23 August 2012


Some more shit
by Meat Trademark

Remember, folks, after you sneeze, if you use Kleenex brand, don’t throw that tissue away just yet.  You can read it like you’d read tea leaves or tarot cards.  Just take the tissue, reopen it up to it’s full flat area and set it on a table.  Then get a ruler, I’ll wait.

Good, but that sure took a while didn’t it? 

Now, first, did you sneeze directly into the middle of the tissue or off-center? 

If you sneezed directly into the center, expect either a raise or a death in the family soon. 

Is it to the left or right, top or bottom? 

Measure from the edges to middle. 

Is the snot and/or saliva more to the left than to the right, more to the bottom than to the top? 

If the snot is two inches from the left and two inches from the top, anticipate an unexpected guest in the next two days. 

If the snot is three inc


                                 etrist told me my eyes aren’t receiving enough cathode.  As a corrective measure, I’ve begun a regime of seventeen hours of TV a day for three weeks and two days-  Wake up. Watch TV.  Watch some more TV.  Eat (in front of TV).  Write, during boring parts.  Watch TV.  Eat again (in front of TV).  Watch TV.  Eat again (in front of TV).  Sleep.

By my calculations, I view some 500 commercials daily.  Food, booze, cars and household goods, over and over and over. 
Saturday is toy commercial day.  Toys like:

SURGERY!-  Where kids learn how to cut one of their toes off, and sew it back on with only minor nerve damage!  And the companion game:

AUTOPSY!-  Kids learn to dissect corpses, trying to establish cause of death.  (Includes two human corpses, scalpel, X-Ray machine, bone-saw, formaldehyde, and much more!  Ages 12 and up.)

My 1st Abiogenesis Kit-  Teaches kids how to create life from nonliving matter.  Experiments include silicone-based life, merging chromosomes, changing nucleic acids, the restructurization of DNA, animating water, and more.

Fisher Price Tattoo Gun-  Comes with instructions, templates, and a year’s supply of ink.

Sharp Water- Looks like water, tastes like water, smells like water, but watch out!  It’s sharp!

Children’s Russian Roulette- All the fun of the adult game, without the messy cleanup.  (Blanks sold separately.)

Teen Pregnancy board game- Teaches children about babies, abortion, and true love.

Lil’ Hypodermic Needles- Kit includes 24 syringes, a pre-bent spoon, Bunsen burner, 24 cotton swabs, tourniquet, and instructions.  (All needles have been used once, for testing.  Ages 9 and up.)

Baby’s First Download- The original and still the best digital diaper on the market. Now available without prescription.  (Not available in the original thirteen colonies.)

Poopy Baby- The doll actually shits!  Learn about diapers and cleanup!  (Diapers, fake poop, batteries, clothes, baby powder, packaging, instructions, and head sold separately.)

Preschool Golden Seal- Herbal tea that helps four year olds pass their drug test to get into kindergarten.  (Now with better protection against Schedule IV drugs!)

Einstein’s Secret Unified Field Theory- ユヤサネカホツォーテラ゚ 
(Instructions not included.  Updates available for service charge.  Ages 30 and up.)

“Stray Bullet Jackson” inaction figure- Life-like head wound!  Figure lies around leaking blood (not included).  Kit includes: dead doll, movable chalk outline, and two spent 9mm shells.

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