21 August 2012


(An excerpt from my autobiography)

First off, a couple notes for context: this was written when I was dating the Greek Goddess of Chaos, Eris, and this particular event took place while she was Offworld doing whatever she does when she's not home. Also, when we started dating my life began having a literal soundtrack. Okay. Let's do this.

Not many people realize that Kurt Russel is a powerful magician. He's not just a guy who felt “kinda invincible” in that Big Trouble in Little China movie, he's also a practicing guerrilla sorcerer. He comes over every few months to ‘read’ me and realign my libido and rotate my chakra (so they wear out evenly, he always tells me). One week, I secretly replaced one of my chakra with the new Folgers crystals and I secretly taped it without his knowledge, so let’s check it out.

[Kurt enters, takes off overcoat, sits]

“Nathan. How are you?” He’s the only person that calls me Nathan. Everyone else calls me Nate (except, of course, Calls Everyone Spanky).

“Pretty good, Snake. And you?” (He asked me to call him Snake.)

“Ahn, shit, well, I can’t complain. Wouldn't say no to a beer if you offered. Just finished up doing a commentary with the Old Man.” That's what he calls John Carpenter. “Wait.” He jumps up and approaches me. He takes the last step slower, as if penetrating a barrier. He puts one hand on my chest and one hand on my head. “There’s something very wrong.” He grabs my head and pulls me to a standing position, and then waves his hands over my head. With a pulling motion he lowers them to my chest and begins wide circling motions over my body. Then, with the slightest tugging, he slowly brings his hands back to him. They are cupped. When he opens them they are full of coffee. “What is this?”

I look at him and smile. “Oh, that’s where that went! I’ve been looking for that.” I outstretch my palms and he wordlessly pours the coffee into my hands.

That’s when I noticed it was vibrating subtly. My smile dropped like a 16 ton cartoon weight. It was... As I brought it to my face to smell it, novelty turned to trepidation. I could hear the coffee. It seemed to be whistling a catchy little ditty. Familiar as hell. Oh, I know this tune it’s- HOLY SHIT!

“Snake, what exactly did you do?”

“I took out everything that wasn’t supposed to be there.”

He had taken my Madness in Theory and Practice theme music out inadvertently when he exorcised me. It was mixed in with the coffee. I feel so empty and naked now. I never realized how much I took my wonderful chesty little music for granted. I miss it already. It was like a magnet pulling me forward into the future.

Eris isn’t going to like this. She’s gonna be soooo mad at us. Him for taking it out, and me for fucking with my chakra in the first place.


What the fuck was I thinking? Oh yeah. It’s fucking brilliant. That’s what I was thinking. I’ve sure learned my lesson. Next time will be much more thought out. . .

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