK and ARMAGEDDON, otherwise I’d be willing to throw them a 100% hit rate. Michael Bay must have sucked a lot of Criterion and Janus cocks for this to happen, but it did happen. If you like Fellini and Godard, you’ll love THE ROCK! (See how little sense that makes?)
37 I have NO IDEA what the fuck that means. I read it in a comic (PREACHER, I think) and it stuck. Sorry or you’re welcome. Pick one, but only one.
38 Look, I really like boobies. A lot. Even when they are just on screen. A lot. ( Like I mentioned earlier in these reviews, I am still much more juvenile than I have any right to be at my age.) But there is something inherently wooden or mannequinish about her that makes her nipples less desirable than, say, a half-way decent-looking model in a bra catalogue where you can’t see her nipples. And believe me when I tell you, that is very bizarre. Because damn, I really really like boobies especially when they have nipples on them. Cindy presents something close to a paradox in my mind. I don’t get it. Or get it up. Or just get. Like I said, it makes no sense to me. She seems, well, . . . I don’t know. . . Wrong. Sad, though, because it is boobies, I guess.
39 Yes, I think this is, given its budget and visibility and distribution and other factors, even worse than shit like “MANOS” : THE HANDS OF FATE and THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED UP ZOMBIES and MONSTER A GO-GO or any other offering from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Hell, GLITTER makes PLAN 9 look like a Paul Thomas Anderson film. And Mariah makes Joe Don Baker look positively Shakespearean. (Not really.) Damn, GLITTER sucks.
40 Don’t get me wrong, I love DEATH WISH and a handful of Bronson’s other movies, but I’m trying to make a point here. I even like THE MECHANIC with the pointy rat-like Jan-Michael Vincent! This is not a slam on good old Chuck. Really. I’m just a sick bastard and say shit like that. Besides, it is supposed to be offensive, because the movie was offensive. Again, not a slam on Bronson, just a gruesome slam on the movie. Really.
41 She’s not Molly-Ringwald-breasted, I’ll tell you that for free!
42 Or me, of course. Except, unlike you (hopefully), I have seen it. And it only made me blind for a few minutes. Luckily. Still, chances are, it is only because I have built up an immunity to ABJECT TERROR by watching the kind of movies that I’m reviewing here. Had I not seen a lot of completely shit movies in bulk, I would probably be dead now. . .
43 Even if you’re female, FYI.
44 Pigfucker’s bloodfart.
45 NOTE : I give bold-fonted ratings to those movies that achieve a perfect ten or an imperfect zero.
46 He first changed them with the VHS wide-screen copies. At this point, he only cleaned-up the picture and sound (as is often done with any DVD release of an older film) but that can count as a change. Then he did the Special Edition versions of the original trilogy, with “enhanced” special effects, that was released theatrically. Then, when those movies finally came out on DVD, he changed some of the effects and characters AGAIN! So, probably, when the box set of all “six” movies comes out in the future, there is every reason to assume he will change them again! STAR WARS (Episode Four, which was the first one (?), but is now “officially” called “A NEW HOPE”) will possibly, at some point in the future, have gone through more changes than there are versions of A STAR IS BORN and ROMEO AND JULIET combined. Gosh, it’s funny I ever liked that movie now knowing it is / will remain an unfinished movie. What the Hell was I thinking?
47 Other than the occasional 2.40:1 or 2.41:1 which are pretty damn close to good old 2.35:1. Though I hear rumors of a 5.23:1 aspect ratio in the pipeline... I fuckin’ wish. That would be amazing! About the same format as a bookmark on its side.
48 So what. I hate Elvis. He does nothing for me. Besides, in my opinion he was about half as interesting as the people he was inspired by. And he didn’t even write all his own shit! Screw that cracker!
49 If you’ve seen this pile of “dog dirt” and want a quick thrill, say out loud the words “LEONARD PART 10" and see if you don’t shit your drawers in terror. Isn’t that neat? Words are powerful. It’s almost Robertmastersish in its ability to affect physiological change just through words and phonemes. Damned interesting, that.
50 Did you ever notice how movies about Satan are a lot less preachy and needy than movies about God? Are we to infer from this that Satan is by far the more confident and open-minded of the two? Satan never threaten his followers with “if you don’t believe in me unquestioningly you will go to Heaven?!” God does this type of thing all the time. I don’t know, for my money, Satan seems to be more inviting and unthreatening. Just a thought.
51 The movie seems about as pleasant and inert as one of Lovecraft’s elder gods...
52 Please, feel free to imagine as many exclamation points as you can without getting tired. By all means, I want you to read these reviews, but I don’t have an infinite amount of paper to put in ALL the !!!!!!!!!!! that I’d like to. If you’ve seen this movie I’m sure you understand. And the chances are that at least one out of every 10395 people have seen it. This footnote is for that poor few.
53 I reset my counter, if you’ll recall, for exactly this reason. The poor schmuck before me got FIVE times further in than this. We’re talking about four minutes here. Damn, it’s rough. I bet most people gave up before this. Even those who paid like six bucks (or whatever it was then) in the theater probably thought, “well, if I leave now, and get mugged on the way to my car, and then a bunch of cracked-up panthers rape me and my wife, and then a stray bullet pierces my spine rendering me paralyzed for the rest of my life, and my wife gets severe nerve damage dragging my limp body to the car, and our car is not there because it was stolen, and she then gets attacked and raped and mutilated (because this is obviously the same fictional city where DEATH WISH was filmed) and left for dead, and I live out the rest of my days surviving only on whatever rain-water I can catch in my mouth and whatever Raisinettes and popcorn that end up within tongue’s reach of me, it’s still better than this movie.” (Or something similar along those lines.)
54 That’s supposed to be one of the biggest things ever, right? Personally I really don’t like it, but it is pretty huffing big, right?
55 This level of Pure Evil is approximately seven leagues deeper than your run-of-the-mill Michael “The Shape” Meyers kind of Pure Evil. If Donald Pleasance were not deceased, he would surely confirm this for you.
56 If only at least one of Molly Ringwald’s tits could have been in this movie to improve it to a SE7EN or higher!
57 The lump began to grow during my viewing of the movie THE HOT CHICK. And I count myself lucky that that’s all that happened as a long-term result because of seeing that movie.
58 I’ve heard that human meat (“long pig”) is fairly similar to pork, which has a lot of ‘white’ meat. Therefore, I just assume a Chardonnay or maybe a Pinot is probably the way to go with human flesh. Plus, if there is patches of a fairly red meat (as there is with pork ribs and bacon and small areas of pork chops), it is still probably closer to the dark meat of chicken, as opposed to, say, a New York strip or succulent Rib-Eye steak. I’m guessing whites are the wine of choice for human flesh, even though I am generally a red wine person.
59 At some point here I need to cop to the fact that I really do own well over a hundred zombie movies. So, there it is. I speak with no small amount of authority when it comes to me judging zombie flicks. Plus, I’ve seen more than I own, of course. If you are into zombie films and are a thief, then HEY! I’m your one-stop shopping solution! (Please don’t steal my movies.)
60 Not in that order of course.
61 As opposed to internet rumors, I really am only half of 000/000. Were it otherwise, I would surely take ALL the credit and still only HALF the blame. So be it. The one called Kane is by far at least half of the full panorama that is Zero Zero Zero Over Zero Zero Zero. Make no mistake.
62 I’m eligible for some kind of an award for that level of bad joke, aren’t I? I mean Colin Farrell?! Call-in Feral?! C’mon! It’s fucking great!
63 Word has it he later starred in pornos. Is this true? That sounds hilarious!
64 If it was a zombie movie by itself I would like the “remake” much more, but if you call your movie DAWN OF THE DEAD, I just get a little cold when you make the zombies run and change the plot a lot. Just call it MALL OF THE DEAD or something, okay? Many fans consider the original to be the “CITIZEN KANE” of zombie movies, so why do it? Did you think you could do it better? Hell, why not just do a zombie version of CITIZEN KANE then? That, I would love! I’ll even help by writing or directing or even starring in it. Really though, c’mon!
65 Top ten in no particular order: NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, DAWN OF THE DEAD, DAY OF THE DEAD, RE-ANIMATOR, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, SHAUN OF THE DEAD, DELLAMORÉ DELLAMORTÉ, BRAINDEAD (A.K.A. DEAD ALIVE), UNDEAD, HIDE AND CREEP. This is a current list. Be warned that this list changes often. I could easily list I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE or the Italian THE BEYOND or one of the many great Asian films like STACY or BIO-ZOMBIE or VERSUS or WILD ZERO, etc, but hey, I had to only pick ten and these will do for now. Admittedly, I feel slightly ashamed that none of these are foreign language or older than about 35 years, but what can I do...? THIS LIST IS NOT PERMANENT.
66 The real epitome, of course, is Mama from Mama’s Family. The most annoying god damn thing ever.
67 God Damn What A Bummer (From FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS).
68 He does it in more than one movie. Kind of like Joe Don Baker saying, “go ahead on” except not annoying like herpes or jaundice. It’s something of a character trademark. “Oh, he’s Hungarian” (Bela). “Oh, he’s unbelievably asinine” (Joe Don). “Go ahead” makes sense. So does “go on.” And they pretty much mean the same thing. Still, that doesn’t mean you should “go ahead on” and smash ‘em together. Example: “I gotta urinate number one.” Damn but that Joe Don Baker is stupid! “Go ahead on?!” GO AHEAD ON!? What the fuck was he thinking?!?!! This ain’t no Picasso “Blue Period” we’re talking about! Damn that’s dumb. Go ahead on? What is he, four years old or something? Jesus, that’s lame.
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