MY BEST TWEETS
IN MY OPINION
FROM THE LAST 2 YEARS
No meaningful order.
Pride? Meh. Not my favorite Deadly Sin. A Gay SLOTH Parade? Yeah. That might be cool.
I'm really into crowd-sourced yoga.
I'm 1/3 vegan.
"Does the demon raping the baby have to be smoking a cigarette?" -Hollywood
"High School Musical 3 didn't seem to burn with the same passion as the first 2, yet it was still amazing." -My Nemesis
I'm not a sugar daddy. I'm a high fructose corn syrup daddy.
Yeah, I figure geosynchronous is probably my favorite kind of orbit. If I had to pick just one.
Did we ever find out the deal with airplane food?
Nothing against Jews, but if I was picking a God, I'd go for one who's not allergic to shellfish, afraid of fire and doesn't hate women.
Just watched a documentary on racism. I never knew there were so many African-Americans in Africa.
Right now, preachers across the nation are re-enforcing the beliefs of people, and boring the fuck out of their smarter children.
I only read Lactating Cum-Guzzlers magazine for the articles.
Just because I forgot your name doesn't automatically make me a terrible person. I have bad memory and usually call you "mom."
Sledge-hammer! Bench-press! Weight-lifting! (Sorry about the strong language.)
Wait, on the first Christmas, only one kid got gifts and they weren't even age appropriate? We've definitely made progress there!
On a new diet. How many calories are in about 6 fl. oz. of orphan's tears?
People brag about how you can find out anything on the internet. Then why can't I find out how many calories are in a five-month-old fetus?!
Home root-canals are killing the Dental industry. Stop the madness!
King Kong ate 666 skunks, shit it into a hole, covered it with eggs, let it rot a month, then pissed on it. That's how he created patchouli!
Romantic Nihilist to their love: "We'll always have nothing."
I want to make a low-brow existential film called Dude, Why's My Car?
"What a great picture! Clear, detailed, well-composed. Well, let's crop it and fuck it up with bad color and grainy filters!" -Instagram
Peas are great if you like shitty vegetables that taste like dirt and dust.
I wonder if the guy who thought up fluorescent light bulbs had that moment where an incandescent bulb lit up over his head.
Ah yes, the familiar old story of the cop, years from retirement, who plays by the rules and the hooker with a heart of muscle and blood.
"I observed a beautiful woman earlier. I wonder how much I changed her." -Quantum Physicist
Guys, I just heard that the TV show The Wire was pretty good. Anyone else hear this?
JAZZ FUSION: It's all about the notes we *do* play.
Do you think there were false steps like Peach Wellington, or do you think that dude hit on beef right out of the gate?
"Take only pictures, leave only footprints." -slogan for environmentalists and throat-stomping pornographers
There is no war except xenoclass war. #OWS #OccupyWhitleyStrieber
If I was a vegan I'd be *SO* embarrassed knowing that I'm LITERALLY made out of meat.
I can't decide which is my favorite Sue Grafton novel, A is for Apple or J is for Jack.
Did you know that the sentence "The lazy brown fox, etc." contains some of the letters of the alphabet?
Given the laws today, if someone is gonna bust you for selling pot, kill them. You get a lighter sentence for murder.
When I take a drink of wine I always say, "those are some good tannens!" That lets people know I'm classy.
If I accept Jesus into my heart, should I change my relationship status to "It's Complicated?"
After saving all those different animals, Noah must've hated hearing that most of them tasted like chicken.
The scientists at Tide have the whitest lab coats of ALL scientists.
Sure, I hate Trekkies, but more than that, who I *REALLY* hate are the fucking Klingons. Screw those war-mongering pricks! 'IwlIj jachjaj!
Seriously, hot dog vendor?!?!! No free wi-fi?!?!! YOU SUCK!!!!
Which came first? The chicken soup or the egg drop soup?
Romeo and Costello
What time-zone is Heaven in? Because if it's too late there, I don't want to pray when God might be sleeping or masturbating or something.
Those 'orchid' painting by Vagina O'Keeffe remind me of something...
I hope he's never bisected because the "RIP Rip Torn torn" jokes would get old really fast.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Section 8 is low-income housing assistance? *That's* what Klinger was after with all those shenanigans?! M*A*S*H was weirder than I thought.
I saw a website that said I could get a car with bad credit. That's cool, but I'd rather get one with good gas mileage and a roomy interior.
Being born is an out-of-body experience.
I'm tempted to get a degree in Science Stuff just so I can put a vial of Important Liquid in that cool Spinning Machine.
I put my left leg in I pull my left leg out I put my left leg in and I shake it all about. And that's when the cop knew I was drunk driving.
I am starting to doubt my commitment to Sparkle Motion.
New product idea: The Lot's Wife salt shaker.
I haven't told many people this, but I was the World's Oldest Teenager for a split-second. (It was just before I turned twenty. Good times.)
Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ The river's futon laughs/ >My tears are soulblood/ *nobody understands me* (every poem, all at once)
Maybe "your hair looks like a scarecrow's crotch" sounds a lot worse than I meant. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I like scarecrows!
Does baby laxative make you poop out babies?
Please, call me Nate. Asshole is my father's name.
The euphemism "DNA evidence" sure does make it easier to talk about all the damn sperm that seems to be everywhere.
51 birds just flew by outside the window. It was OCDelightful!
Whenever I write 'myocardial infarction,' I like to dot the i's with little hearts.
With nonverbal communication, sometimes you can tell someone doesn't like you by the way they hold their gun against your head.
"Double-check your measurements before you double-wreck your measurements." -MC Carpenter
To me, the biggest surprise of 2011 was finding out that Morrissey was the Hamburglar. That was weird.
He said "one small step for man" instead of "A man." Embarrassingly ignorant. It's like we shouldn't have even gone to the moon. Damn.
That whole 'Jesus walking on water' miracle loses its power during winter when we can all do it.
Just because Mariah Carey was born from the ass of a jackal people automatically assume she's evil. Yeah, real open-minded, people.
HOT TIP: If you pee your pants, yell MY WATER BROKE! People will believe you. Plus, if you're a guy, it's just funny.
The way her mouth moved and sounds came out of it really spoke to me.
Just helped deliver a baby. It was to a sketchy part of town but fifty bucks is fifty bucks.
Yeah, Mormons, this 20-year-old is an Elder. Do you even know what words mean?
The good news: In Heaven, you get to lose your virginity again. It's lovely. The bad news: All religion is bullshit and there is no Heaven.
"I never asked to be assembled from corpses and given an unholy semblance of life!" -teenage Frankenstein's monster
Here's the church / And here's the steeple / Open it up and see / OH MY GOD! That priest is licking that little boy!
Do you remember being 5 years old? Yeah? Good job fancy-pants memory-master. Thanks for being a show-off. Why don't you go cure cancer now?!
I hate poetry but realizing that Jupiter and stupider rhyme makes me think there's a few more awful poems I need to get out of my system.
Was interested in genealogy until I found out I'm related to my father.
I don't mean to brag but I'm totally the best at everything.
I saw the best minds of my generation in half. With a fucking chainsaw. The End. (My favorite poem)
The cup being 'half empty' is actually optimistic when it's measuring your blood loss.
Have you heard? If you synch up Dark Side Of The Moon and The Wizard Of Oz it ruins your enjoyment of both and means you smoke too much pot.
Chaka's song "I'm Every Woman" scares the shit out of me. She's Sarah Palin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Wendy Carlos and Aileen Wuornos? No thank you.
WWJD? Loaf about at His dad's place for about two thousand years and not much else, apparently.
How many long-winded obfuscatory homo-sapiens does it take to install a replacement energy saving low-watt mini-fluorescent fixture?
I know it sounds jaded and cynical, but I'm starting to think most whores and thieves are just in it for the money.
Who's got two thumbs and loves to play drums? Not this guy! -Rick Allen
You can take that euphemism and shove it up your dump-truck.
When someone explodes it's fun to yell "find the neck! Check for a pulse!" It adds levity.
So you guys have African-Americans in England, too? Doesn't that get confusing? You probably call them Anglo-African-Americans, right?
I'm so sick of Thanksgiving commercialism. It's not even Halloween yet and the grocery stores are already selling turkey!
Think of the children!! (Except maybe when playing with yourself.)
Re: the Christian "footprints" poster- Why is Jesus carrying me on the beach? I hope no one saw that. Seems kinda weird. Are we a "couple?"
I get the Olsen twins mixed up. Which one looks like a diseased horse eating macaroni and which one looks an emaciated Mr. Clean in a wig?
"Nothing says I love you more than a single red rose." -Guy who's never heard of cunnilingus
"...so he opened the closet door and all his shirts were... RED!" -ending to spooky Star Trek campfire story
The sun will come out tomorrow. -Annie (I didn't even know the sun was in the closet.)
Indeterminate Grit #ScientificWesterns
Trains are just shitty rollercoasters.
Wootini, bitches! Woofuckingtini!! -Jawa fratboy
Curiosity killed the cat. ('Curiosity' is my kid brother's nickname for his hammer.)
Have you heard the self-titled Peter Gabriel album? (Makes you feel "in the know" to get that reference, right? You're welcome, smarties.)
Seriously, Luke was a pussy. How awesome would it be to have Darth Vader as your dad? Answer: VERY FUCKING AWESOME! Recap: Luke = pussy.
So, Prince's song '1999' is *really* about 2020. He sings "two thousand two zero" multiple times. That's one forward-thinking motha.
Shit, the x256 s01e01-e05.mkv files rocked fine from a thumb drive. Get the whole series. (talk like a pirate day)
Can't believe the horror of 10/10/321 is now over ten years behind us.
If I was named Cal, really into daisies, and didn't have a daisy, I'd describe myself as lackadaisycal. Also, everyone would wish I was dead.
Video games are dangerous. For instance, Pac-Man teaches kids they can eat all the dots and ghosts they want and not gain weight. NOT TRUE!
My dad sent me an email and wrote "there" instead of "they're." Stupid bastard is dead to me now.
How many towers does it take to turn people into flag-waving zombies in a country of diminishing rights? We may never know. . .
"Did your mom have any kids who lived?" (Not a good joke to use if you meet Casper.)
If life hands you lemons you're hallucinating. Life isn't a person you drug fiend.
What I really love about God is He only demands complete love and unquestioning obedience so as not to spend eternity in torment. Classy.
Hitler had the right idea. Do a painting and try to sell it. Yeah, I guess he got weird in his later life; still, selling paintings is cool.
Seriously, if the Sorting Hat takes your wish into consideration, why the fuck are there people in Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw?! Idiots.
If I could have dinner with anyone dead or alive, I'd pick someone dead since I know how to kill zombies and I could lead the conversation.
If you ever find yourself getting nailed to something, asking yourself "what would Jesus do?" probably won't help. (Just a heads up.)
My phone's ring is set to 'vibrate/high.' I wish I could set my life to that.
The part you never hear in the song is that he shot the Sheriff with insulin, saving his life, and the Deputy was jealous.
Rolling The Stones or Beatlemania?
Considering suicide but still concerned about my weight. How many calories are in 250 Ambien?
I can't believe some guys have trophy wives. Why the hell would you want a 4" little metal bride? Sickos.
Fun Math Trivia: If you took every Nascar fan and stood them head to feet toward the moon, most of them would die. Just a thought.
I don't want to sound racist, but horses all look alike to me. And they have really big teeth.
BREAKING NEWS! CBGBs announces plans to change name to Cribbage, Bingo, Gin-rummy & Bridge and to now be an old persons gaming venue.
If a hip-hop star dies at home, is that considered a crib death?
"I want to show you I like you by mashing my food & noise hole against yours." #KissingIsWeird
Working on a screenplay called "DefCon 5" where everything's okay. I don't like a lot of tension or conflict in movies. It makes me nervous.
Just fell down some steps and hurt my knee. JK! LOL! It was stairs.
So far, my beer garden has only sprouted a couple faceplants.
Sure would hate to have to kill myself today, because tomorrow holds such fucking promise and shit.
Me- "How's Nora? I'd like to hook up with her again." Him- "A psycho killed her kids and raped her to death." Me- "I've got the worst luck."
Me- "What ever became of that cute girl we called Dora The Exploder?" Him- "She exploded." Me- "Pssh. Figures."
Hate to sound critical, but this movie, Back Door Whore 8, obviously takes place in an apartment building and apartments don't have back doors. STUPID!!!
I have OCD. It's kind of like CDO but I don't put the letters in alphabetical order because I don't really have OCD. I have AIDS.
"Fancypants?" Hardly. Sure, the braided lace and gold knees may not be subtle, and the velvet cuffs are a tad much, but fancy? Not really.
"Pardon me, Mr. Flav, but I think you mean AAWA."
The food synthesizer will make vegans moot. Building from raw matter, no animals will be harmed for your bacon-wrapped veal. Go futurism!
If there's a God I just know that prick is gonna fuck me over for no good reason when I die.
Say what you want about global warming and shifting economic trends. No, really. Go ahead.
I'm not pro-life, I'm totally amateur.
You know what they say about a big carbon footprint: big carbon penis.
Who let the dogs out? Hopefully the house-sitter or that's gonna be one stinky mess 'o landmines when I get home.
Think of a number between 1 and 3. Was it 2? (No, I won't give away the secret to the trick, so don't ask.)
Supermodels are kind of like regular models, except they can fly.
I'm in an 11 step group for people who never finish anything.
Bad news. My sister was just diagnosed with full-blown cooties. My second opinion? She's also a stupidhead fartface.
If I planned to shoot people, I'd paint the gun's tip orange just to mess with them. They'd be all "that's a toy." Then BOOM! Surprise! :)
I'm enjoying an active lifestyle with my new hair! I can swim, eat bacon, masturbate, wear slippers, watch Nascar, with a full head of hair!
It would probably be awesome if someone did a performance art piece about their sexuality.
How many alchemists does it take to change a lightbulb (into gold)?
I think Chinese actors are the most professional. Just memorizing lines is hard, but to memorize them in Chinese? That's gotta be a bitch.
Not sure if it's an issue but I didn't pee all day yesterday. Mostly because peeing all day sounds really weird and painful.
"I'd like to spool up her FTL drive." -a virgin
Seriously, THOR movies? You couldn't use Leonard Nimoy's cover of "If I Had A Hammer" even once?
I just finished watching There Will Be Blood 2: Electric Boogaloo. Daniel Day Lewis is a great actor but can't breakdance for shit.
"I And I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." -Jamaican margarine brand
I think my friend Chaim Jewbergstein might be Jewish. Is it rude to ask?
Thought image of Jesus appeared on my taco. Closer inspection revealed it was just Robert Powell AS Jesus. Bummer.
When you're at the grocery store and see someone looking at a small piece of paper in their hand, it's safe to assume it's a Ziggy cartoon.
My son said his step-dad gave him the Bad Touch. Yeah, The Bad Touch doll for courts is expensive. He's a drunk perv and couldn't afford it.
Well, according to "The Law," pointing out people's flaws doesn't count as "Community Service." Yeah, THAT makes sense.
Almost put on my drinking shoes for a job interview I'm going to. That could have been a disaster.
So I shit on the couch. It's ALL my fault. Not vodka's. Whatever. I hope you're happy in your perfect world where you never shit on couches.
"Can't we all just get a long?" -guy that drew the short straw
The James Gang could maybe out-dance the Crips and Bloods, but as gangs go. . .
If you've ever seen your parents have sex, isn't it kinda disturbing if you pause the DVD and zoom in on their orgasm faces? Yuck.
Tuesday Weld is my favorite comic book super villain name from a lady who was never a comic book super villain.
Ever notice how the sound of lightning doesn't match the flash of light? Seems like someone would have fixed that A/V synch problem by now.
"Hmm. Robust. Notes of carrot and celery. Thick finish." -snob drinking V8
I bet the guy who invented spackle shit his pants the first time he saw Edward James Olmos' face.
If imagining myself as a giant standing on Venus and peeing on Mercury just to hear it sizzle is dreaming, then yeah, I'm a dreamer.