I AM YOUR SLICE OF LIFE 

by meat™

Spare any change, ma'am? Spare change, sir? Spare 50 cents for a beer, man? Can you spare a little change today?

That's me.

Someone hands me a quarter and my hand shakes so bad that I drop it and it rolls down the sidewalk and into the gutter. Stops just before the grate which I'd normally consider a sign of good luck. If there wasn't a little kid standing there looking down at the quarter. I stop myself from yelling terrible things at the child because the guy is still right there. Standing right next to me. He might replace the quarter if I seem like someone other than a bitter alcoholic. It works. The guy watches me watch the kid take my quarter. The look on my face is sad, which I don't fake, then I force myself to smile a bit, like somebody who's happy to see happy kids find happy money happy happy. He keeps watching me and smiles also. All these fucking smiles are making me feel sick. Still, I hold the edges of the smile, hoping to not get any of it on me, and more importantly sell it.

Like I said. It worked.

He pulls out his wallet, hands me a fiver and says, “Go get a drink and something to eat, okay?” Fucking smiles again and leaves as I say thanks. I drop the smile and step on it as I walk away. I can get two pitchers of piss-water crap beer at the Bullet for five bucks and that stupid little shit can do whatever he wants with my quarter.

I pick up my pace to nearly a jog. I need a cigarette, too, but there's really no point trying to roll one before I've had a couple drinks.

At the bar I find my thoughts right where I left them. I also find my thoughts returning to that little kid. Re: me wishing ill on him. Hoping he'll buy a piece of candy or gum that turns out to be poisoned. Or getting hit by a car as he's running across the street or something. I'm surprised by the morbidity of my thoughts and immediately grow depressed. Well, more depressed. Why are my thoughts so fucked up? I am by no means an old guy, though I feel it. Am I jealous of the quarter? I shouldn't be. Hell, I made five bucks off it.

I'm sicker than I can ever realize. Is everyone?

PAUSE

Now I've had a couple beers and a poorly rolled smoke. The shakes are starting to go away, but like any unwanted guest, they'll return. At least I feel okay right now. That's what counts, right? The beer and mind are cold; pacified. The bartender even gave me a free shot of whiskey. She usually does. Nothing kills the shakes faster. Sure 151 and Everclear are stronger, but nothing says drinking like the flavor of whiskey. It's uphill from here.

I don't really wish ill on that kid do I? How have I become so fucked up? Like age, personality just creeps up on you. Jumps on you when you're unaware and forces you to look at yourself. And also like age, it usually isn't good news. You're old. You're an asshole. You're getting more unpleasant. You're a thirty year old alcoholic bastard wishing terrible things on children. You suck. You should be ashamed.

Sometimes I am.

But here I am, drinking away someone else's money and hating the world and not feeling much shame at all. Mostly just feeling alcohol and nicotine.

My cheeks are starting to go numb a bit. I'm on the path. It's a little different for everyone. When I drink, I usually feel it in my cheeks first. Well, after the initial burst of heat that courses my circulatory system. Still, the cheeks go first then the rest of the body plays catch-up.

I ask the bartender, Amanda, for some popcorn (free, of course) and find myself in the day's first real conversation.

“Popcorn? Sure. How you doing today?”

“Same as ever.” My rote reply.

“You feeling okay?”

“Kinda depressed. Weird day. Starting to think I might be one of the bad guys.”

“What? You? Here. Have another shot. Hush. It's on the house.”

“Thanks a lot, Amanda. I've always loved you.”

“And you always will. Now shut up and I'll be back with some 'corn.”

Not a lot, but that's about as big as my conversations get anymore. It used be a lot different. Before the incident.

I traded the outside world and “normal” life for a monkey and not much else, really. And still feel fine with the trade.

I'm homeless and a drunkard but am I any less valuable to the world than a financial advisor to a marketing firm specializing in gas stations? Who's more deluded? Beer tastes better than lies.

Yeah yeah. I hear you. I lied earlier with my smile. Marketed myself. It's all a stupid game. When I can't even pull that bit of bullshit game-playing off I will kill myself. Hopefully soon. Not too soon, however. I have half a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey in front of me and some popcorn. Ahh, life. Nope. No time for suicide at the moment.

The thought of getting a job arises, very briefly, and is easily suppressed. I usually make enough by spare-changing. I'm still alive right?

Don't get me wrong. I don't think the world owes me or anything. I just don't like the world.

Here's me:
I have terrible vision and can't see much more than 20 or 30 feet away yet I don't want glasses. That about says it.

I take another pull off my beer and then slowly pour the shot into my mouth. As I swallow it, I wish it wasn't well-whiskey but Maker's Mark or a single malt scotch. Even though it's free, I still complain. At least to myself. Then I slide the shot glass forward yelling FILL IT UP AGAIN in my head. Amanda walks over, picks up the glass and asks, “Ready for another pitcher?” I nod. She complies, taking the remaining money and not making any qualm or hint about the lack of a tip I always (don't) leave.

When she brings the beer she also brings some more popcorn. I look at the last bowl and see it's empty. I have no memory whatsoever of eating it; I must be really starving. Nodding my thanks I grab a handful and eat it. I wash it down with the last swig from my pint glass officially killing the first pitcher. I suddenly realize I haven't eaten anything other than popcorn for quite a few days now. It's a thought that can only hold my interest for as long as it takes to think. So what. I pour another beer and roll another smoke.


This time, my hands do not shake at all.


##

Twitter again, earlier

Surgeons get in sooo much trouble when they ask for roachclips instead of forceps during an operation.

Think I'm getting Carpal Tunnel from playing too much LEGO Requiem For A Dream on PS3. I'm totally addicted.

If we ever meet aliens I bet it's gonna be hard to explain actors and why they're paid so much.

Some gorram fracking muggle called me a nerd. Me. Can you believe that?!

Debt Collector is a job?! Damn! I've been collecting debt for years and never knew you could get paid for it.

Entropy (a poem)
Bo Derek is esoteric; osteoporosis!
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
I am alone.

Seems like over ten years since I've heard the phrase "cute as a plane crashing into a building." Anyone else notice that?

Cops don't like to be called "pigs" and women married to cops don't like to be called "pigfucker". Live and learn.

The Deer Crossing signs should point AWAY from the road so the deer can read them. They're not driving. Duh.

"Man, I wish this was real money." -something rich people don't say when playing Monopoly.

"Meet lots of people." -One of the six decrees of Kevin Bacon

I hate the designation "walking distance". It presupposes so much about my desire and laziness. "Cheap cab ride" sounds more realistic.

Rake That Yard and Walk The Dog are the worst Wii games I *ever* played. The magic of the game Putting Away Dishes seems like a gimmick now.

Am I the only one terrified that the Energizer Bunny seems to shatter everything we thought we knew about 'perpetual motion'?

You call that a 'rare' steak?! THAT SHIT IS MAINSTREAM AND COMMON!

Class, town, heartbeats, rope and stones. Yeah, I've done my share of skipping.

Are we supposed to call "Baby Jessica" "Adult Jessica" now that she's in her twenties?

Seeing's how so many Jews were killed in The Holodeck, it's surprising more people don't boycott Star Trek.

Good news! Turns out my memories of satanic ritual abuse were merely cover-memories for alien abduction. What a relief.

Don't think I'd like to die by the guillotine. I doubt they clean that blade well, if it all. It could be covered with AIDS and stuff.

"Isn't it funny when stuff happens?" (Nonobservational Humor)

I try not to judge people. They're so stupid and ugly it's not worth my time.

Children are our future.
Our future ends in death.
Therefore CHILDREN ARE DEATH!

Did you ever have that dream where you forgot to wear pants? Seems like something a creepy pervert like you would dream.

When a white person from Johannesburg moves to the U.S. they become an African-American.

Alcoholic geometry- point becomes line, line becomes plane, plane becomes solid, solid becomes weird and loud watery stools.

One thing I know for sure: little kids love the Fibonacci sequence. Well, at least until age 6 or so and then it's Monroe Doctrine Fever!

Hope to see everyone in Mexico this September for Burning Mang.

You blow up one lousy building and everyone forgets you won 2nd place in a spelling bee and know how to juggle. You're just a "terrorist".

I plan to rewrite Finnegans Wake. Only my version won't be so dumbed-down and laugh-out-loud funny. Mine will be important and meaningful.

I knew Dr. Pepper when he was still a pre-med party animal. I sure don't miss him running around naked and pissing, screaming PEPPERSPRAY!

While most people imagine an Orville Redenbacher-type, radio personality Paul Harvey looked almost exactly like Michael Clarke Duncan.

If someone makes a Firefly movie of Mal / Jayne slashfic the theme's chorus should be "You can't take this guy from me."

I always pee into my coffee. That way, if someone steals it or takes a sip, ha ha. Jokes on them!

Never throw a baby in anger.

Just got an email from Nigeria. Hint- looks like I'll have a great year. $$$

Poor people play quarters as a drinking game, rich people play Spanish doubloons.

Something you never hear: "Oh, you mean THAT Hitler."

MLK, I have a similar dream about racial equality but in mine I'm back in high school, not wearing pants and forgot my locker combination.

Zen is all fun and games until someone loses an I.

Everyday is Take Your Daughter To Work Day until she fixes her damn car.

Everyday is Take Your Daughter To Work Day if you pack your lunch with delicious Soylent Green!

I love The Breakfast Club. That's what I call my frozen roll of sausage I use to thwack people upside the head.

I have a post-it note labeled "The Alamo" so I don't forget.

Boy, I sure hope God never becomes an alcoholic because if he does, and then joins AA, that whole higher-power thing might be a problem.

Dear whoever said "Think of what you have instead of what you want" - Instead of thinking I WANT to hit you I should think I HAVE to hit you?

You look like a chick who's not all uptight about getting abortions. #worstpickuplines

Turns out "You are the one from my dreams of blood" isn't the great pick-up line it sounds like. (Even if it's not their blood.)

Here's my impression of every interior decorator: "I see a completely different room here." (short version)

When I go to someone's house and their dog sniffs my crotch I say "it probably smells my dog. We just had sex."

What they don't mention is the tears of a clown usually happen on the faces of those around the clown.

I bet if we described the Superbowl and the Oscars to blind people, in real time, they'd be ashamed of us.

I'm balls-deep in my month of abstinence.

I got a golden ticket! For reckless endangerment and DUI on the tarnished gold streets of East Heaven.

Klaatu Brianna Nikto would be a great name for a girl.

Every time I see "LOOOOOL!" as someone's post I feel sad. Just because you studder, you don't have to type it. We can't hear you; fake it.

If I killed and ate kittens, I'd try to find a way to do it for charity. You know, so it wouldn't seem so bad.

When that burrito came out the other end it smelled the way Hannah Montana sounds. (Like shit.)

I bet all the new-hires at the Hydrogen Bomb Factory make a hydrogen peroxide joke and the old-timers just groan.

She's on her .

If I ever pull a Jonestown deal I might suggest "bring your own" poisoned Kool-Aid. That stuff ain't as cheap as it used to be.

The time difference between Chicago and LA is EXACTLY two hours. Man, we got lucky on that. If it was like 82 minutes that'd be so annoying.

I always forget the words to that old Meow Mix jingle. "Meow Meow Meow" something.

Other than wishing death on those who have wronged me, I don't believe in holding a grudge.

Never murder when angry. Plan that shit out. Don't be stupid.

That psychological episodic drama about a shipwreck that leads to cannibalism called HUNGRY? 6 "story notes" later it was Gilligan's Island.

Sorry for the mix-up. I didn't mean Schindler. I found that stuff on Craig's list. Sorry.

The Twilight series is probably the best story about sparkly vampires and muffin-eating werewolves since Punky Brewster or thirtysomething.

It burns when I pee. Is that normal? Sometimes it burns a DVD of Gummo. That happens to everyone, right?

I bet tit collectors hate hearing people yell "show us your tits" during Mardi Gras.

Learned the hard way: Order your meal with care. While piece of cod and codpiece sound very similar . . .

Whenever I'm upset and yell "Jesus" and then He says "yes, my child," I always yell "you're not my real dad! You're just my mom's husband!"

"Not every guy with a soul-patch is an idiot." -some fucking tool with a soul-patch

Some of the madness I've lived with:

I believed I was abducted by aliens from age 7 to mid-thirties. During one of my "abductions" (about 8 years old) I took a floating robotic alien emissary on a tour of my house describing the rooms and appliances and their functions. It was the first time I really thought about a water-heater.

I've been in someone else's mind for about 9 hours while they lived a day in their reality. It was the most fucked-up thing I ever experienced. The thoughts in my head were not mine. They weren't terrifying in content, but were terrifying in their other-ness and foreign-ness. I ceased to be me.

For about 3 years I believed I was a vampire. When I was in eighth grade I lived in California briefly. I met a weird guy named Zach who told me he was a vampire. I didn't believe him. He dared me to drink some of his blood. I did. Strange things seemed to start happening to me soon afterwards. Placebo effects, gullibility, wanting it, etc, probably. But when I moved back to LaPorte, Indiana a couple other people seemed to notice things too, like an occasional lack of reflection or extra-fast movement. I also grew an increased sensitivity to sunlight then that remains to this day.

The Illuminati were after me because I knew too much and they knew it because they knew the books I special-ordered from the bookstore. At one point I literally believed they had underground bunkers and tunnel systems to be in people's yards.

∞

Awwww. What a cute never-ending Hell. Happy Groundhog Day you poor sad Jack Russell Terrier!

Twitter

MY BEST TWEETS 
IN MY OPINION
FROM THE LAST 2 YEARS
No meaningful order.


Pride? Meh. Not my favorite Deadly Sin. A Gay SLOTH Parade? Yeah. That might be cool.

I'm really into crowd-sourced yoga.

I'm 1/3 vegan.

"Does the demon raping the baby have to be smoking a cigarette?" -Hollywood

"High School Musical 3 didn't seem to burn with the same passion as the first 2, yet it was still amazing." -My Nemesis

I'm not a sugar daddy. I'm a high fructose corn syrup daddy.

Yeah, I figure geosynchronous is probably my favorite kind of orbit. If I had to pick just one.

Did we ever find out the deal with airplane food?

Nothing against Jews, but if I was picking a God, I'd go for one who's not allergic to shellfish, afraid of fire and doesn't hate women.

Just watched a documentary on racism. I never knew there were so many African-Americans in Africa.

Right now, preachers across the nation are re-enforcing the beliefs of people, and boring the fuck out of their smarter children.

I only read Lactating Cum-Guzzlers magazine for the articles.

Just because I forgot your name doesn't automatically make me a terrible person. I have bad memory and usually call you "mom."

Sledge-hammer! Bench-press! Weight-lifting! (Sorry about the strong language.)

Wait, on the first Christmas, only one kid got gifts and they weren't even age appropriate? We've definitely made progress there!

On a new diet. How many calories are in about 6 fl. oz. of orphan's tears?

People brag about how you can find out anything on the internet. Then why can't I find out how many calories are in a five-month-old fetus?!

Home root-canals are killing the Dental industry. Stop the madness!

King Kong ate 666 skunks, shit it into a hole, covered it with eggs, let it rot a month, then pissed on it. That's how he created patchouli!

Romantic Nihilist to their love: "We'll always have nothing."

I want to make a low-brow existential film called Dude, Why's My Car?

"What a great picture! Clear, detailed, well-composed. Well, let's crop it and fuck it up with bad color and grainy filters!" -Instagram

Peas are great if you like shitty vegetables that taste like dirt and dust.

I wonder if the guy who thought up fluorescent light bulbs had that moment where an incandescent bulb lit up over his head.

Ah yes, the familiar old story of the cop, years from retirement, who plays by the rules and the hooker with a heart of muscle and blood.

"I observed a beautiful woman earlier. I wonder how much I changed her." -Quantum Physicist

Guys, I just heard that the TV show The Wire was pretty good. Anyone else hear this?

JAZZ FUSION: It's all about the notes we *do* play.

Do you think there were false steps like Peach Wellington, or do you think that dude hit on beef right out of the gate?

"Take only pictures, leave only footprints." -slogan for environmentalists and throat-stomping pornographers

There is no war except xenoclass war.  #OWS #OccupyWhitleyStrieber

If I was a vegan I'd be *SO* embarrassed knowing that I'm LITERALLY made out of meat.

I can't decide which is my favorite Sue Grafton novel, A is for Apple or J is for Jack.

Did you know that the sentence "The lazy brown fox, etc." contains some of the letters of the alphabet?

Given the laws today, if someone is gonna bust you for selling pot, kill them. You get a lighter sentence for murder.

When I take a drink of wine I always say, "those are some good tannens!" That lets people know I'm classy.

If I accept Jesus into my heart, should I change my relationship status to "It's Complicated?"

After saving all those different animals, Noah must've hated hearing that most of them tasted like chicken.

The scientists at Tide have the whitest lab coats of ALL scientists.

Sure, I hate Trekkies, but more than that, who I *REALLY* hate are the fucking Klingons. Screw those war-mongering pricks! 'IwlIj jachjaj!

Seriously, hot dog vendor?!?!! No free wi-fi?!?!! YOU SUCK!!!!

Which came first? The chicken soup or the egg drop soup?

Romeo and Costello

What time-zone is Heaven in? Because if it's too late there, I don't want to pray when God might be sleeping or masturbating or something.

Those 'orchid' painting by Vagina O'Keeffe remind me of something...

I hope he's never bisected because the "RIP Rip Torn torn" jokes would get old really fast.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Section 8 is low-income housing assistance? *That's* what Klinger was after with all those shenanigans?! M*A*S*H was weirder than I thought.

I saw a website that said I could get a car with bad credit. That's cool, but I'd rather get one with good gas mileage and a roomy interior.

Being born is an out-of-body experience.

I'm tempted to get a degree in Science Stuff just so I can put a vial of Important Liquid in that cool Spinning Machine.

I put my left leg in I pull my left leg out I put my left leg in and I shake it all about. And that's when the cop knew I was drunk driving.

I am starting to doubt my commitment to Sparkle Motion.

New product idea: The Lot's Wife salt shaker.

I haven't told many people this, but I was the World's Oldest Teenager for a split-second. (It was just before I turned twenty. Good times.)

Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ The river's futon laughs/ >My tears are soulblood/ *nobody understands me*    (every poem, all at once)

Maybe "your hair looks like a scarecrow's crotch" sounds a lot worse than I meant. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I like scarecrows!

Does baby laxative make you poop out babies?

Please, call me Nate. Asshole is my father's name.

The euphemism "DNA evidence" sure does make it easier to talk about all the damn sperm that seems to be everywhere.

51 birds just flew by outside the window. It was OCDelightful!

Whenever I write 'myocardial infarction,' I like to dot the i's with little hearts.

With nonverbal communication, sometimes you can tell someone doesn't like you by the way they hold their gun against your head.

"Double-check your measurements before you double-wreck your measurements." -MC Carpenter

To me, the biggest surprise of 2011 was finding out that Morrissey was the Hamburglar. That was weird.

He said "one small step for man" instead of "A man." Embarrassingly ignorant. It's like we shouldn't have even gone to the moon. Damn.

That whole 'Jesus walking on water' miracle loses its power during winter when we can all do it.

Just because Mariah Carey was born from the ass of a jackal people automatically assume she's evil. Yeah, real open-minded, people.

HOT TIP: If you pee your pants, yell MY WATER BROKE! People will believe you. Plus, if you're a guy, it's just funny.

The way her mouth moved and sounds came out of it really spoke to me.

Just helped deliver a baby. It was to a sketchy part of town but fifty bucks is fifty bucks.

Yeah, Mormons, this 20-year-old is an Elder. Do you even know what words mean?

The good news: In Heaven, you get to lose your virginity again. It's lovely. The bad news: All religion is bullshit and there is no Heaven.

"I never asked to be assembled from corpses and given an unholy semblance of life!" -teenage Frankenstein's monster

Here's the church / And here's the steeple / Open it up and see / OH MY GOD! That priest is licking that little boy!

Do you remember being 5 years old? Yeah? Good job fancy-pants memory-master. Thanks for being a show-off. Why don't you go cure cancer now?!

I hate poetry but realizing that Jupiter and stupider rhyme makes me think there's a few more awful poems I need to get out of my system.

Was interested in genealogy until I found out I'm related to my father.

I don't mean to brag but I'm totally the best at everything.

I saw the best minds of my generation in half. With a fucking chainsaw. The End. (My favorite poem)

The cup being 'half empty' is actually optimistic when it's measuring your blood loss.

Have you heard? If you synch up Dark Side Of The Moon and The Wizard Of Oz it ruins your enjoyment of both and means you smoke too much pot.

Chaka's song "I'm Every Woman" scares the shit out of me. She's Sarah Palin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Wendy Carlos and Aileen Wuornos? No thank you.

WWJD? Loaf about at His dad's place for about two thousand years and not much else, apparently.

How many long-winded obfuscatory homo-sapiens does it take to install a replacement energy saving low-watt mini-fluorescent fixture?

I know it sounds jaded and cynical, but I'm starting to think most whores and thieves are just in it for the money.

Who's got two thumbs and loves to play drums? Not this guy! -Rick Allen

You can take that euphemism and shove it up your dump-truck.

When someone explodes it's fun to yell "find the neck! Check for a pulse!" It adds levity.

So you guys have African-Americans in England, too? Doesn't that get confusing? You probably call them Anglo-African-Americans, right?

I'm so sick of Thanksgiving commercialism. It's not even Halloween yet and the grocery stores are already selling turkey!

Think of the children!! (Except maybe when playing with yourself.)

Re: the Christian "footprints" poster- Why is Jesus carrying me on the beach? I hope no one saw that. Seems kinda weird. Are we a "couple?"

I get the Olsen twins mixed up. Which one looks like a diseased horse eating macaroni and which one looks an emaciated Mr. Clean in a wig?

"Nothing says I love you more than a single red rose." -Guy who's never heard of cunnilingus

"...so he opened the closet door and all his shirts were... RED!" -ending to spooky Star Trek campfire story

The sun will come out tomorrow. -Annie (I didn't even know the sun was in the closet.)

Indeterminate Grit #ScientificWesterns

Trains are just shitty rollercoasters.

Wootini, bitches! Woofuckingtini!! -Jawa fratboy

Curiosity killed the cat. ('Curiosity' is my kid brother's nickname for his hammer.)

Have you heard the self-titled Peter Gabriel album? (Makes you feel "in the know" to get that reference, right? You're welcome, smarties.)

Seriously, Luke was a pussy. How awesome would it be to have Darth Vader as your dad? Answer: VERY FUCKING AWESOME! Recap: Luke = pussy.

So, Prince's song '1999' is *really* about 2020. He sings "two thousand two zero" multiple times. That's one forward-thinking motha.

Shit, the x256 s01e01-e05.mkv files rocked fine from a thumb drive. Get the whole series. (talk like a pirate day)

Can't believe the horror of 10/10/321 is now over ten years behind us.

If I was named Cal, really into daisies, and didn't have a daisy, I'd describe myself as lackadaisycal. Also, everyone would wish I was dead.

Video games are dangerous. For instance, Pac-Man teaches kids they can eat all the dots and ghosts they want and not gain weight. NOT TRUE!

My dad sent me an email and wrote "there" instead of "they're." Stupid bastard is dead to me now.

How many towers does it take to turn people into flag-waving zombies in a country of diminishing rights? We may never know. . .

"Did your mom have any kids who lived?" (Not a good joke to use if you meet Casper.)

If life hands you lemons you're hallucinating. Life isn't a person you drug fiend.

What I really love about God is He only demands complete love and unquestioning obedience so as not to spend eternity in torment. Classy.

Hitler had the right idea. Do a painting and try to sell it. Yeah, I guess he got weird in his later life; still, selling paintings is cool.

Seriously, if the Sorting Hat takes your wish into consideration, why the fuck are there people in Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw?! Idiots.

If I could have dinner with anyone dead or alive, I'd pick someone dead since I know how to kill zombies and I could lead the conversation.

If you ever find yourself getting nailed to something, asking yourself "what would Jesus do?" probably won't help. (Just a heads up.)

My phone's ring is set to 'vibrate/high.' I wish I could set my life to that.

The part you never hear in the song is that he shot the Sheriff with insulin, saving his life, and the Deputy was jealous.

Rolling The Stones or Beatlemania?

Considering suicide but still concerned about my weight. How many calories are in 250 Ambien?

I can't believe some guys have trophy wives. Why the hell would you want a 4" little metal bride? Sickos.

Fun Math Trivia: If you took every Nascar fan and stood them head to feet toward the moon, most of them would die. Just a thought.

I don't want to sound racist, but horses all look alike to me. And they have really big teeth.

BREAKING NEWS! CBGBs announces plans to change name to Cribbage, Bingo, Gin-rummy & Bridge and to now be an old persons gaming venue.

If a hip-hop star dies at home, is that considered a crib death?

"I want to show you I like you by mashing my food & noise hole against yours." #KissingIsWeird

Working on a screenplay called "DefCon 5" where everything's okay. I don't like a lot of tension or conflict in movies. It makes me nervous.

Just fell down some steps and hurt my knee. JK! LOL! It was stairs.

So far, my beer garden has only sprouted a couple faceplants.

Sure would hate to have to kill myself today, because tomorrow holds such fucking promise and shit.

Me- "How's Nora? I'd like to hook up with her again." Him- "A psycho killed her kids and raped her to death." Me- "I've got the worst luck."

Me- "What ever became of that cute girl we called Dora The Exploder?" Him- "She exploded." Me- "Pssh. Figures."

Hate to sound critical, but this movie, Back Door Whore 8, obviously takes place in an apartment building and apartments don't have back doors. STUPID!!!

I have OCD. It's kind of like CDO but I don't put the letters in alphabetical order because I don't really have OCD. I have AIDS.

"Fancypants?" Hardly. Sure, the braided lace and gold knees may not be subtle, and the velvet cuffs are a tad much, but fancy? Not really.

"Pardon me, Mr. Flav, but I think you mean AAWA."

The food synthesizer will make vegans moot. Building from raw matter, no animals will be harmed for your bacon-wrapped veal. Go futurism!

If there's a God I just know that prick is gonna fuck me over for no good reason when I die.

Say what you want about global warming and shifting economic trends. No, really. Go ahead.

I'm not pro-life, I'm totally amateur.

You know what they say about a big carbon footprint: big carbon penis.

Who let the dogs out? Hopefully the house-sitter or that's gonna be one stinky mess 'o landmines when I get home.

Think of a number between 1 and 3. Was it 2? (No, I won't give away the secret to the trick, so don't ask.)

Supermodels are kind of like regular models, except they can fly.

I'm in an 11 step group for people who never finish anything.

Bad news. My sister was just diagnosed with full-blown cooties. My second opinion? She's also a stupidhead fartface.

If I planned to shoot people, I'd paint the gun's tip orange just to mess with them. They'd be all "that's a toy." Then BOOM! Surprise! :)

I'm enjoying an active lifestyle with my new hair! I can swim, eat bacon, masturbate, wear slippers, watch Nascar, with a full head of hair!

It would probably be awesome if someone did a performance art piece about their sexuality.

How many alchemists does it take to change a lightbulb (into gold)?

I think Chinese actors are the most professional. Just memorizing lines is hard, but to memorize them in Chinese? That's gotta be a bitch.

Not sure if it's an issue but I didn't pee all day yesterday. Mostly because peeing all day sounds really weird and painful.

"I'd like to spool up her FTL drive." -a virgin

Seriously, THOR movies? You couldn't use Leonard Nimoy's cover of "If I Had A Hammer" even once?

I just finished watching There Will Be Blood 2: Electric Boogaloo. Daniel Day Lewis is a great actor but can't breakdance for shit.

"I And I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." -Jamaican margarine brand

I think my friend Chaim Jewbergstein might be Jewish. Is it rude to ask?

Thought image of Jesus appeared on my taco. Closer inspection revealed it was just Robert Powell AS Jesus. Bummer.

When you're at the grocery store and see someone looking at a small piece of paper in their hand, it's safe to assume it's a Ziggy cartoon.

My son said his step-dad gave him the Bad Touch. Yeah, The Bad Touch doll for courts is expensive. He's a drunk perv and couldn't afford it.

Well, according to "The Law," pointing out people's flaws doesn't count as "Community Service." Yeah, THAT makes sense.

Almost put on my drinking shoes for a job interview I'm going to. That could have been a disaster.

So I shit on the couch. It's ALL my fault. Not vodka's. Whatever. I hope you're happy in your perfect world where you never shit on couches.

"Can't we all just get a long?" -guy that drew the short straw

The James Gang could maybe out-dance the Crips and Bloods, but as gangs go. . .

If you've ever seen your parents have sex, isn't it kinda disturbing if you pause the DVD and zoom in on their orgasm faces? Yuck.

Tuesday Weld is my favorite comic book super villain name from a lady who was never a comic book super villain.

Ever notice how the sound of lightning doesn't match the flash of light? Seems like someone would have fixed that A/V synch problem by now.

"Hmm. Robust. Notes of carrot and celery. Thick finish." -snob drinking V8

I bet the guy who invented spackle shit his pants the first time he saw Edward James Olmos' face.

If imagining myself as a giant standing on Venus and peeing on Mercury just to hear it sizzle is dreaming, then yeah, I'm a dreamer.

Fuck your parents and your team spirit.

Patriotism is the most backwards self-centered ego bullshit ever. Just because *YOU* were born here makes it the best? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?! Nobody. Patriots are vainglorious fucking halfwits. Your parents fucking does not a political cause or a best nation make you stupid egomaniac. It's okay to like where you were born, just don't be a dick about it. How hard is that to understand? Why are you better than some kid born in Afghanistan? Or anywhere else? Sure are a lot of restrictions and citizen-monitoring operations going on here in the "land of the free." Fuck your flag. The world is round and we're all just specks on it.

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About the author

When I was 7, I had the "alien abduction" experience. 

I also experienced a profoundly disorienting sense of time distortion. 

These things continued throughout my life until my mid-thirties. I have not had any "unexplainable" events since then. 

It's been years. Still, it left me pretty fucked up, to this day. I'm all kinds of fucked up, but do not believe in alien abduction. I went through the experience, many times, and am pretty fucking sure it wasn't Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, Sleep Paralysis, or anything else I've heard. Something FUCKED UP is happening to people, and just because it seems like "alien abduction" doesn't mean it is. It also doesn't mean that nothing happened to all these other people and myself. I have NO IDEA what it is, but for all the world, it feels VERY "OTHER." So strange, terrifying, belittling, isolating, and paranoia-inducing that it touches EVERY aspect of your life.

It's a terrible way to grow up.

That's me. Confessing to things that happened to me. That brought me guilt, like a rape victim blaming themself. I am guilty, shameful, wrong because this doesn't happen to "normal" people. Shamed. Guilty. Paranoid. Suicidal. Unable to fit in. All I am is a meat-suit of fear, questions and a defense-mechanism of humor.