The Home of Breaking News, Shitty Joke Dump, VERY Short Plays and all kinds of Other Bullshit. FNORD.
21 August 2012
(An excerpt from my autobiography)
First off, a couple notes for context: this was written when I was
dating the Greek Goddess of Chaos, Eris, and this particular event took
place while she was Offworld doing whatever she does when she's not
home. Also, when we started dating my life began having a literal
soundtrack. Okay. Let's do this.
Not many people realize that
Kurt Russel is a powerful magician. He's not just a guy who felt “kinda
invincible” in that Big Trouble in Little China movie, he's also a
practicing guerrilla sorcerer. He comes over every few months to ‘read’
me and realign my libido and rotate my chakra (so they wear out evenly,
he always tells me). One week, I secretly replaced one of my chakra
with the new Folgers crystals and I secretly taped it without his
knowledge, so let’s check it out.
[Kurt enters, takes off overcoat, sits]
“Nathan. How are you?” He’s the only person that calls me Nathan.
Everyone else calls me Nate (except, of course, Calls Everyone Spanky).
“Pretty good, Snake. And you?” (He asked me to call him Snake.)
“Ahn, shit, well, I can’t complain. Wouldn't say no to a beer if you
offered. Just finished up doing a commentary with the Old Man.” That's
what he calls John Carpenter. “Wait.” He jumps up and approaches me.
He takes the last step slower, as if penetrating a barrier. He puts one
hand on my chest and one hand on my head. “There’s something very
wrong.” He grabs my head and pulls me to a standing position, and then
waves his hands over my head. With a pulling motion he lowers them to
my chest and begins wide circling motions over my body. Then, with the
slightest tugging, he slowly brings his hands back to him. They are
cupped. When he opens them they are full of coffee. “What is this?”
I look at him and smile. “Oh, that’s where that went! I’ve been
looking for that.” I outstretch my palms and he wordlessly pours the
coffee into my hands.
That’s when I noticed it was vibrating
subtly. My smile dropped like a 16 ton cartoon weight. It was... As I
brought it to my face to smell it, novelty turned to trepidation. I
could hear the coffee. It seemed to be whistling a catchy little ditty.
Familiar as hell. Oh, I know this tune it’s- HOLY SHIT!
“Snake, what exactly did you do?”
“I took out everything that wasn’t supposed to be there.”
He had taken my Madness in Theory and Practice theme music out
inadvertently when he exorcised me. It was mixed in with the coffee. I
feel so empty and naked now. I never realized how much I took my
wonderful chesty little music for granted. I miss it already. It was
like a magnet pulling me forward into the future.
going to like this. She’s gonna be soooo mad at us. Him for taking it
out, and me for fucking with my chakra in the first place.
What the fuck was I thinking? Oh yeah. It’s fucking brilliant.
That’s what I was thinking. I’ve sure learned my lesson. Next time
will be much more thought out. . .