Twitter again, earlier

Surgeons get in sooo much trouble when they ask for roachclips instead of forceps during an operation.

Think I'm getting Carpal Tunnel from playing too much LEGO Requiem For A Dream on PS3. I'm totally addicted.

If we ever meet aliens I bet it's gonna be hard to explain actors and why they're paid so much.

Some gorram fracking muggle called me a nerd. Me. Can you believe that?!

Debt Collector is a job?! Damn! I've been collecting debt for years and never knew you could get paid for it.

Entropy (a poem)
Bo Derek is esoteric; osteoporosis!
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
I am alone.

Seems like over ten years since I've heard the phrase "cute as a plane crashing into a building." Anyone else notice that?

Cops don't like to be called "pigs" and women married to cops don't like to be called "pigfucker". Live and learn.

The Deer Crossing signs should point AWAY from the road so the deer can read them. They're not driving. Duh.

"Man, I wish this was real money." -something rich people don't say when playing Monopoly.

"Meet lots of people." -One of the six decrees of Kevin Bacon

I hate the designation "walking distance". It presupposes so much about my desire and laziness. "Cheap cab ride" sounds more realistic.

Rake That Yard and Walk The Dog are the worst Wii games I *ever* played. The magic of the game Putting Away Dishes seems like a gimmick now.

Am I the only one terrified that the Energizer Bunny seems to shatter everything we thought we knew about 'perpetual motion'?

You call that a 'rare' steak?! THAT SHIT IS MAINSTREAM AND COMMON!

Class, town, heartbeats, rope and stones. Yeah, I've done my share of skipping.

Are we supposed to call "Baby Jessica" "Adult Jessica" now that she's in her twenties?

Seeing's how so many Jews were killed in The Holodeck, it's surprising more people don't boycott Star Trek.

Good news! Turns out my memories of satanic ritual abuse were merely cover-memories for alien abduction. What a relief.

Don't think I'd like to die by the guillotine. I doubt they clean that blade well, if it all. It could be covered with AIDS and stuff.

"Isn't it funny when stuff happens?" (Nonobservational Humor)

I try not to judge people. They're so stupid and ugly it's not worth my time.

Children are our future.
Our future ends in death.
Therefore CHILDREN ARE DEATH!

Did you ever have that dream where you forgot to wear pants? Seems like something a creepy pervert like you would dream.

When a white person from Johannesburg moves to the U.S. they become an African-American.

Alcoholic geometry- point becomes line, line becomes plane, plane becomes solid, solid becomes weird and loud watery stools.

One thing I know for sure: little kids love the Fibonacci sequence. Well, at least until age 6 or so and then it's Monroe Doctrine Fever!

Hope to see everyone in Mexico this September for Burning Mang.

You blow up one lousy building and everyone forgets you won 2nd place in a spelling bee and know how to juggle. You're just a "terrorist".

I plan to rewrite Finnegans Wake. Only my version won't be so dumbed-down and laugh-out-loud funny. Mine will be important and meaningful.

I knew Dr. Pepper when he was still a pre-med party animal. I sure don't miss him running around naked and pissing, screaming PEPPERSPRAY!

While most people imagine an Orville Redenbacher-type, radio personality Paul Harvey looked almost exactly like Michael Clarke Duncan.

If someone makes a Firefly movie of Mal / Jayne slashfic the theme's chorus should be "You can't take this guy from me."

I always pee into my coffee. That way, if someone steals it or takes a sip, ha ha. Jokes on them!

Never throw a baby in anger.

Just got an email from Nigeria. Hint- looks like I'll have a great year. $$$

Poor people play quarters as a drinking game, rich people play Spanish doubloons.

Something you never hear: "Oh, you mean THAT Hitler."

MLK, I have a similar dream about racial equality but in mine I'm back in high school, not wearing pants and forgot my locker combination.

Zen is all fun and games until someone loses an I.

Everyday is Take Your Daughter To Work Day until she fixes her damn car.

Everyday is Take Your Daughter To Work Day if you pack your lunch with delicious Soylent Green!

I love The Breakfast Club. That's what I call my frozen roll of sausage I use to thwack people upside the head.

I have a post-it note labeled "The Alamo" so I don't forget.

Boy, I sure hope God never becomes an alcoholic because if he does, and then joins AA, that whole higher-power thing might be a problem.

Dear whoever said "Think of what you have instead of what you want" - Instead of thinking I WANT to hit you I should think I HAVE to hit you?

You look like a chick who's not all uptight about getting abortions. #worstpickuplines

Turns out "You are the one from my dreams of blood" isn't the great pick-up line it sounds like. (Even if it's not their blood.)

Here's my impression of every interior decorator: "I see a completely different room here." (short version)

When I go to someone's house and their dog sniffs my crotch I say "it probably smells my dog. We just had sex."

What they don't mention is the tears of a clown usually happen on the faces of those around the clown.

I bet if we described the Superbowl and the Oscars to blind people, in real time, they'd be ashamed of us.

I'm balls-deep in my month of abstinence.

I got a golden ticket! For reckless endangerment and DUI on the tarnished gold streets of East Heaven.

Klaatu Brianna Nikto would be a great name for a girl.

Every time I see "LOOOOOL!" as someone's post I feel sad. Just because you studder, you don't have to type it. We can't hear you; fake it.

If I killed and ate kittens, I'd try to find a way to do it for charity. You know, so it wouldn't seem so bad.

When that burrito came out the other end it smelled the way Hannah Montana sounds. (Like shit.)

I bet all the new-hires at the Hydrogen Bomb Factory make a hydrogen peroxide joke and the old-timers just groan.

She's on her .

If I ever pull a Jonestown deal I might suggest "bring your own" poisoned Kool-Aid. That stuff ain't as cheap as it used to be.

The time difference between Chicago and LA is EXACTLY two hours. Man, we got lucky on that. If it was like 82 minutes that'd be so annoying.

I always forget the words to that old Meow Mix jingle. "Meow Meow Meow" something.

Other than wishing death on those who have wronged me, I don't believe in holding a grudge.

Never murder when angry. Plan that shit out. Don't be stupid.

That psychological episodic drama about a shipwreck that leads to cannibalism called HUNGRY? 6 "story notes" later it was Gilligan's Island.

Sorry for the mix-up. I didn't mean Schindler. I found that stuff on Craig's list. Sorry.

The Twilight series is probably the best story about sparkly vampires and muffin-eating werewolves since Punky Brewster or thirtysomething.

It burns when I pee. Is that normal? Sometimes it burns a DVD of Gummo. That happens to everyone, right?

I bet tit collectors hate hearing people yell "show us your tits" during Mardi Gras.

Learned the hard way: Order your meal with care. While piece of cod and codpiece sound very similar . . .

Whenever I'm upset and yell "Jesus" and then He says "yes, my child," I always yell "you're not my real dad! You're just my mom's husband!"

"Not every guy with a soul-patch is an idiot." -some fucking tool with a soul-patch